Your Space, My Space, Our Space: The Importance of Personal Space in Relationships

Throughout my coaching work with men in relationships, I've noticed a recurring pattern: the belief that being a good partner means always being available. I share Jason's story, where he abandoned his personal needs to be there for his wife only to see it backfire. The truth is healthy relationships thrive on a balance of togetherness and separateness. Research backs this up. 

Find out what you can do to claim your alone time for the benefit of your relationship. Check out the Your Space, My Space, Our Space: The Importance of Personal Space in Relationship, episode.

Links:

Beyond the Episode

Chapters

• 0:06 Welcome and Episode Introduction
• 0:58 Personal Space vs Self-Care
• 2:14 Jason and Lisa's Story
• 6:23 Benefits of Personal Space
• 8:55 Balancing Space in Relationships
• 10:59 Episode Wrap and Next Week Preview

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:06

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast. Your space, my space, our space the importance of personal space in relationships. Episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find, so they can live the life they love the life they love. So on the last episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, I talked about the importance of taking care of yourself in relationship.

Bill Simpson: 0:51

This week's topic of the importance of having your personal space is closely related. They go hand in hand really. Personal space is about setting boundaries and self-care is about restoration. Another way of saying it is that personal space is protecting your right to me time, your alone time, and self-care is more about how you use that time to recharge and restore and reconnect with yourself. Now, with that distinction, this episode is for you.

Bill Simpson: 1:24

If you've ever heard your partner say I feel like you're smothering me, or maybe you've felt smothered, or maybe you've felt guilty for needing time to yourself and was afraid to ask. Well, the truth is that claiming your personal space is not about rejecting the other person. It's absolutely vital in relationship and I'm going to talk about why. Giving and receiving space is one of the healthiest things you can do for your relationship and for me.

Bill Simpson: 1:57

I need my alone time and don't get me wrong, man, I mean I love spending time with my wife and vice versa. But for me, as someone who's more introverted, I need that alone time. It helps to ground me and helps me to be present, and my wife needs her time too. We both have that understanding and we have no problem keeping our boundaries, and I can't say it was always like that. It was a learned behavior for me to set those boundaries and I'm a much happier man and much better in relationship as a result.

Bill Simpson: 2:33

Now, in the work I've done with men, I've noticed there can be a misunderstanding around personal space and I know for a lot of men when they hear the words I need space, they're like oh shit, and they panic. When they hear I need space, to them it sounds like I don't love you anymore, I want to leave, you're not enough, all that. But needing space doesn't necessarily mean that your partner is pulling away A lot of the time. It just means she needs time to do her recharge, her reflection and reconnect with herself so that she can come back to the relationship more present and more available.

Bill Simpson: 3:16

And the same thing goes for you, when you need to do the same, when you need that space. So it goes both ways. It's not just men, it's men and women. Yeah, and it's so important to talk about it. I'm going to get into that shortly, but first I want to share a story where I've changed the names. As usual, I'll call them Jason and Lisa.

Bill Simpson: 3:39

Jason and Lisa had been together for over a decade and Jason was a good man, devoted husband, loving, always available. In fact, he was too available. If Lisa wanted to go for a walk, jason would drop everything he was doing and go with her. If she wanted to binge on a show, he was right there, even if he didn't like the show. And anytime she got a break from the kids again, he was right there and he thought this is what it meant to be a good husband.

Bill Simpson: 4:12

But over time Lisa started to feel suffocated and smothered by Jason and one Saturday, when the kids were over a friend's house and Lisa finally had some downtime. Jason decided to cancel his golf plans so he could hang out with her. Well, in total frustration, she told Jason look, I love you with all my heart, but I don't feel like I have any room to breathe. I need some space, okay.

Bill Simpson: 4:41

Well, Jason was devastated. It cut him real deep, you see, in his mind. He thought he was doing everything right. He didn't know what to do after all this, so he reached out to the pastor in his church for some counseling. He came to find out that he had been afraid to set boundaries or do things just for himself without feeling guilty about it. He said that he was worried that if he did what he wanted, that Lisa would see it as rejection. But he found out the truth the hard way that by not taking his personal space he was draining himself and at the same time unintentionally draining Lisa.

Bill Simpson: 5:23

So with the help of his counseling, he started out taking small steps. Twice a week he'd go to the gym on his own. He made some time to play music with some friends and at first it felt selfish for him. He felt guilty and he was definitely out of his comfort zone. And the thing is, getting out of our comfort zone is how we change and grow and change he did.

Bill Simpson: 5:51

And soon after Lisa started noticing that change, Jason was more relaxed, seemed more confident and he was even more interesting to be around and, with Jason taking his space, had Lisa wanting to be with him. Now Jason says he still struggles from time to time, yet he learned that by claiming his space it actually strengthened their bond, strengthened their relationship.

Bill Simpson: 6:23

So you can see from this story how making room for personal space and protecting that space is so important in relationship, and the research makes it clear that personal space is important for many reasons, and one being that it helps you to maintain your individuality. You know that whole line about you complete me, or you know we are one. It's just not realistic, man. In fact it's BS. The truth is, the healthiest relationships are about two individuals, not two halves trying to fuse together to be one. When you lose your individuality or your identity, you lose you and what makes you unique in who you are.

Bill Simpson: 7:16

Research found that couples who balance closeness with individuality report higher relationship satisfaction over time. Why? Because love grows best when both people feel free to be themselves, and I found that to be true for myself. I've never felt more free in my life being in the marriage with my wife.

Bill Simpson: 7:34

Another reason is that having personal space prevents burnout. You know, without space, partners can feel emotionally crowded, smothered and overwhelmed, like Lisa did. And in psychology they call this enmeshment, and the research says that too much enmeshment leads to stress, resentment and a decline in intimacy.

Bill Simpson: 7:59

And setting boundaries for your personal space actually increases attraction. Yeah, the research says that desire requires both closeness and distance, and when partners maintain healthy boundaries, there's room for curiosity, which keeps desire and passion alive.

Bill Simpson: 8:19

And yet another study shows that partners who respected each other's need for alone time reported higher intimacy and satisfaction, and that highly connected couples need alone time as well to process emotions and to recharge. So personal space isn't selfish or a luxury. It's part of the foundation of what it means to be in a healthy relationship

Bill Simpson: 8:45

.

Bill Simpson: 8:45

All right, so how do you balance your space, my space and our space without drifting apart? Well, in my book, the number one thing is communication. Man, you got to talk about it. Communicate clearly and directly and don't just disappear and explain later. No, say something like I need some me time to recharge so I can show up better for us, something like that. And when you say it that way, it makes it clear that your goal is connection, not that you're trying to create distance. And when you just say I need space, well,

Bill Simpson: 9:31

as I said earlier, that can conjure up all kinds of thoughts and feelings. Right.

Bill Simpson: 9:38

And another way to balance your personal space is to actually schedule your alone time, your me time Whether it's exercise, I don't know, reading, meditation, hanging out with your friends, whatever. Commit to doing something just for you each week, and I suggest putting it in a shared calendar so your partner can see that you've carved out the time. And if she's not carving out time for herself, then encourage her to do it, because healthy space is a mutual thing, and remind

Bill Simpson: 10:13

her that she deserves time for herself too and for you to be okay with it. And after you guys have had your respective personal space, make time to reconnect on purpose. You know they say absence makes the heart

Bill Simpson: 10:27

grow fonder, right? Well, I think that's what Lisa experienced. You know, once she got her space and kind of reconnected with herself, says to be with Jason, yeah. So after taking your me time, come back together intentionally. You might want to share what

Bill Simpson: 10:45

you did or not. You can just enjoy being together without distraction and having your hour time. Your Okay Space all My right Space in

Bill Simpson: 10:57

So here's the takeaway from this episode. Personal space is not the enemy in relationship. It's the oxygen that helps it breathe. When you take care of yourself and when you give your partner the freedom to do the same, you create a relationship that is rooted in trust, respect and genuine desire, not being in fear or being needy. Being in fear or being needy, and you maintain your identity, your individuality, your integrity and your commitment to the long term of your relationship. Now, if you're struggling with this balance of trying to get your personal space and you want some support, ! I'd love to connect with you. Just visit me at menonthepathtolovecom and learn more about how you can work with me.

Bill Simpson: 11:50

Okay, this week's quote comes from Khalil Gibran, who wrote the book the Prophet. He has a very poetic way of saying it. He says, quote yeah, man, even in the closest relationships, it's healthy to give each other room to breathe. All right, all right. And that's going to do it for another episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast your space, my space, our space, the importance of personal space and relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host, as always. I thank you so much for listening. Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, have you ever been told you have an anger issue? Or maybe you simply get triggered easily in your relationship. You want some help around that, or maybe you know someone who does. Then please join me next time for the Calming the Storm how to Control your Anger in Relationship episode. And hey, if this or any episode has resonated with you, then please share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.