Stop Pretending to Be ‘Fine’ - Start Being Real in Relationship

Ever caught yourself saying "I'm fine" when you're anything but? This habit might be sabotaging your relationship and your health more than you realize.  From childhood, men learn that strength means silence. We're taught to "toughen up" and "shake it off," creating a pattern where emotional suppression becomes our default setting. 

Through my own journey and my work coaching men in relationships, I've witnessed the profound transformation that happens when we break the "I'm fine" habit. I share Johnny's story and how he broke the habit to transform his relationship.

 By learning to identify our feelings, practicing vulnerability, and challenging outdated notions of masculinity, we can create deeper connections with our partners and reclaim our authentic selves. 

Ready to stop pretending and start living? This episode might be your first step toward the connection you've been missing. Check out the Stop Pretending to Be ‘Fine’ - Start Being Real in Relationship episode.

Beyond the Episode

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome and Personal Story
• 2:57 The Cost of Emotional Suppression
• 4:20 Johnny and June's Story
• 7:12 The Risks of Pretending
• 8:19 Steps to Start Being Real
• 11:48 Closing Thoughts and Next Episode

Transcript

BillSimpson: 0:02

Hi, and welcome to the men on the path to Love, S top Pretending to be Fine Start Being Real in

BillSimpson: 0:12

Relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationship. Men who want deeper love, real connections, and to finally feel like themselves again. I help to become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

BillSimpson: 0:39

For much of my life, I have to say, I wore a mask. You know, on the outside I seemed easygoing, upbeat, even strong. But inside, I was feeling a lot of stress, anxiety, and self-doubt. And my default answer, whether someone asked me at work or at home or in my marriage, was always I'm fine. The truth is I wasn't fine. And pretending to be fine didn't make me stronger. It made me feel more disconnected with myself and with others. I mean, I could do it sometimes, like if a loved one died or something like that, but most of the time I kept it in. And it certainly had a negative impact on my relationships.

BillSimpson: 1:30

And it wasn't until I got help that I realized I was hurting myself and those I loved by not being real. I wasn't being honest with myself and others. And frankly, I thought that being a man meant holding back my emotions, that it was being strong. Well, what I learned was I wasn't alone. Men have been conditioned to equate strength with silence, you know, keeping it all in, shutting down. And from an early age, many of us were told, you know, don't cry, or I'll give you something to cry about, you know, toughen up, shake it off, all that. And those lessons turn into habits.

BillSimpson: 2:17

And those habits turn into walls we build around ourselves to protect us. You know, saying I'm fine when you're not becomes automatic. But here's the risk. You betray yourself. You're not even being honest with yourself. You distance yourself from your spouse or partner. They sense something is off, but they can't reach you. And then the pressure builds. It's like a shaken bottle of beer, you know, eventually that pressure explodes, or worse, implodes, right?

BillSimpson: 2:51

Well, research from the American Psychological Association shows that men who suppress their emotions are at a high risk for anxiety, depression, substance use, and even physical health problems like high blood pressure. And relationship research, like from John Gottman, shows that emotional disengagement is one of the strongest predictors of divorce. Pretending to be fine isn't strength. It's a slow self-destruction.

BillSimpson: 3:22

And for me, I know this all too well, going back to what I was saying, you know, I spent years masking what was going on inside. Again, not being honest with myself, much less my partner. I didn't have the tools to name my feelings, let alone share them. It wasn't until I began doing the work, you know, slowing down, going inside, reflecting, allowing myself to feel and identifying what I was actually feeling and experiencing that things began to shift. And I'll be honest with you, it wasn't easy, and it's still a work in progress. But as I've learned to name and share what's happening inside, I've seen a transformation. My relationships are more open, my wife feels closer to me, and I feel lighter, more real, and more myself than ever.

BillSimpson: 4:20

Let me tell you a story about a couple I'll call Johnny and June. Not their real names. On the surface, Johnny was this happy-go-lucky guy. He owned a sneaker store. He was great with his customers, he was loved by his friends, always upbeat at family gatherings. Everyone thought he was fine. But June saw something different. At home, she'd catch him off guard, sitting alone, his face all tense. What people jokingly call a resting bitch face, right? Well, he looked distressed, but the second June asked if he was okay, Johnny would put up a smile and say, Oh, oh, I'm fine, I'm fine. And when she pointed out that he looked stressed, his reply was always, Oh, I am just tired.

BillSimpson: 5:10

Well, the truth was, June felt empty in their relationship. She wanted depth, not just surface happiness. She started feeling so disconnected that at one point she even considered leaving. Then came the turning point. One morning everything seemed normal. They had breakfast with the kids, they laughed, talked, went about their day. Johnny went outside to do some yard work, and from the kitchen window, June saw him stop, bend over, and then collapse onto the ground in the fetal position. She rushed out with the kids to help him. Johnny was shaking, gasping for air, unable to speak. He thought he was having a heart attack. They rushed him to the ER, but the doctor said his vitals were fine. No heart attack. What Johnny had experienced was a full-blown panic attack, the body's way of screaming at what his heart and mind had been trying to stuff and hide.

BillSimpson: 6:16

Well, that was Johnny's wake-up call. He knew he couldn't keep stuffing his feelings, pretending everything was fine. And with the help of therapy and coaching, he began to explore his emotions, to express them, and to be vulnerable. And the transformation was amazing, really. June noticed right away, and for the first time in years, she felt that she could breathe again in the relationship. And Johnny didn't just look fine, he was authentically fine, because he was finally real. And he came to terms that it was okay not to be fine at times, and that he had the tools to identify and express his feelings and his needs in a real, authentic way for himself and for his relationship.

BillSimpson: 7:12

So hopefully you can see from Johnny's story that there are risks to saying you're fine when you're not. What are those risks, you may ask? Well, health risks for one, like with Johnny, you know, with all the stress and anxiety, having panic attacks, even physical illness from your immune system breaking down. That's what it can do to you. And then there's the risk to your relationship, like with June. You know, your partner feels the distance, making it difficult to trust you, creating a disconnect in your relationship. And then of course, there's the risk to yourself. You know, you lose yourself, you lose your identity, your authenticity, and your joy. And all this can lead to depression, right?

BillSimpson: 8:05

So if you're saying you're fine when you're not, or maybe you know someone who does this, what do you do about it? What's the alternative? How do you stop pretending and start being real? Well, the first thing is to be honest with yourself. And I realize that can be challenging in itself. Yet once you break that barrier, it can be a game changer. And once you are honest with yourself, take time each day to ask yourself, what am I feeling right now? And I know that sounds all whatever, you know, psychobabble stuff, but I'm telling you, it it really makes a difference. And use simple language like, you know, I'm feeling angry or sad or anxious, maybe I'm feeling happy, joyful, maybe I'm feeling tired, uh hopeful.

BillSimpson: 8:58

And if you're not sure what you're feeling, go online and Google feelings chart. These charts have emojis that reflect a feeling, and as corny as it may seem, it can be really helpful in identifying what's going on, you know, what you're feeling. I used to use one until I got really good at it and didn't need it any longer. So if you need that tool to figure out what am I feeling, Google feelings chart. All right. So once you're able to practice that sense of vulnerability with yourself, the next step is to practice vulnerability with your partner. And I suggest starting small, you know, share something real, even if it feels uncomfortable. You can say something like, I'm stressed about work, or I feel overwhelmed with money, or something like that. And don't wait for her to notice. Let her in on what's going on with you so she doesn't have to wonder. You know, she already knows something's going on. So you might as well let her in as soon as possible. That will save a lot of stress and disconnect in the relationship. And with your vulnerability, it's an opportunity to challenge the old story of masculinity. I'm telling you, let it go, man. Real strength is not pretending that you're fine. Real strength is being present. And I'll say this over and over vulnerability is not weakness, it's strength, it's courage.

BillSimpson: 10:39

And if you're struggling with this, by all means get support. Therapy, coaching, men's groups, whatever gives you the tools to open up, man. You know, Johnny's story is proof that you don't have to do this alone.

BillSimpson: 10:57

So my quote this week comes from Robert Glover, the author of No More Mr. Nice Guy, who I've referenced before. He says, " quote, what makes a man strong is not his ability to pretend he has it all together, but his ability to show up honestly as he is."

BillSimpson: 11:18

Yeah, and listen, your partner doesn't need you to be perfect. She needs you to be real. And you deserve to live as your authentic self, not as a man hiding behind I'm fine. No, when you're pretending, when you stop pretending, you not only heal yourself, you breathe new life into your relationships. That's where love begins. Alright?

BillSimpson: 11:48

And that's gonna do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast. The stop pretending to be fine and start being real in relationship episode. And if this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend who might need to hear it. Share the link to this podcast and share the love.

BillSimpson: 12:09

Now, coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, my wife shared with me the other day her appreciation for how patient and supportive I've been through the health challenges she's experiencing now and over the years we've been together. And I didn't give it much thought, really. You know, I I love her and uh and I want to be there for her. And frankly, it's not without its challenges. And I am I'm not alone with this, I've seen it with my clients in my coaching practice too. So join me for In Sickness and in Health, supporting your partner's health challenges episode. And if you have any suggestions for a topic for the show, I would love to hear from you. You can reach me through my show notes or at my website, men on the pathtolove.com. Alright, so until next time, remember keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.