The Lonely Season: Navigating the Holidays In or Out of Relationship

I've heard the holiday season referred to as  the "lonely season." In this episode, I talk about why this time of year hits so hard for many men—after divorce/break up or even within a loving relationship—and how support, boundaries, and self-compassion can turn the season from crushing you to manageable. 

You'll hear 2 stories of loneliness in and out of relationship. I also walk you through 10 practical, evidence-based steps to help you get through your days from Thanksgiving to New Year’s. Check out The Lonely Season: Navigating the Holidays In or Out of Relationship, episode.

Beyond the Episode YouTube link

Chapters

• 0:00 Setting The Theme: The Lonely Season
• 0:51 Why Holidays Hurt After Divorce
• 2:20 Tony Finds Healing Through Community
• 4:34 Loneliness Inside Relationships
• 5:17 Noah’s Grief And Allie’s Boundaries
• 7:04 Support Heals: Core Takeaway
• 7:52 Ten Practical Ways To Cope
• 13:34 Quote Of The Week: Self-Compassion
• 14:04 Coaching Offer And Share Request
• 15:01 Teaser: AI Vs Real Connection

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:11

Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love Again. The Lonely Season. Navigating the holidays in or out of relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships. Men who want deeper love, real connection, and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson: 0:51

So this episode is a special one. It's about that time of year that carries a lot of pressure, a lot of expectations, and for many people, a lot of pain. And I've heard it called the lonely season just for that reason. And there certainly were some lonely seasons in my life, you know, especially after divorce, you know, when the holidays hit me hard. Each divorce had its own story, and I won't go into those, but the common theme was I miss the family and the connection I once had. I miss the traditions, the laughter, the feeling of belonging, you know, the sense that this is my place, man, these are my people, you know. And man, that first year after divorce, standing in the middle of the Christmas lights and hearing all the holiday music, and still feeling completely alone. And that's a feeling I've never forgotten. And I know I'm not the only one.

Bill Simpson: 1:56

For so many men, especially, the holidays bring up grief, longing, and the memories of what once was. And the truth is, loneliness doesn't care whether you're single or have a partner, and it's something that many of us carry quietly inside. And that's why I wanted to create this episode.

Bill Simpson: 2:20

I'll start with Tony's story. Not his real name, of course. He's a divorced dad with two kids, and for him, the holidays became the hardest time of year. You know, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, each one of them hitting like a wave. Tony would quietly dread the social pressure, you know, the casual, so what are you doing for Thanksgiving this year? You know, the holiday small talk in the hallway at work, and the family plans that he no longer fits into the same way.

Bill Simpson: 2:54

And with his work slowing down and the nights getting darker earlier, there was more space. Too much space really, for thinking. And he did a lot of thinking. And during those quiet thinking moments, he would catch himself asking, you know, how did I get here? Will I be alone again this year? You know, he missed the family he once had. He missed the joy of watching his kids open presents under one roof. And he dreaded sitting at family gatherings and seeing the chair where his ex once sat. Her not being there hit him like a punch in the gut.

Bill Simpson: 3:34

Well, last Christmas at his family dinner, his uncle, a guy who doesn't miss much, noticed that Tony wasn't himself. And he pulled him aside and put a hand on his shoulder and said, Hey, look, Tony, you don't have to carry this alone. Then he told Tony about a support group for divorced men at his church. And something in Tony shifted. He said it was the push he needed, and that the timing was perfect. He joined the group, he listened, he talked, and for the first time in a long time, he didn't feel invisible. And later he said that, you know, I didn't need to be fixed, I just needed to be seen. And with that support, that connection became the beginning of his healing and the journey of his commitment to personal growth.

Bill Simpson: 4:34

Now, loneliness doesn't just happen after divorce or breakup. It can happen inside a relationship too. And that was the case with Noah and Allie. Again, not their real names. They were in a loving, committed relationship, but every year from Thanksgiving through New Year's, Noah would sink quietly into a heavy sadness. Why? Because when he was fifteen, his mother died of cancer. In the holidays, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, New Year's, that's when she shined the brightest. And he missed the way she used to sing while she cooked, the goofy handmade gifts she created for everyone. And the tradition of lighting candles together while she told stories from her childhood. And he just remembered those memories were beautiful, and yet they also hurt.

Bill Simpson: 5:33

Allie tried everything to cheer him up. You know, the perfect gifts, elaborate plans, traditions she hoped he'd love. But the more she tried, the worse he would respond. He would pull back and snap and shut down. She was giving her best, and it still wasn't enough. Eventually, Allie realized that she couldn't fix Noah, and trying harder wasn't helping either of them. So she did something that took a lot of courage. She sought therapy for herself. And through that, she learned how to support Noah by being present, not trying to rescue him. She learned to set boundaries so she didn't lose herself in Noah's emotional storm. She learned compassion without abandoning herself.

Bill Simpson: 6:25

Well, Noah noticed the changes in Ali and he liked what he saw. So much so, he was inspired. Seeing her take responsibility for her own well-being helped him see that he needed to take responsibility for his. So he reached out and found a grief counselor. And for the first time in his adult life, he allowed himself to grieve his mom. And as far as the holidays, they didn't magically become joyful, but they became more manageable, healthier, and lighter.

Bill Simpson: 7:04

So the moral of these two stories is that support heals. I've seen it over and over, and I know for me, support was what healed me. Tony found healing through a men's group. Noah found healing through grief work and the support of a partner who didn't try to fix him. And Allie grew through therapy and by setting boundaries. The common thread here support. And add to that community, courage, and connection. And man, when we get support, whether we're in a relationship or not, the holiday season becomes something we can actually navigate and not something that has to crush us and bring us down.

Bill Simpson: 7:52

So what are some ways you can navigate the so-called lonely season if you're feeling that way? Well, I've got ten ways that could help you. Number one, acknowledge what you're feeling. It's like what I say a lot, and that is what you feel is how you heal. And research shows that when you can identify your feelings, you know, naming them, it can reduce their intensity. So if you're lonely, simply say to yourself, I'm feeling lonely right now. And when you name it as opposed to stuffing it, you get control over it.

Bill Simpson: 8:32

Number two is create new holiday rituals. A study from the Journal of Positive Psychology found that intentional rituals increase emotional stability and reduce holiday stress. And you don't have to recreate the past, you know, you can create something new, even if it's small. It could be as simple as offering appreciations to everyone.

Bill Simpson: 8:59

Number three is to reach out even if you don't want to. And I know this firsthand, and I used to isolate and it would just make things feel worse and worse. So when you isolate yourself, it fuels loneliness. And with connection, even a simple connection reduces loneliness. So you could reach out and call a friend, or join a group, take a class, go to a community event, anything to connect with others.

Bill Simpson: 9:35

The fourth idea is to get outside in nature, man. Yeah. Research says sunlight increases serotonin and movement reduces the cortisol. And nature calms the nervous system. So get outside in nature, even if it's cold, bundle up, get out there, get some fresh air, get some movement in, and this will help you get into a better mood.

Bill Simpson: 10:00

Number five is practice self-compassion. I preach self-compassion all the time. Self-compassion expert, Dr. Kristen Neff, who I had the pleasure of doing a workshop with, she says that self-compassion reduces depression and loneliness more than just positive thinking. So it's about being real with yourself and having compassion. You could try saying something like, This is hard, and I'm handling things the best way I know right now. So it's not self-pity or woe is me. It's being real with what is, acknowledging yourself, and giving yourself grace.

Bill Simpson: 10:45

Number six is give support to someone else. Yeah, when you help others, it actually activates the reward centers in the brain. Helping could look like volunteering, you know, uh checking in on a friend or helping a neighbor. This helps to create the shift from I'm alone to I matter because you're doing something purposeful, which is so powerful in shifting your mood and attitude.

Bill Simpson: 11:17

Number seven is about planning ahead for the holidays, knowing that you know it's coming, right? That's why I'm doing this episode in the middle of November before we actually hit the holidays. You don't want to wait for the loneliness to hit. So plan out your days knowing that you struggle. And creating structure helps to protect your emotional well-being. It helps to reduce anxiety and depression. Moving right along to number eight, try to limit nostalgia. Yeah, I it this is this can be hard. Nostalgia can be really healing, you know, thinking about all the good memories, but too much of it can drag you down into the past. Remember, you can honor your memories without having to live in them. You can be present and honor your memories at the same time.

Bill Simpson: 12:16

Number nine, use your support system. Whatever that is for you, whatever that looks like. It could be friends, family, groups, therapists, coaches, anything. Just understand we're not meant to carry our emotional weight alone. So you don't have to do it alone. Use your support system. And that kind of goes back to not isolating as well. Reach out.

Bill Simpson: 12:44

And the last one I'll mention, number 10, is give yourself permission to feel joy, man. And I know sometimes the hardest part is allowing yourself to enjoy something new without feeling guilty. And look, joy doesn't disrespect the past. It honors the part of you that's still living and growing. And that's why instead of getting too caught up in the past or complain about the commercialism of the season or whatever, I try to enjoy the light of the season, and especially the joy I see on the faces of the children. Having the joy and seeing the joy in others. It's a beautiful thing, man, and it's really helped me to shift into seeing the holidays from a whole different perspective.

Bill Simpson: 13:34

My quote of the week comes from poet Cleo Wade that reflects self-compassion for the holidays. It simply says, " this time of year, be gentle with yourself. Your heart is doing the best it can." Yeah, man, a lesson in self-compassion for us all. Put that on your fridge. This time of year, be gentle with yourself. Your heart is doing the best it can.

Bill Simpson: 14:04

And listen, if you find yourself struggling as we approach the holidays, please reach out. I'm here to support you. Just go to my website, men on the path to love.com. You can sign up for a free hour-long coaching session. And if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, then please share the link to this podcast and share the love.

Bill Simpson: 14:30

And that'll do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, the Lonely Season, navigating the holidays in or out of relationships. My name is Bill Simpson. Thank you for listening. Now, coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, I've noticed a lot lately in my clinical and private practices and in just my day-to-day conversations that some folks are using AI basically as their therapist or coach. And it got me to thinking, can AI really take over what I do? So I did some research and decided to do an episode on it. Please join me for the AI versus real connection. Can ChatGPT Be R elationship Coach episode? The answer might surprise you. And hey, until then, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.