Is It Love or a Trauma Bond? How to Tell the Difference

What if the rush you think is love is actually your nervous system trying to get relief from pain? It could be trauma bonding, where intense emotional highs and lows, fear, inconsistency, or manipulation create a powerful attachment that feels like love… but isn’t. In this episode, I explore the difference between real love and trauma bonding. 

I share my own experience of a trauma bonding relationship as well as "Eric's" story, a rollercoaster relationship that went from soul mate promises,  accusations and threats to leave, to the high of making up and comebacks that kept him stuck in what he thought was love.

I lay out a clear distinction between real love and trauma bonding along with 7 questions to ask yourself to help you decide. Check out the Is It Love or a Trauma Bond? How to Tell the Difference, episode.

Beyond the Episode (YouTube)

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Why This Topic
• 0:45 What Trauma Bonding Means
• 3:36 Bill’s Story And Early Wounds
• 6:30 Eric’s Story And The Hot–Cold Loop
• 8:16 What Healthy Love Looks Like
• 10:58 Seven Questions To Tell The Difference
• 12:21 Hope, Healing, And Next Steps
• 13:40 Quote Of The Week And Teaser

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:10

Hi, and welcome to the man on the love highest. How to tell the difference in episode. I build some senior host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships. Men who want deeper love, real connection, and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson: 0:45

I was recently on a call with a guy who was saying that he found out from his therapist that he was trauma bonding in his relationship. And I thought I would create some awareness around it on my podcast. And I've noticed that when guys find out what trauma bonding is, it raises the question, is this real love or am I trauma bonding? And it's a powerful question, and it's a brave question as well. And for so many men, especially those with difficult childhoods or painful relationship histories, it's not always easy to tell the difference.

Bill Simpson: 1:26

So what is trauma bonding, you may be asking? Well, trauma bonding is a term that was first introduced by psychologist Patrick Carnes. He was known for his work on addiction and unhealthy attachment cycles. A trauma bond forms when intense emotional experiences become intertwined with intermittent reinforcement. And what that means is periods of affection and closeness or validation are mixed with periods of withdrawal, arguments or conflict, and emotional harm. It's like a mixture of do and don't.

Bill Simpson: 2:05

Research shows there are several key factors that create trauma bonds. When I mentioned, you know, the cycles of affection and abuse. And the abuse is not always physical, it can be emotional and psychological as well. There's an imbalance of power where one partner dominates the other. There's no sense of predictability in the relationship. There's the trigger of old childhood wounds coming up around attachment. And what feels like a hormonal roller coaster, you know, the onslaught of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, and then the happy hormones like dopamine and oxytocin.

Bill Simpson: 2:50

And what happens when all of this is present, it creates a kind of emotional addiction, you know, where the highs feel really high and euphoric and the lows feel devastating, man. And you desperately cling to the relationship because your nervous system becomes wired to get relief from the very person that's causing the distress, your partner. So it's crazy making. Now, trauma bonds don't only exist in romantic relationships. They can show up in family systems, work environments, even friendships. But in this episode, I'm only focusing on romantic relationships. Because for many men, trauma bonding can feel like love until it damn nearly destroys them.

Bill Simpson: 3:41

And I can relate to that, man. I had been in a roller coaster relationship that looking back was a classic trauma bond. It was intense, man. I mean, it'd be hot and then cold. And there would be this feeling of hope in the future, followed by all this pain and suffering. And man, I stayed for years hanging on to crumbs, thinking that these little moments, these little crumbs of closeness, meant that things would change. And I gotta tell you, I lost my identity in that relationship. I didn't see it at the time, but it was directly connected to my abandonment wound that I've mentioned before on this podcast. That's the wound that developed when my mother gave custody to my father when I was eight years old, and then she died when I was 13, and I never saw her again in between that.

Bill Simpson: 4:42

And so that heartbreak, that abandonment shaped how I was in relationships as early as a teenager and of course as an adult. You know, I was overlapping relationships all the way through my first marriage. And I've also mentioned on my podcast that I grew up with significant early trauma, scoring six out of the ten ACES or adverse childhood experiences assessment. Now, to put it in perspective, scoring four or above indicates the risk of adverse health and social issues. And with my parents divorcing and my mom leaving and dying, those were two of my six traumas.

Bill Simpson: 5:26

And my current wife also scored high on the ACES assessment. You know, we both came from chaotic emotional environments. We both experienced trauma that shaped our internal worlds. And yet when we met, we had done the work, you know, therapy, workshops, trainings, lots of deep self-reflection and healing. And because of doing the work, instead of bonding through our wounds, we were aware of them, we we talked about them, but we connected through our healing. It allowed me to receive love that wasn't chaotic, and to be present with my wife today to build something safe, healthy, intimate, grounded, and real. I'm saying all this to say that I get it. Been there, done that.

Bill Simpson: 6:23

Another example of trauma bonding is Eric's story, not his real name. Eric met a woman during a very vulnerable time in his life. He had gone through divorce and the loss of a parent in the same year. And in the beginning, this woman gave Eric a lot of affection. She was loving and passionate, and she even said that he was her soulmate, and she wanted to spend every moment with him. But as time went on, slowly things started to shift. She became unpredictable. You know, one week she would shower him with all this affection and all these plans for the future, and then the next week she'd pull back, accusing him of not caring, or threatening to leave him.

Bill Simpson: 7:14

And every time that Eric felt like he wanted to leave, she'd come back with an apology, or saying, Oh, I can't live without you, or there'd be this amazing weekend of intense closeness and sex that made the pain seem worth it. Eric thought this was love. But what he was really experiencing was that psychological loop of the hot and cold, you know, the do-don't, which is the typical trait of a trauma bond. When Eric started therapy and coaching and became aware of trauma bonding, he realized that he didn't love her. He loved the high of the makeup after an argument, you know, or the reconciliation. He loved the fantasy of who she could be, not the reality of who she was. And once he broke the cycle, he said something that rang true for me as well. He said that he didn't know how unhealthy it was until he experienced healthy love. And that's true for a lot of men. It was certainly true for me.

Bill Simpson: 8:24

Now, speaking of healthy love, what does healthy love actually look like? Well, research tells us that healthy love has the following predictable patterns. There's consistency, not chaos. There's a sense of emotional safety, a sense of repair after an argument rather than an escalation. There's mutual respect and accountability. Your identity is strong and stable. You don't lose yourself. Calm is the baseline in the relationship, not anxiety. You feel accepted without feeling like you have to earn connection. And love is not this constant high that you're trying to get. It's steady, like a cosine wave, you know, versus peaks and valleys. It's nourishing and respectful. It helps you grow into yourself, not a smaller version of yourself.

Bill Simpson: 9:37

With trauma bonding, there are these intense highs and destructive lows. Chemistry is built through fear, uncertainty, or a longing. It's like feeling hooked, not connected. You lose your sense of yourself. You rationalize harmful behavior. You cling to the crumbs of affection that I mentioned. You feel anxious more than at peace. And the relationship triggers old wounds more than it heals them.

Bill Simpson: 10:10

With healthy love, there's a sense of steady warmth and affection. Chemistry is based on safety and feeling attuned. You feel grounded and seen and heard. You grow more into your authentic self. There's a mutual accountability, there's room for repair after an argument or conflict. You feel secure, not anxious. The relationship supports healing. And one of the biggest myths I've heard, and that is if a relationship feels calm, then there must be something wrong. But in reality, the calm is a sign of secure attachment, not boredom.

Bill Simpson: 10:58

To make it even easier for you, I came up with seven evidence-based questions to ask yourself to tell if it's love or a trauma bond. All right? Number one, does the relationship feel like a roller coaster or a smooth ride, like a refuge? You know, love is steady. Trauma bonding feels unpredictable. Number two, am I more anxious than I am peaceful? Number three is do I feel seen or do I feel like I'm constantly trying to earn affection? Number four is do I abandon myself and my needs to keep the relationship? Yeah, your your needs shouldn't disappear for the relationship to survive. Does conflict lead to restoration or repair or to more chaos? Number six, do I stay for the potential of the person and not the reality? And the last one, number seven, do the good moments feel like relief instead of a genuine connection? If you answered yes to several of these questions, then it may be worth your while to look a little deeper.

Bill Simpson: 12:17

And you know, look, there is good news here. The hope is you can heal this. Trauma bonding is not a life sentence. With the right support, our brains and nervous systems can rewire. Our attachment patterns can change and grow, and we can learn to choose and receive healthy love. I'm living proof of that. My wife is living proof of that, and many of my clients are living proof of that as well. Healing is not about having a perfect past, it's about creating a different future.

Bill Simpson: 12:57

And listen, if this episode resonated with you, you know, if you've ever wondered whether your pain was trying to pass itself off as love and passion, well, remember this. Real love doesn't confuse you. Real love doesn't break you. Real love doesn't require you to disappear and lose your identity. Real love expands you. Real love steadies you, calms you, and real love supports the man you're becoming. If you're ready to expand and do that work, man, you're on the right path. If you need some support, please reach out. Just go to my website, Man on the Paththouse.com. You can sign up for that free hour-long coaching session I have. And sometimes that's all you need, man, to get back on track, to get some perspective and to move forward. Again, that's at Man on the Pathtolove.com.

Bill Simpson: 14:00

And if you know someone who you think needs to hear this episode, then please share the link to this podcast and share the love. All right, it's time now for this week's quote of the week from the late pioneer of inner child work, John Bradshaw. He says, "the wounded child inside many adults is a powerful force. Healing this inner child is the key to transforming our relationships." Can I get an amen on that?

Bill Simpson: 14:38

And that will do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast. Is it love or a trauma bond? How to tell the difference episode. My name is Bill Simpson, and I thank you for listening.

Bill Simpson: 14:53

Now, coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, there's a common theme that comes up so often when working with clients, especially men, and that is shame. It's one of the quietest relationship killers, man. Let me tell you. Well, I'll be exploring how shame shapes the way men show up in relationships, why it often hides beneath anger, withdrawal, or having to be perfect, and how feeling it can transform your connection, your relationship. If shame has ever made you feel not enough, this episode is for you. Please join me next time for the When You Don't Feel Enough, the Impact of Shame on Relationship episode. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.