Men on the Path to Love
Relationship coach Bill Simpson offers stories and wisdom, to inspire men be the best version of themselves in relationship and live the life they love.
Men on the Path to Love
Calming the Storm: How to Control Your Anger in Relationship
Have you ever found yourself angry and losing your temper with your partner, only to regret it a few minutes later? Or maybe you're the type who stuffs your anger until you can't take it anymore? You're not alone, and there's a better way.
Anger is not the problem. It's how we respond to makes the difference. Anger is a powerful signal that tells us that something really matters to us—but how we handle that signal can make or break our relationship.
In this episode, I share Howard's story and what he did about his anger issue. I also share practical, evidence-based techniques to help you transform how you handle anger. Check out the Calming the Storm: How to Control Your Anger in Relationship.
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Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love. Podcast Calming the Storm how to Control your Anger in Relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.
Bill Simpson:Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions in relationships and with a lot of men they either explode in ways they regret or they shut it down until it comes out sideways later. But here's the truth Anger isn't the problem. No, it's what we do with it that can make or break our connection with our partner, and for me, I would shut down anger until eventually it would get the best of me and I would blow up. I remember my dad doing the same thing. My relationship with anger was that it felt like an ugly emotion and I would feel like a monster when I let it out. And part of that goes back to when I was around five or six years old. I remember my mother had been on the phone for a very long time At least to me it seemed like it was a long time because I wanted her attention for something, I don't remember why. Anyway, I ended up yelling at her God damn it, get off the phone. I ended up yelling at her God damn it, get off the phone. Well, you can imagine how well that went over, right? Well, she chased me all the way up to the attic and literally washed my mouth out with soap. So I learned my anger for my mom to do something like that to me, right. So I spent a lot of my life suppressing my anger, and it wasn't until years later, as an adult, when I went to therapy, that I got in touch with it and, as I said earlier, what to do with it, what to do with that anger? And that's what I'm going to talk about in this episode.
Bill Simpson:I'm going to start with why we get angry in the first place. Well, the research shows that anger is a secondary emotion, meaning that it often covers up more vulnerable feelings. You know, the soft side of anger is usually sadness or hurt or fear, shame or disappointment. And in relationships, anger often comes out when we feel misunderstood or feel dismissed, disrespected, when our needs aren't being met or our boundaries aren't being respected and when we're experiencing like stress, overload and have no emotional filter left. So the anger comes out in a way you may not have wanted it to filter left. So the anger comes out in a way you may not have wanted it to.
Bill Simpson:Well, from a brain science perspective, anger is a threat response. The amygdala part of our brain sounds the alarm that we're being threatened and then the body gets flooded with adrenaline and cortisol, our heart rate speeds up, our muscles get tense and at that point we are wired to react, not to respond or reflect. That's why, in the heat of the moment, our logical brain, the prefrontal cortex, goes out the window, making it hard to communicate in a healthy or constructive way.
Bill Simpson:I think about one of my health clinic patients, howard, not his real name. When he first came to me he was wound, tight man. I mean I could just look at him and see he was full of anger and he knew it. That's why his therapist referred him to me. She thought he could use some mindfulness strategies to help him with his anger. So we got to work and when I asked him what made him so angry, he said there were a lot of things, but mostly his partner Beth Not her real name, of course. He said that he loved her but that she drove him crazy sometimes. And when I asked him to give me some examples, he shared that he hated it when she nagged him about stuff that he could never do anything right and very rarely, if at all, give him any kind of recognition for what he did right versus all the stuff he did wrong. And oftentimes he felt disrespected and I hear this a lot from men.
Bill Simpson:So I supported him in that if my wife treated me that way, I'd be pretty angry too. And when I dug a little deeper, he admitted that he could be a real asshole sometimes and that it wasn't all her fault. He said that he was working on it in therapy. He just wanted help in how to deal with his temper and I was relieved because he was already tackling the roots of his anger with this therapist.
Bill Simpson:So we focused on how to respond to his anger instead of reacting from it. I explained to him that it's okay to be angry. Anger is just a feeling, an intense feeling, I admitted. Yet it's still just a feeling. We worked on the mindfulness technique of acceptance and commitment, in other words, accepting that he's angry and committing to responding consciously from his higher self how his higher self wants to respond, and he liked that idea but said that it sounded really hard. I told him that most likely it would be hard at first, but after some practice that it would get better.
Bill Simpson:We worked on mindful communication strategies to help him communicate his feelings and his needs instead of acting out with his anger. We also worked on self-compassion, you know, having compassion for the soft side of his anger, and that was the hurt he felt when he didn't get the recognition he wanted.
Bill Simpson:In a relatively short period of time Howard made great progress and last I heard he and Beth are doing a lot better. It's not perfect but it's definitely better and that's mostly because Howard got the help he needed with therapy and coaching. Getting the support and having the willingness to grow and change made all the difference. You see, when there's uncontrolled anger in relationship, trust and emotional safety start to fade away and the research is clear that trust and emotional safety are two essential ingredients for a long-lasting relationship. And even if you, you know, cool down later, the memories of those hurtful words or aggressive tones can linger for years, man, especially when there's no remorse or desire to change.
Bill Simpson:Now, on the other side, research also shows that couples who manage conflict with respect, even during anger, have stronger long-term satisfaction than those who resort to losing their temper, blaming or stonewalling or whatever.
Bill Simpson:So what can you do to calm the storm and control anger in your relationship? No-transcript Neuroscience research shows that simply identifying your emotional state you know like I'm feeling angry and I feel hurt that calms the amygdala and the rational brain starts to kick in. It turns raw emotion into something you can work with instead of something that works against you. Now I realize I said simply identify. Well, it may not be so simple at first, but again, with practice you'll get better.
Bill Simpson:Another thing is to take time to pause before you react, and that can be a challenge too, but the research says that there's a 90-second rule, that the physiological surge of an emotion lasts about 90 seconds. So when you catch yourself getting angry, pause for that minute and a half and take some deep breaths, get yourself grounded, and that will help delay your reaction and you'll be able to respond versus react.
Bill Simpson:There's an acronym that you can use. It's the STOP technique, the S-T-O-P? S for stop what you're doing, t take a breath? O observe your feelings, what's going on in your body and your thoughts. Observe your feelings, what's going on in your body and your thoughts, and then P proceed with intention, with that response, not impulse. Okay, s-t-o-p. Stop what you're doing, take a breath, observe your feelings, body and thoughts and proceed with intention, with intention.
Bill Simpson:Another thing is to communicate mindfully. I talk about mindful communications Instead of leading with anger and saying something like you never listen to me, you always blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Come from the soft side that's underneath that, the soft side of anger, you know. You could say I feel hurt, like I don't matter when this happens, or something like that, because when you make yourself vulnerable, you have a better chance of landing with your partner and it helps to avoid defensiveness from your partner. All right.
Bill Simpson:Another idea is to create a safe word or a signal when anger gets flared up, when you and your partner are in a good place. Talk about a signal that you mutually agree on that you can use when tempers start to flare or when anger starts to come up, saying something like time out, or making a T sign with your hands. Something like that can help to interrupt the anger when it starts to escalate before it causes lasting damage. They say you know, sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me. Nah, man, they can hurt, and they can hurt for a long time. So creating that safe word or that signal can help you out with that.
Bill Simpson:And, like with Howard, what he did with his therapist was address the root of his anger. You know, not just that you get angry, but what's the root of it, what's the cause of it. Start to notice. If you find the same things keep triggering your anger. Work to undercover the deeper unmet needs. Or maybe there's unresolved wounds that could be behind them. And this is where coaching and therapy or just personal reflection can create the long-term change.
Bill Simpson:And it's also important to note that if anger in your relationship feels constant, you know too intense, or it feels out of proportion, that's a sign that deeper emotional patterns are underneath the surface. You know like maybe old childhood or relationship wounds or chronic stress and, again, unmet needs. That's a big one.
Bill Simpson:And please know that seeking help isn't weakness, man, it's strength and courage. And studies show that couples who get help before their relationship is in crisis are more likely to repair and strengthen their bond for the long term of their relationship.
Bill Simpson:All right, so to sum all this up, anger is a signal, not a verdict. Okay, it's telling you that something matters to you deeply, but if you let it control your words and your actions, it can destroy the very connection you're trying to protect. All right, so the next time you feel that storm brewing, you know that anger coming up remember you have the power to pause, choose and communicate in a way that brings you closer instead of pushing you apart. You can calm the storm.
Bill Simpson:If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to break free from destructive anger patterns, let's talk, because I help men become the kind of partner they want to be Confident, calm and connected man in love and in life. You can find out more by visiting my website, menonthepathtolovecom.
Bill Simpson:All right, I have a quote for you this week and it's from a Chinese proverb and it says "f you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape Some words of wisdom right there. And that will do it for another episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Calming the Storm how to how to control your anger in relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you so much for listening.
Bill Simpson:Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. You know I've heard a lot of my patients talk about their summer vacations and family reunions and all the drama that that can entail. Well, what if you have issues with your spouse or partner's family and family reunions and all the drama that that can entail? Well, what if you have issues with your spouse or partner's family and you want to avoid that? It can be a hot mess to navigate, right? Well, if you or someone you know is having issues with their partner's family dynamics, then please join me for the Keeping the peace, handling tension with your partner's family episode.
Bill Simpson:And if you like what you're hearing on this podcast, then by all means share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.