The Distance Dilemma: Can Long-Distance Relationships Really Work?

Can long-distance relationships really work? For some yes — for others no. So how do you tell the difference, and what actually keeps a distant relationship alive? 

In this episode, I explore the distance dilemma with real stories, grounded research, and coaching strategies that can help you build emotional closeness when you can’t share a couch or a quiet walk. You'll hear the story of “Will and Liz" and how their transatlantic relationship turned out. 

If you’re in a long distance relationship and wondering whether to stay the course or steer toward closure, I offer a simple question to ask yourself.

Check out The Distance Dilemma: Can Long-Distance Relationships Really Work?

Chapters

• 0:09 Welcome & The Distance Dilemma
• 0:20 Coaching Men Toward Deeper Connection
• 0:43 Why Long Distance Is On The Rise
• 0:56 Host’s College Breakup Lesson
• 2:29 Will And Liz: Love Across An Ocean
• 6:17 What Research Actually Says
• 7:40 Advantages Of Distance
• 8:26 Hard Truths And Common Pitfalls
• 9:35 What Works: Plans, Rituals, Boundaries
• 12:05 The Nuanced Answer And Reflection
• 13:34 Gottman Quote & Closing CTAs
• 14:39 Next Episode Tease

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:09

And welcome to the men on the connection. The distance dilemma. Can long distance relationships really work? I built something your host. I coach men who are done and suffering in their relationships. Men who want a deeper love, real connection, and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find. So they can live the life they love. So lately I've noticed more of my patients and clients in long-distance relationships. Some are making it work beautifully. Others are struggling, really struggling. So today I'm going to look at what research says about long-distance relationships. The advantages, the challenges, the good, the bad, the ugly, and how to make it work if this is the kind of relationship you're in or considering. Alright? And I'll start with my own story of when I left for college. I had to leave my girlfriend behind. We promised to stay connected with calls, letters back in the day, visits when possible, and we meant it. But over time, the distance did what distance often does. It stretched our connection until it started to fade. The calls became less frequent, our conversations were more on the surface level, and when we did see each other, it was both exciting and kind of awkward. Like we were trying to find the rhythm we once had. And eventually it became clear that what we were holding on to was more of the memory than reality, right?

Bill Simpson: 2:02

And that breakup was painful. But it taught me that love, even with good intentions, sometimes can't survive the weight of time and distance. And that experience stayed with me. And it's one of the reasons why I've always been fascinated by the psychology behind long-distance relationships. Why do some couples thrive while others fail? And that brings me to a story about two friends of mine from college, Will and Liz. Not their real names. They met as freshmen in college, inseparable from day one. They were best friends, study partners, lovers, and what they called soulmates. Everyone who knew them, including myself, believed they'd spend their lives together. And they believed it too.

Bill Simpson: 2:55

Then senior year came, and Will was offered an incredible opportunity. A job in the UK that would pay for his graduate studies and guarantee him a future position with the company. Liz, meanwhile, had landed her dream job in the US. Well, they spent weeks talking it over. Could they do it? Could their love survive the distance? Well, ultimately, they decided to take the leap, to follow their paths, to stay faithful with each other and keep their connection strong through calls, texts, FaceTime, and visits during the holidays and vacations. At first, it worked. They felt like they were beating the odds, you know, proof that love could transcend an ocean apart. But over time, the cracks began to show in the relationship.

Bill Simpson: 3:51

The time difference, for one, made communication harder. Will would text when Liz was asleep, and Liz would often wake up feeling disconnected, missing him in a way that technology couldn't fix. And the hardest part was the lack of physical closeness. You know, that easy touch, that shared silence, and that look across the room. All those moments were gone. Then one night, after a long day at work and a few drinks at a pub, Will found himself laughing and connecting with a colleague. And you know what I'm gonna say, one thing led to another, and he ended up spending the night at her apartment.

Bill Simpson: 4:37

The next morning, guilt hit him like a freight train, feeling guilty and ashamed, and he told his colleague the truth that he was in a long-distance relationship. And she was pretty cool about it, and encouraged him to tell Liz. So he mustered up the courage and did. And when he confessed, Liz got really quiet. Then she started to cry. And Will was apologizing over and over, hoping for her forgiveness. But to his surprise, Liz admitted that she too had slept with someone. And this hit Will hard. You know, it was like a mix of jealousy, sadness, and strangely a sense of relief.

Bill Simpson: 5:31

Well, over the next few days, they talked about what had happened. And they realized that even though they loved each other, what they were holding on to was the idea of their relationship, not the reality of it. Kind of like what I went through. Eventually, with heavy hearts, they decided to end things. And it was the hardest kind of breakup because it wasn't from anger or betrayal, it was from acceptance. You know, their vision of soulmates for life gave way to the maturity of realizing that love, even strong love, sometimes has its limits.

Bill Simpson: 6:17

So what does research say about long-distance relationships? Can long-distance relationships really work? Well, like I said in the beginning, the answer is nuanced. Yes, they can, but not without intentional effort and emotional maturity. A 2013 study from the Journal of Communication found that long-distance couples reported equal or even higher levels of relationship satisfaction and intimacy compared to couples who lived close by. Why, you may ask? Because they had to communicate more intentionally. They couldn't rely on daily logistics or casual touch. They had to use words, you know, to make themselves vulnerable and to be present to stay close emotionally.

Bill Simpson: 7:09

But here's the catch. Not all couples have the same emotional bandwidth or communication skill set to maintain that kind of relationship. Other studies, including one from communication research in 2018, shows that long distance relationships often fall apart due to unmet expectations, emotional burnout, and loneliness, especially when one or both partners struggle with trust or anxiety. So I've got a few advantages that research talk about with long-distance relationships. One is that you have to have stronger communication. Distance forces couples to talk and they have to share their feelings, you know, rather than assume that the other understands.

Bill Simpson: 8:01

Another advantage is there's a deeper appreciation. You know, absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say, right? Well, seeing each other less often can make time together feel more meaningful. And another advantage that cited is the personal growth aspect. Both partners often grow individually, which can strengthen the relationship later. But the challenges, they're real, man. One, that physical absence, especially with us guys, man. You know, there's no substitute for touch, body language, or that spontaneous connection, right? Uh another challenge is miscommunication. You know, sometimes without tone or context, text can easily lead to misunderstandings. And I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

Bill Simpson: 8:56

Um then there's the loneliness and temptation, where you may be looking for emotional or physical needs elsewhere, like with Will and Liz. And another challenge research cites about in terms of long-distance relationship is uh the uncertainty of a future together. Without a shared plan to close that distance, couples can lose hope. And in Will and Liz's case, and in many others I've seen in my practice, it wasn't that the love disappeared, it's that life's logistics, the pragmatics, outweighed the longing for love. So if you're in or considering a long distance relationship, here's what research and experience suggests does work.

Bill Simpson: 9:45

One is to have a timeline. Long distance can work for a season, but it rarely thrives indefinitely. So know when and how the distance will end, even if that plan changes later. Another is so important, and that is to communicate intentionally. Don't over-communicate, you know, just to fill the silence, right? Instead, create space for meaningful check-ins, not just updates, but really checking in emotionally, getting that emotional connection.

Bill Simpson: 10:21

Another thing is to prioritize quality over quantity. You know, maybe it's not talking every single day or two or three times during the day. It could be a five-minute heart-centered conversation. That can be better than an hour of distracted texting. Um and be transparent about your needs. You know, if you're pretending to be fine when you're not, all that can lead to resentment. So talk about and express your loneliness or your frustration or whatever is going on with you. It's not weakness, man, it's honesty. You gotta be honest with yourself and with her. Another idea is to share rituals. Maybe it's watching the same show, or uh it could be cooking together on a video or FaceTime. Um maybe pray or meditate at the same time. All these rituals can help you to anchor your connection and plan visits and make them intentional so you have something to look forward to. And when you do see each other, spend time reconnecting emotionally, not just physically.

Bill Simpson: 11:40

And the last one I'll mention is to set boundaries. Yeah, man, and and make them realistic. Promise to be honest, not perfect. Because let's get real, human beings get lonely, man, and acknowledge the risk instead of pretending it doesn't exist. It's a natural thing, it's normal. Alright.

Bill Simpson: 12:04

So, the question can long distance relationships work? Yes, for some, they work when both partners are emotionally mature, when they talk openly, communicate, and are honest about their needs and their limits, and they work when there's a plan to eventually be together and end the distance. And sometimes, even with all that, they still end, not necessarily from failure, but from life leading two good people in different directions. And for me and for my friends Will and Liz, the distance showed us something important that love can be real, can be powerful, and still not meant to last forever. But it also showed that the heartbreak of it all can deepen your understanding of what you truly need. A connection that is consistent, that is reciprocal, and is safe.

Bill Simpson: 13:08

So if you're in a long-distance relationship right now, here's the question to ask yourself Is the distance between us helping us grow, or is it just keeping us apart? If it's helping you grow, nurture it. If it's keeping you apart, maybe the bravest thing to do is to acknowledge that too. Alright? This week's quote comes from someone I've referenced a lot on this podcast, relationship researcher and expert John Gottman. He says," It's not distance that destroys relationships, it's the lack of clarity about how to bridge it" Yeah, man, it's all about planning and being emotionally transparent, being real, which can be a challenge for all of us.

Bill Simpson: 14:03

And that's gonna do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, the Distance Dilemma. Can long-distance relationships really work? I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you for listening. And hey, if this episode spoke to you, please share it with someone who might need to hear it. Share the link to this podcast and share the love. And if you would like support in navigating your relationship challenges or finding love after divorce or breakup or loss, please visit me at men on the path to love.

Bill Simpson: 14:39

Now, coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, have you ever been in a situation, or maybe you are right now, where you're wondering, should I really stay in this relationship or should I go? Well, that's a topic I've addressed before, and I'm gonna do it again. Please join me next time for the Should I Stay or Should I Go in my relationship episode? And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.