The Parenting Trap: Keeping Your Relationship Alive While Raising Kids

Having trouble navigating your relationship and raising your kids? You're not alone. Raising kids is one of the greatest joys and one of the biggest stress tests any couple can face. I know firsthand. I'm a Dad to a daughter and a son. 

In this episode, I share Harry & Sally''s story and how they navigated their parenting trap. You’ll also get practical, evidence-based strategies you can use this week to get out of your parenting trap and make your relationship stronger with your partner and your kids. Check out The Parenting Trap: Keeping Your Relationship Alive While Raising Kids, episode.

Chapters

• 0:13 Welcome And Core Premise
• 1:44 Research On Post‑Baby Relationship Strain
• 2:50 Harry And Sally’s Story Begins
• 4:15 Crisis, Therapy, And Repair
• 5:59 Putting The Partnership First
• 7:57 Evidence‑Based Connection Strategies
• 10:13 Sharing The Mental Load
• 12:15 Micro Connections And Imperfect Parenting
• 13:53 Common Parenting Traps To Avoid
• 15:53 Three‑Word Exit: Awareness, Communication, Compassion

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:13

Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the parenting trap, keeping your relationship alive while raising kids episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection, and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love. Now, as a parent myself, a dad to a son and daughter who are adults now, I've been there. Yeah, and I've been a single dad and I've also been a stepdad. And here's what I've learned through it all. No matter what kind of parenting situation you're in, it ain't easy. Let me tell you, raising kids, man, it's one of the greatest joys and one of the biggest stress tests any couple can face. And I've often heard couples say, well, maybe if we have a baby, it will make our relationship better. I get it. You know, the idea of creating life together can feel like it will deepen your bond. But if your relationship is already on shaky ground, adding a child is not going to fix it. In fact, research shows the opposite.

Bill Simpson: 1:44

According to the Gottman Institute, 67% of couples experience a significant decline in relationship satisfaction after the birth of their first child. Emotional connection decreases, conflict increases, and intimacy starts to fade away. And a similar study by the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples' communication patterns become more critical and defensive during the first two years of parenting, especially when the relationship was already under strain before the baby arrived.

Bill Simpson: 2:19

And the truth is kids will magnify what's already there. You know, if your partnership is strong, they'll highlight that strength. If it's weak, well, the cracks will show up quickly, let me tell you. And parenting doesn't just test your patience, it tests your teamwork, your ability to regulate your emotions, your capacity to love under pressure, and your ability to communicate when you're burned out.

Bill Simpson: 2:50

I'll share a story here about Harry and Sally, not their real names. When Harry met Sally, uh she had already had a three-year-old son. I'll call him Evan. His biological father was in and out of the picture. He was inconsistent and unpredictable. And Harry connected with Evan early on. He became the more stable and loving presence in his life, you know, the father figure, the guy who showed up, right? And in those early years, Harry and Sally kept things pretty balanced. They didn't rush to live together. They carved out family time and couple time for themselves. They managed to nurture both relationships with Evan and with each other.

Bill Simpson: 3:42

Well, after a few years, they got married and they decided to have a child together. Well, they ended up having twins, and man, their world was turned upside down. I mean, the chaos started right away, and it was constant, and nights would blur into days, and Evan, now eight years old, he felt a bit left out and started acting out in school. And Sally was stretched thin, you know, with juggling breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, and feeling guilty about not giving Evan enough attention. And Harry was trying to work, you know, help out with the babies and support Sally the best he could, but often he felt like he just couldn't win.

Bill Simpson: 4:31

The tension between them grew, and their conversations became all about pragmatics, you know, bottles, diapers, pickups, who's gonna pay what bill, and all that stuff. And their intimacy virtually disappeared. They began snapping at each other, sometimes over the smallest things. And the breaking point came one night when Harry fell asleep on the couch again. And Sally found him there and she was over it. She was like, you know, I feel like we're roommates, not husband and wife, not partners. And that was their wake-up call. I mean, they loved each other deeply, but parenting had swallowed them whole. And that's when they decided to get help.

Bill Simpson: 5:22

They began working with a family therapist who helped them see that their relationship needed attention just like their kids did. They learned new tools for communicating more effectively. They created structured us time, you know, and they even started using humor to diffuse the tension in the house. And over time, with a lot of work, they found their rhythm again. Not perfect, but they were being real. And here's what they learned to help turn things around. They made it a priority that their partnership and marriage came first. A strong relationship between parents creates stability for the kids. The family system is only as healthy as the partnership at the center. So it starts with the parents.

Bill Simpson: 6:18

They also learned that what worked before kids doesn't always work after. Most of the time it doesn't. They learned to have these short, honest check-ins instead of like long marathon talks that go nowhere. They decided to divide and conquer without resentment. And instead of competing over who was more tired or who did more, they started acknowledging each other, thanking each other, and offering appreciations more often, and asking for help before the resentment built up. And they also kept small rituals to stay connected, like a five-minute hug early in the morning before they get out of bed. You know, these are the little things, the little rituals that can remind you that you're more than co-parents, you're partners, right?

Bill Simpson: 7:18

And they also agreed to repair any kind of emotional wounds right away. What I mean by that is they stopped trying to be perfect parents and focus instead on repairing and apologizing quickly after they had an argument or conflict. And this is so important. The Gottman Institute calls this one of the most powerful predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction. So those were the things that Harry and Sally learned, and you can apply those too. I'm going to share some evidence-based strategies for couples who want to stay connected while raising kids. Alright?

Bill Simpson: 7:57

So the first, and this was part of Harry and Sally's plan, was schedule couple time and treat that us time, that couple time, as sacred. Okay? There's research from the University of Virginia's National Marriage Project that found that couples who spend dedicated time together weekly are three and a half times more likely to purport being very happy in their relationship.

Bill Simpson: 8:25

Another strategy is to be mindful, you know, share the mental load of what's going on. What I mean by that is the invisible work of trying to remember all the things you have to do, you know, appointments and all the things you have to do to keep up on top of your family, right? You know, the planning and anticipating needs. And a lot of times that often gets out of balance. And what's important is to share that mental load. Have open discussions about what sharing the load really means so that you both have an understanding and that you both feel like you're each doing your part. Yeah, and make sure you keep affection alive. You may not have a whole lot of time for adult time, right? But even brief physical touch, like holding hands or a hug or a kiss goodbye, that can release oxytocin and reduce stress for both of you. And research from the American Psychological Association backs that up. Another thing is to create micro connections. And what I mean by that is you don't have to wait for date night. You can leave a sweet little note or send a midday text or just take a 10-minute walk together, something small, like I said earlier. Those small moments can build big connections. And make sure you try to let go of being perfect.

Bill Simpson: 10:03

We want to do the best for our kids as parents, and you know, there are no rules. We just do the best we can, and yeah, there's some strategies we can follow. Listen, kids don't need perfect parents because there is no such thing, right? They need parents that are real. They need to be real, they need to be present and emotionally attuned. And you get to be a model for how to repair a relationship after conflict or stress. You get to model having fun and actually showing them what love looks like. Just be real, not perfect.

Bill Simpson: 10:43

And if you find yourself struggling, like Harry and Sally were doing, try to get your support early because the longer you wait for this, the harder it is to reverse it and repair it. And and get back on track, you know, get your rhythm back. You know, you don't wait until you're in a crisis to reach out for help, whether it's therapy, coaching, or even talking with a trusted friend can make a world of difference.

Bill Simpson: 11:13

Now, there are some parenting traps that I want to make you aware of. And one is neglecting the partnership or marriage. You know, like we'll focus on us later, we've got to focus on the kids now. No, don't do that. Don't neglect your marriage, don't neglect your partnership. It's so vital. And don't get into score keeping. Remember, you guys are a team. So you want to look at the big picture of what has to be done. And some days you'll do more, some days she may do more, but don't keep score. Go for the common good.

Bill Simpson: 12:00

And make sure that you're not talking about the kids all the time, that it's all about the kids. Because this is where you can start to lose your adult time and intimacy and your shared identity. Okay, so yeah, you gotta talk about the kids, you debrief whatever, yet make sure you're having time to talk about you and the relationship and how things are going. To keep that intimacy and keep your shared identity.

Bill Simpson: 12:29

And one other thing I'll mention is to watch out for unresolved resentment building underneath the surface. I've seen it happen, and resentment is dangerous because resentment often leads to contempt, and that is enemy number one in relationship. All right. So if you start to feel that resentment build up, it's your opportunity to talk about it, get it out, clear the air, so that doesn't start to build and build and build and make a mess out of everything.

Bill Simpson: 13:04

So you may be wondering, how do I get out of this parenting trap? Right. Well, the strategy is simple. Three words awareness, communication, and compassion. Yeah, so the awareness is catching the pattern, communicate it, name it, and with compassion, choose something different. Yeah, it's simple enough in theory, right? And yet it can be very challenged to play it out because when you're in your triggers and you're in it and it's hard to think about all this stuff when you're in it, but just keep practicing and keep growing, and by all means, give yourself some grace. It's hard work, and yet it's so worth it in the long run.

Bill Simpson: 13:55

And listen, as always, if you're struggling with this, please know that I'm here to help you in any way that I can. Simply go to my website, you can schedule a free coaching session with me. We've got an hour, and sometimes that's all it takes to get clarity. So always remember, I am here for you at men on the path to love.com. My quote this week comes from coach and mediator Ashley Wills. The quote says, A strong marriage doesn't have two strong people at the same time. It has a husband and wife who take turns being strong for each other. Unquote. That sounds like a plan for success.

unknown: 14:38

Yeah.

Speaker: 14:39

Give yourselves some grace, and you'll get through this. And that will do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the parenting trap, keeping your relationship alive while raising kids episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you as always for listening. And if you got something out of listening to this episode, please share the link to this podcast and share the love.

Speaker: 15:10

Now, coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, as we creep into the month of November, the holidays are just around the corner. And at a time of supposed gratitude, joy, peace, and light. For some, it's also a time of grief, sadness, loneliness, and darkness. I'll be talking about what I've heard called the lonely season and how the holidays can impact those in relationships and those who've gone through a divorce or breakup. I'll explore why loneliness often spikes during this time of year, no matter what your relationship status, and what you can do to create gratitude, peace, purpose, and connection.

Speaker: 15:53

Please join me for the lonely season, navigating the holidays in or out of relationship episode. And remember, until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.