Should I Stay or Should I Go In My Relationship

A question that often haunts us in relationship is: should I stay and fight for this relationship, or is it time to leave? In this episode, I offer a clear, doable framework you can use today—five grounded options that honor both love and self-respect. 

I share what research says and stories of how others have navigated this question. If you’re tired of this question spinning around in your head then listen, take what fits, and choose with intention, courage, and compassion the best option for you. Check out the Should I Stay or Should I Go In My Relationship, episode.

Chapters

• 0:08 Welcome And Core Question
• 1:30 What Research Says About Conflict
• 1:51 Option 1: Leaving With Self-Respect
• 3:31 Option 2: Change What You Control
• 5:31 Option 3: Acceptance Of Differences
• 7:14 Option 4: Stop Making It Worse
• 8:48 Option 5: Stay With A Timeline
• 10:23 Recap And Choosing With Intention
• 11:54 Quote, Resources, And Next Topic

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:08

Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love against The Should I Stay or Should I Go in My Relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection, and to finally feel like themselves again. Help them become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson: 0:44

Should I stay or should I go? It's a question I've had to ask myself more times than I care to admit. I mean, after going through three divorces, I know firsthand how painful, confusing, and life-changing this decision can be. And if you're listening right now, wondering the same thing, whether to stay and fight for your relationship or walk away, you're not alone. And deciding whether to stay or go is one of the most difficult decisions to face in relationship. It's not about can this relationship work, but who do I become if I stay? And who do I become if I leave? Well, research from Drs. John and Julie Gottman has shown that 69% of relationship problems are perpetual, meaning they'll likely never be fully resolved. And the good news is it doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. It just means you need to decide how you'll live with those differences. And over the years, I've narrowed this decision making down to five main options.

Bill Simpson: 1:59

The first option is the most obvious, leave the relationship. It may be the most obvious, but it's not always the easiest option. Sometimes love alone isn't enough to overcome the incompatibility or repeated damage to the relationship. And if the relationship is emotionally destructive, terribly one-sided, or it just goes against your core values, then yeah, leaving may be the healthiest path forward.

Bill Simpson: 2:31

According to research from the University of Utah, people often delay leaving unhappy relationships because of the hidden costs, you know, the time, the emotional investment, or the fear of starting over. But staying in the relationship for the wrong reasons, you know, out of fear, out of guilt, out of obligation, all that comes with its own cost too. You lose yourself. Been there, done that. Yeah, and ending a relationship doesn't mean failure. It's choosing to be real and stop pretending. Leaving can be a powerful act of self-respect. You know, saying, look, I'm not giving up on love. I'm giving up on what no longer serves love. And let me tell you, this was a lesson I learned the hard way. All right? So that's leaving.

Bill Simpson: 3:28

Option number two. You can stay and make the changes that you can that are in your control. Now, this option is for relationships that still have potential, but require effort, insight, and some change. And the truth is, not every problem is about the relationship itself. Sometimes it's about you. Yeah, maybe you've shut down emotionally. Maybe your communication patterns are defensive or avoidant. And maybe resentment has built up within you. Yet when you stay and focus on changing what you can control, you take ownership, you take responsibility. You go from blaming your partner to becoming the kind of man who shows up differently.

Bill Simpson: 4:20

And this makes me think of Eric, not his real name. He was ready to end his marriage because he felt unappreciated and disconnected. But as we explored, he realized that he hadn't been communicating his needs very clearly. He was just expecting his wife to just know. And once he started expressing himself in a calm and direct way and showing some appreciation for his wife, things began to change. And it wasn't magic, but with both of them putting forth the effort, it brought them back to each other.

Bill Simpson: 4:59

And research backs this up. Again, from John Gottman. It says that couples who practice emotional regulation and empathy during conflict see long-term improvements in satisfaction. So the question to ask yourself before you walk away is have I done everything I can to show up as my best self in this relationship? And be really honest with yourself here. Have you really done the best you can? Think about it.

Bill Simpson: 5:31

The third option is to stay in the relationship and choose acceptance of an unsolvable problem. Some problems won't go away, and that's okay. It's common to have unsolvable problems in relationships. The key is acceptance without resentment. You may not change your partner that's introverted, or maybe you can't change her parenting style or her financial habits, but you can decide how to live with them.

Bill Simpson: 6:05

Take Jalen, for example, not his real name. He loved his partner deeply, but couldn't get her to share his passion for travel. She was a homebody. At first it drove Jalen crazy, but over time he accepted that he didn't need to share everything to have that connection. So Jalen started traveling with friends, and his partner was okay with it, and they found peace by honoring their differences instead of fighting them.

Bill Simpson: 6:39

Terry Orbuck's 25-year longitudinal study on marriage found that the happiest couples weren't those without problems. They were those who developed realistic expectations and learned to tolerate differences gracefully. And to be clear here, acceptance doesn't mean giving up. It means letting go of the fantasy of having to have things perfect or to go your way all the time. And choosing the reality of what it means to be in a partnership or long-term relationship.

Bill Simpson: 7:14

Option number four is you can stay in the relationship and just stop doing the things that make it worse. Yeah, man. Sometimes it's not your partner or the problem, it's the pattern. And I see it all the time. And what I mean by this is say when you feel frustrated, you might fall into destructive habits like being overly critical or shutting down or withdrawing, being sarcastic or getting defensive all the time. These are the patterns I'm talking about. And they can create a feedback loop that just keeps the relationship stuck.

Bill Simpson: 8:00

I think of Jerry, again not his real name. He and his wife were constantly arguing about her spending habits. And he would just lash out and go berserk, and she would withdraw. And they both basically felt unheard, unseen, you know. When Jerry decided to stop blaming his wife, you know, this blame cycle, and instead focusing on budgeting together, and also expressing appreciation to her when she made small improvements. It helped to ease the tension between them. And by letting go of what made it worse, you know, the lashing out and the blaming cycle, Jerry created space for better communication.

Bill Simpson: 8:44

And more research here from Dr. Sue Johnson, who founded EFT, Emotionally Focused Therapy, talks about how love is not the absence of conflict, it's the ability to repair after the conflict. And sometimes it's just subtraction, right? It's taking away the behaviors that get in the way of intimacy. And one more option to think about, and that's number five, you can stay for now, but have a timeline plan. And this often is a good middle path. You know, you can stay in the relationship for now with a clear plan and a set timeline.

Bill Simpson: 9:27

Research from Dr. David Snarch supports this. It says that it helps couples to avoid this indefinite sense of being in limbo. You know, and what you do is you commit to a set period of time, say six months, and of genuine effort that you both agree on. You know, specific goals like go, are we going to therapy? Uh maybe it's communicating better, spending more time together, whatever it is. And at the end of that six months or whatever time you allot, you reassess the situation and you do it based on your effort and progress, not just emotion. And having this structure helps to create accountability and clarity, and it gives both of you a fair chance without staying stuck forever because you've made that timeline.

Bill Simpson: 10:23

So if you're asking yourself, should I stay or should I go, remember, you've got these five options. You can leave when staying would mean betraying your core self, right? You can stay and change what you can when there's room for growth through your self-awareness. You can stay and accept what can't be changed, you know, the unsolvable problem. You accept it when peace is more important than perfection. You can stay and let go of what makes it worse. Removing toxic patterns can open the door to healing. And the last one is you can stay for now, but with a plan, a timeline, when you need time to honestly evaluate your progress. And progress can be slow. So it's again noticing that there is some progress, and if it is, keep going. If it's not, then you have to make that decision.

Bill Simpson: 11:23

And look, there's no one size fits all answer here. But whichever you choose, make sure you choose with intention. Do it with courage because it takes a lot of courage to make these kind of choices, to be really honest with yourself. Make sure you have clarity and make sure that you do this with compassion for yourself and for your spouse or partner. All right?

Bill Simpson: 11:54

This week's quote comes from mindfulness coach Corey Mascara. He says, quote, if you're torn between staying and leaving, it's often because part of you still hopes and another part of you already knows. Unquote. Yeah, man. So slow down, take your time, get clarity, and have compassion. And remember, you have options.

Bill Simpson: 12:24

And that will bring this episode to an end. The should I stay or should I go in my relationship episode. If you got something out of listening to this episode, please share it with someone who needs to hear it. Share the link to this podcast and share the love. And by all means, man, if you're struggling trying to decide to stay or go, or have any relationship issues you need to get off your chest, I'm here for you. Please visit my website, men on the path to love.com. I am here to support you.

Bill Simpson: 13:00

Now, coming up next time on the Men on the Path to Love podcast, one of the biggest challenges I hear about in my clinical practice is the struggle of trying to maintain a healthy relationship while raising kids. It ain't easy. I've lived those challenges myself. You know, from sleepless nights with infants to navigating boundaries with adult kids and in between. And whether you're married with children, a single parent, dating, or married to someone who has kids, my next episode can help you strengthen your connection while at the same time managing the challenging demands of parenting. Yeah, please join me for The Parenting Trap: Keeping Your Relationship Alive While Raising Kids, episode.

Bill Simpson: 13:49

Alright man, thanks for listening and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.