In Sickness and In Health: Supporting Your Partner’s Health Challenges

If you're in a long term relationship, chances are you or your partner are going to face some sort of health challenge or experience bodily changes. In this episode, I explore how to support your partner through those health challenges and changes without losing your connection—or yourself. I share my experience of supporting my wife's health challenges and a powerful story of a couple navigating breast cancer. 

Along the way, I break down the practical skills that turn vows into daily practice: being present over fixing, having honest conversations about fear, and how to prevent resentment. I back it up with what research and what it has to say about the healing aspects in supporting your partner's challenges.

Check out the In Sickness and In Health: Supporting Your Partner’s Health Challenges, episode.

Link:

Beyond the Episode (YouTube)

Chapters

• 0:14 Framing the Topic and Personal Story
• 2:28 In Sickness and Health as Practice
• 2:58 Jim and Pam: Facing Cancer Together
• 6:05 Why Coping Together Matters
• 6:56 Emotional Toll and Caregiver Burden
• 8:05 Presence Over Fixing: Core Skills
• 9:14 Shifting Roles and Resentment Risks
• 11:04 Intimacy, Closeness, and Communication
• 12:13 Self-Care for the Supportive Partner
• 14:00 Silver Linings and Bond Deepening
• 15:20 Daily Practices: Gratitude and Rituals
• 16:38 Key Reminders and Invitation to Show Up
• 16:41 Coaching Offer and Contact
• 16:48 Closing Quote and Next Episode Tease
• 17:22 Share the Love and Sign-Off

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:14

And welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the In Sickness and Health, Supporting Your Partners Health Challenges episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection, and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson: 0:47

So when I think about this topic, I can't help but think about my own marriage. When my wife and I first met almost 17 years ago, she was recovering from Lyme disease. And honestly, she carried herself with such grace that you wouldn't have known how much she was suffering. And over the years, she's had flare-ups of Lyme, gone through a few surgeries, including a pretty scary emergency surgery. She's navigated menopause and dealt with other health challenges along the way. She recently shared her gratitude with me for how supportive I've been. And here's the thing, man, I I never thought much about it. For me, it wasn't about being, you know, the supportive husband or checking boxes. I I just love her, you know, and being by her side through whatever she's going through just feels natural. And that's what we do when we love someone. We show up, right? But I also know that supporting a partner through health challenges isn't always easy. It can bring up stress, fear, frustration, even resentment if we're not mindful. So today I want to talk about how to show up in ways that strengthen your relationship, deepen your bond, and help you both thrive even in the midst of health challenges. Now, like I said, it hasn't always been easy. My wife's physical limitations have at times been a source of disappointment for both of us, whether it was making love, going for a hike, or just keeping up with the chores around the house. Her health challenges sometimes got in the way. And I'd be lying if I said I never felt frustrated or disappointed, but every time those feelings came up, I reminded myself of the bigger picture, my commitment to her and our relationship. In sickness and in health aren't just words, it's a practice. And choosing that perspective has kept me grounded through the challenging times. I also think of a couple I'll call Jim and Pam. Okay. When they first got together, Pam was vibrant, active, and full of energy. But one day she felt something in her breast that concerned her. And with a family history of breast cancer, she decided to get a mammogram. And the results confirmed her fears. She had breast cancer. And as you can imagine, the news was devastating for both of them. Suddenly their lives were filled with doctor's appointments, treatment schedules, and decisions about surgery. And when the time came to decide on a mastectomy, Jim was terrified. Inside, he was freaking out. You know, he was worried about Pam's health, the strain of having extra responsibility with the kids. And inside he was wondering whether he'd still be physically attracted to her after surgery. And sometimes Jim's fears came out sideways. For example, during one stressful week of chemotherapy, they were watching a movie with a steamy sex scene in it, and Jim blurted out, Well, I guess we won't be doing that anymore. And that really hurt Pam's feelings. And in the same week, he snapped at her for forgetting to pay a bill. But his frustration wasn't really about the bill or even the sex. It was his fear coming out sideways. And what Jim didn't know at first was that Pam was wrestling with her own fears. And with his comments, she wondered, you know, will he still find me attractive? Will he still want to be married to me after this? Well, fortunately, they agreed to join a breast cancer support group at the hospital. And there they heard other couples talking about the very same concerns. They both realized that they weren't alone in their fears, and this gave them the courage to talk about it privately. And to their surprise, when they finally opened up, it took so much of the fear away. You know, talking about their fears brought them closer.

Bill Simpson: 5:11

And after the mastectomy, it wasn't as bad as either one of them expected. Jim reassured Pam that he was still attracted to her, now more than ever, and that his love and commitment weren't going anywhere. And after hearing and feeling this, Pam felt much more free, knowing she didn't have to hide her insecurities.

Bill Simpson: 5:37

So here's what I'd like for you to take away from this story. Health challenges don't just test the body, they test the relationship, right? And yet when couples are willing to face their fears honestly, you know, get support and talk about it openly, they often come out stronger. Jim and Pam discovered that what they feared might tear them apart, actually deepen their bond and connection.

Bill Simpson: 6:05

So it's important to understand that health challenges affect nearly every couple at some point. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, six out of ten adults live with at least one chronic health condition. That means if you're in a long-term relationship, chances are either you or your partner will face some significant health challenge. And research in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior shows that how couples cope with illness together can predict not just relationship satisfaction, but also health outcomes. In other words, the way you respond to your partner's challenges can literally affect their recovery and well-being. So this isn't just about being nice, it's about building resilience in your relationship. So I'm gonna take a look at some of the challenges of having a partner with health issues.

Bill Simpson: 7:02

And one big one is the emotional toll it can have. You know, when your partner is sick or struggling, it's not only their body that's affected, it can impact their emotions as as well as yours, you know, the fear, uncertainty, and burnout, exhaustion. A study in the Journal of Psychosomatic Research found that partners of people with chronic illness often experience what's called caregiver burden, you know, stress, anxiety, even depression. And yet those who reframe the experience as an act of love rather than a duty or an obligation tend to cope better and report stronger relationships.

Bill Simpson: 7:45

When my wife went into emergency surgery, I remember feeling really scared. But in that moment, my role was to be clear, you know, to be present, to ground myself so I could help ground her. Being present, not perfect, was what mattered most. And what that looks like is you know listening without trying to fix. Right? You know, when your partner shares their struggles, resist the urge to jump right in and to solve the problem. Sometimes what they need most is your empathy and to listen. You also want to validate their experience, you know, saying something like, I can see this is really hard for you. You know, that communicates your compassion and gives her a sense of safety.

Bill Simpson: 8:37

And do your best to stay calm under pressure. And I know under these stressful situations it can be really hard to do that. But it's understanding that your nervous system influences your partner's nervous system. Okay? So you want to try to stay calm. Uh, you know, take some deep breaths and get yourself centered so you can help her feel more grounded. Think of it like being her anchor in stormy waters, right? That you want to be there for her to get through what she's going through, which is a lot of stress.

Bill Simpson: 9:14

Now, another challenge is when there are shifts in roles and responsibilities in the relationship. Illness often changes the day-to-day, you know, the routines. Suddenly, one partner may have to take on more household duties or parent responsibilities or even the financial stressors. And with the research, the family systems theory highlights how shifts in one partner's ability to function inevitably can ripple through the whole family system. So if roles aren't talked about openly, that resentment can slowly creep in. You know, and I think about during my wife's recovery periods, there were times when I picked up more of the household load. Did I always love doing extra chores or the shopping? No. But I saw it as a way to support her healing and us as a team. And when we talked about it, it felt like teamwork instead of that imbalance and stress.

Bill Simpson: 10:16

So again, communication is the key. You gotta talk about it, man. Talk about your roles, you know, and ask. Don't assume. You know, and instead of guessing what your partner needs, just ask her what would be most helpful right now. It's that simple. And don't be a martyr. Yeah, man. Get help from your friends, family, or even hire some services if needed. And after a while, you'll want to revisit your plan. You know, what works in one stage of illness may not work during another. And another thing to understand is that partnership isn't about keeping score. And that happens a lot. You know, well, I did this for you, and no, it's about working toward your shared well-being. Right?

Bill Simpson: 11:09

Another big challenge that couples face when there are health issues, and that's with intimacy and connection. Health challenges can affect physical intimacy, whether because of pain, fatigue, or maybe medication side effects. And they can also create emotional distance if one partner withdraws. And I've seen it happen. And studies from the Journal of Sexual Medicine show that couples who maintain open communication about intimacy during illness report greater satisfaction, even if their sexual activity decreases. It's about closeness, not just sex. You know, showing affection and finding new ways to be close.

Bill Simpson: 12:08

And one more challenge I'll mention, and that is to take care of yourself. You know, your needs as the supporter. Here's the truth, man. Supporting your partner doesn't mean ignoring yourself. In fact, neglecting your own needs can backfire on you. Like the American Psychological Association says that caregivers who don't practice self-care are more prone to burnout, which undermines both their health and their ability to support their partner. And for me, getting rest, you know, meditating, exercise with hiking and tai chi and other self-care practices have always been grounding for me. They allow me to recharge so I can keep showing up for my wife with love rather than feeling exhausted and stressed and all that. And taking care of yourself can look like setting boundaries.

Bill Simpson: 13:07

You know, supporting your partner doesn't mean saying yes to everything. And make sure you refill your tank. Like I was saying, you know, exercise, get sleep, rest, get social support, and understand that these things aren't luxuries, you know, they're lifelines to keep you going. And that's why it's important to ask for help. Accepting support from friends and community is a sign of strength, not weakness. And we get caught in that trap, man, you know, as men. So accept that support. Don't just say, I got it. Because remember, you can't pour from an empty cup, right? Yeah, like, and oftentimes, like with Jim and Pam, or even my wife and me, there can be a silver lining.

Bill Simpson: 13:56

Navigating health challenges, or as our bodies go through changes, it can actually help to deepen a relationship. And again, research backs this up. In the Journal of Marriage and Family, it found that couples who work through illness together often reported greater appreciation, stronger bonds, and more meaning in their relationship. And looking back, my wife's challenges have made us stronger, for sure. Each surgery, each flare-up, each scary moment has reminded me how precious she is, you know, how precious we are, how precious life is. And it's not that I wanted those challenges, but I wouldn't trade the closeness we feel as a result.

Bill Simpson: 14:45

And here are some things that helped me keep that closeness. One was practicing gratitude. You know, I mentioned a lot of times on this podcast sharing three appreciations every night before we go to sleep, and saying something like, I appreciate how strong you are, or I'm grateful we can face this together. Another idea is to create rituals, whether it's coffee together after appointments, or a shared walk when possible, finding little things you can do that symbolize your togetherness.

Bill Simpson: 15:22

And take some time to reflect and find the lessons in what you're going through. Ask yourself, what is this teaching us about patience, love, and resilience? And remember, health challenges don't just test love, it can be a way to transform it. And if your partner is facing a health challenge, or if you're anticipating the day they might, remember this. Your role is not to fix everything, but just to be there, to be present, to communicate openly, share the load, find intimacy in whatever way that works for you. And don't forget to take care of yourself along the way. You know, I I never set out to be supportive, you know. I simply love my wife. And love shows up in good health and in sickness, in ease and in challenge.

Bill Simpson: 16:20

And that's the invitation I offer to you to just keep showing up in the everyday ways that say, I love you, you're not alone, I'm with you, and we're in this together. And if you feel like you could use some support around this or any relationship issue, I'm here for you. You can reach me through my show notes or my website, men on the path to love.com. All right, my quote this week comes from psychologist Elizabeth Kubler Ross, who wrote the highly influential book on death and dying. She says,",Illness can be a great teacher, and when couples face it together, they learn what true partnership means." U

Bill Simpson: 17:09

And on that note, I'm gonna bring this episode to an end. The In Sickness and Health, Supporting Your Partners Health Challenges episode. I'm Bill Simpson. Thank you for listening. And if you got something out of listening to this podcast, please share the link and share the love.

Bill Simpson: 17:29

Now, coming up on the next Men on the Path to Love podcast, one of the things I treasure in my relationship with my wife, and that is the simple feel of her touch. Whether it's holding hands on the walk, feeling her body next to me on the couch, or touching toes under the covers, there's something so grounding and reassuring about it. And the research is clear that touch and nonverbal communication are crucial to forming, maintaining, and strengthening intimate relationships. So please join me for the more than words the power of touch and nonverbal communication in relationship episode. Thanks again for listening, and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.