Keeping the Peace: Handling Tension with Your Partner’s Family

Family tensions can negatively impact even the strongest relationships. When your partner's family disapproves, judges, or disrespects you, the strain affects not just your interactions with them, but the foundation of your relationship itself.

I this episode I share the story of Jerry and Ann, a couple whose relationship was threatened when his conservative, religious family discovered that she put herself through law school as a stripper. You'll hear the their transformational story and how you can navigate tension in your, or your partner's family.

The most powerful lesson? Keeping peace doesn't mean avoiding conflict; it means handling it in ways that prioritize your relationship above all. Check out the Keeping the Peace: Handling Tension with Your Partner’s Family, episode.

Link:

Beyond the Episode

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Family Tension
• 1:34 Jerry and Ann's Challenging Story
• 4:54 Breaking Point and Wake-up Call
• 6:22 Effective Strategies for Family Tension
• 10:25 Results and Lessons Learned
• 12:46 Closing Thoughts and Next Episode

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:10

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast. Keeping the peace handling tension with your partner's family episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves, for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love. So they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson: 0:46

In this episode, I'll be covering one of the trickiest dynamics you can face in a relationship, and that is tension with your partner or spouse's family. Yeah, man, I mean, if you've ever felt caught in the middle, you know trying to protect your partner or your spouse and also keeping things cordial with your own family. Well, you know it's a balancing act that can take a toll on both love and in keeping the peace right.

Bill Simpson: 1:15

Well, I'm going to share a real-life, inspired story that one of my mentors shared with me when I asked her about dealing with my own situation where my father rejected my second wife along with her kids and any kids we would have together, and it was simply because of the color of her skin. Well, my mentor told me about this engaged couple named Jerry and Ann well, not their real names and how they navigated some intense challenges with Jerry's family. I'm also going to share the strategies that helped them keep their relationship strong while keeping the peace, and these same strategies I was able to apply to my own situation.

Bill Simpson: 2:01

So Jerry and Ann were just over a year out of law school. They were building promising careers and planning a future together . but from the moment Jerry's conservative, religious family learned that Ann had put herself through college by working as a stripper, the tension began. There was a lot of judgment and it came in different ways Some was over the top and some was subtle, but all of it took a toll on the two of them and their relationship. So Jerry's family included his mother, father, two brothers and a sister, with the sister being the only consistent source of support.

Bill Simpson: 2:45

I'll give you a few examples of how it was. The first big blow happened at a Thanksgiving dinner. One of Jerry's brothers made a crude comment, something about law school being a real grind or was that just the club you worked at? Well, his other brother laughed out loud, making it clear that the comment was on purpose, not just a slip and Jerry's father let it slide without comment. Well, ann tried to laugh it off, but inside she felt humiliated and Jerry felt torn. You know he wanted to defend Ann, but he also didn't want to start a big family argument at the Thanksgiving table, and this was one of the few times the whole family would get together. Well, Jerry jerry and Anne left that night not speaking to each other, feeling the hurt from the effects of what had happened. And Anne started to wonder if Jerry would truly have her back. It was a trust issue for her and for Jerry. It was the first time he realized just how much his family's behavior could actually sabotage his relationship, and they both kind of just swept it under the rug and didn't talk about it.

Bill Simpson: 4:12

Well, the next incident came at Jerry's parents' 40th wedding anniversary party. Ann offered to help set up and she even brought an expensive bottle of champagne. But throughout the evening Jerry's mother barely acknowledged Ann, avoiding eye contact and sticking to polite one-word responses. And later Ann overheard his mother telling a friend it's just not the kind of woman I pictured for my son and, as you can imagine, that cut Ann deeply. I mean, she felt rejected, right, and she had shared what had happened with Jerry, and he got really upset and confronted his mother privately, which led to this huge argument that left him feeling like he had to choose sides, which he hated to be in that situation, and subsequently, any time the topic would come up with Ann, it would always lead to an argument.

Bill Simpson: 5:09

The breaking point came where the most damaging incident occurred, and that was at Jerry's nephew's birthday party. While Jerry was outside talking with his dad, his brothers cornered Ann in the kitchen and they made sexual jokes about lap dances, for legal advice, and one even tried to touch her lower back suggestively. Well, once again, anne was humiliated, and rightly so, so much so that she left the party in tears, and when Jerry found out, he was pissed, pissed and he demanded an apology from his brothers, which they refused to give. When they got home, ann broke it down and told Jerry she wasn't sure she could marry into a family that treated her that way. And that night they had their biggest fight yet, and it was not about the love for each other, but about whether love was enough to overcome the judgment and disdain Jerry's family had for her. Well, it turned out that it was the wake-up call they both needed and within a week they booked sessions with my mentor and she explained the process to me. She said that she helped them reframe the problem.

Bill Simpson: 6:30

You know that the conflict wasn't between Jerry and Ann. It was between them as a couple and the situation with Jerry's family, and there's a difference there. That shift was critical so that they weren't taking it out on each other. So here are the key strategies they learned from my mentor and these are strategies that I learned as well, and if you're experiencing tension with your spouse or partner's family, you can apply these to your situation too.

Bill Simpson: 7:03

All right, so the first thing was to present themselves as a united front. You know always present yourself as a team. So with that, jerry was able to commit addressing disrespect in the moment, even if it meant having an uncomfortable conversation or confrontation. And Ann agreed to talk with Jerry privately if something bothered her, so that they could decide together how to handle it.

Bill Simpson: 7:32

And next, and probably the biggest thing of all, is setting clear boundaries. Yeah, they decided on their bottom lines. You know their non-negotiables. Like you know, the lewd comments would be called out immediately, or any touching without consent was unacceptable. And if those boundaries were crossed or if things started to get heated, they would leave the event immediately. Another strategy was to limit the exposure with their family. They prioritized quality over quantity in their family interactions. They would choose what felt right for them, you know, like only attending smaller gatherings or where there were neutral public settings, instead of these large, chaotic events where problems were more likely to happen.

Bill Simpson: 8:27

Another part of their strategy was to find allies and in this case Jerry's sister, who had been supportive from the beginning, became a valuable ally. She would help redirect conversations and she also offered Ann a safe person to stay close to during these family functions.

Bill Simpson: 8:50

And the last one I'll mention is kind of creating this protective relationship bubble, and what I mean by that was to protect themselves, to make sure the family tension didn't creep into their relationship or their intimacy. And what they would do is, after each family interaction or function, they would talk about it and have a debrief, you know, and it wasn't to rehash their anger and, you know, go back and forth with that. It was to reaffirm their commitment to each other and what the next steps would be if necessary. And this was really helpful, because in the past they would just shut down and not say anything, and this way they were able to deal with it right away and have those next steps if necessary. So Jerry and Ann took in all the strategies my mentor had to offer and eventually they did get married.

Bill Simpson: 9:49

And the family dynamics never became perfect. The mother stayed polite, but she was reserved. The brothers, you know, they were more cordial but still kind of distant. And the father, he was the one that was actually a little more tolerant. But all that outright meanness and hostility stopped. And that had a lot to do with Jerry and Ann setting those boundaries that I mentioned and because of Jerry's strong support of Ann, which sent a clear message to his family.

Bill Simpson: 10:24

And their big lesson here was that keeping the peace didn't mean avoiding conflict, and that's what happened so many times is that we don't want to have that conflict. So we stuff it and shove it and it becomes even worse and it starts to eat away at the relationship. And in this case it didn't mean avoiding that conflict, it meant handling it in a way that protected their relationship first. That was the priority, all right. So if you're facing tension with your partner's family, remember one of the main things is to stand together, be a united front, be a team and then creating, maintaining and enforcing boundaries this is so important and by all means, protect your relationship. My wife and I call our relationship, our marriage, our precious jewel that we must protect and keep shining at all times. And look, the truth is you can't control others and how they act all right. But you can control how you respond as a couple. You know, as a team can control how you respond as a couple. You know, as a team and sometimes keeping the peace starts with making peace inside your own relationship first. Yeah, if you're tight, you know you got that peace within the two of you. Then you can take that peace elsewhere and maintain that peace. Think about that Now.

Bill Simpson: 11:54

This week's quote comes from New York Times bestselling author, Alex Elle, and it goes this " this you don't have to leave your family behind to protect your peace, but you do have to leave behind the patterns that you keep from living it. Unquote. Yep, that is so true, alex. And listen, if you're struggling with your spouse or partner's family dynamics, you're not alone, man, and you don't have to face it alone. I'm here to help you. It's what I do. Just go to my website, menonthepathtolovecom. I'm always open to any comments or questions. You can even schedule a free one-hour coaching session with me. All right, you can easily reach me at menonthepathtolove. com.

Bill Simpson: 12:45

And that will do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the keeping the peace handling tension with your Partner's Family episode. My name is Bill Simpson. Thank you for listening.

Bill Simpson: 13:00

Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. In thinking about this week's episode and how Jerry was able to see beyond Anne's past as a stripper and create a loving, long-lasting relationship, it got me to thinking about the whole idea of how to handle your spouse or partner's past, and it's a topic that comes up more than you might think. Please join me for the Past, present and Peace how Acceptance of your Partner's Past Strengthens your Relationship episode.

Bill Simpson: 13:33

Hey, and if you're getting something out of listening to this podcast, then do me and the rest of the world a favor and pay it forward. All right, share the link to this podcast and share the love, and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.