When You Don’t Feel Like You’re Enough: The Impact of Shame on Relationship

In this episode, I talk about how shame can convince men that they are unworthy of love and how that belief slowly chips away intimacy, trust and joy in relationship. I share about my struggle with shame, as well as "Cliff's" powerful story of how his shame almost ended his life and what he did about it. You'll get some practical steps to name shame, break the numbing cycles and rebuild connection with yourself and your partner. Check out the When You Don’t Feel Like You’re Enough: The Impact of Shame on Relationship, episode. 

Beyond the Episode (YouTube)

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Season Finale Setup
• 0:53 Naming Shame And Why It Hurts
• 2:41 Shame vs Guilt: The Crucial Difference
• 3:22 How Shame Sabotages Relationships
• 6:33 Cliff And Claire: From Shame To Growth
• 10:24 Not About Religion; About Shame
• 11:29 Practical Steps To Heal Shame
• 15:21 Vulnerability, Support, And Next Steps
• 16:37 Brene Brown Quote And Sharing
• 17:29 Season Break, Gratitude, And Sign-Off

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:08

Hi, and welcome to the men on the past love again. So when you don't feel like you're enough, the impact of change on relationship episodes. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in relationships. Men who want deeper love, real connection, and to finally feel like themselves again. So they can live the life they love!

Bill Simpson: 0:43

So this episode is the final one of season four. Yeah, I hear you moaning. Well, anyway, I wanted to close this season with a topic that hits deep for so many men, and that is shame. What shame does to us, what it does to our relationships, and how we can heal from it. So with me calling this episode When You Don't Feel Like You're Enough, the Impact of Shame on Relationship, I'm going to tell you straight up that this one hits home for me. It's personal.

Bill Simpson: 1:23

As early as I can remember, shame was there. You know, I remember being shamed by my parents for doing something wrong. And, you know, they did the best they could. And I remember being embarrassed in my second grade class for saying the wrong word when reading out loud. And the whole class was laughing at me. You know, and I remember the shame of the church telling me I had sinned. And I remember shaming myself for those so-called sins. And man, I carried the shame of divorce for a long time. You know, something that I said I would never do as a kid because my parents went through divorce and I wasn't going to do that. Well, guess what? I went through three, okay? And I'm here to tell you that shame is something that I continue to struggle with to this day.

Bill Simpson: 2:17

But through my healing journey, you know, years of personal and spiritual growth, going to therapy, uh, workshops, trainings, and practicing self-compassion. I mean, all these things have helped me to learn how to respond to shame in a whole new and healthy way. And for that, I am truly grateful. I heard psychologist Brene' Brown define shame as the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging. In other words, we're not e nough.

Bill Simpson: 2:55

Sometimes shame and guilt go hand in hand and can get mixed up. Research from the American Psychological Association says that shame is identity based while guilt is behavior based. In other words, guilt says I did something wrong. And shame says there's something wrong with me. And shame is so powerful, man. I mean, it's deeply linked to depression, anxiety, addiction, aggression, uh, conflict in relationship, poor communication skills, um, shutting down emotionally or withdrawing, having difficulty trusting or being vulnerable.

Bill Simpson: 3:43

And studies from the Gottman Institute and the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology show that men who carry chronic shame, you know, shame all the time, they're less likely to express their needs, more likely to withdraw or shut down emotionally, they're more likely to become defensive, they're more prone to perfectionism and people pleasing, and they're more likely to choose relationships that reenact being shamed at an early age. And what happens is shame then becomes this lens we see ourselves through as well as our partners and our whole relationship through.

Bill Simpson: 4:26

So what can shame do to a relationship? Oh man, shame creates distance, it creates secrecy, and shame makes us hide our true selves, even from the people we love most. So I'm gonna break it down to three major impacts shame can have on relationships. And the first is that shame keeps you from being vulnerable. Shame tells you, well, if she really knew who I am, or if she really knew what I did, she'd leave. So what you do is you hide and you shut down and you keep your heart guarded, and intimacy can't grow because you're guarded.

Bill Simpson: 5:13

And another thing is that shame creates these negative cycles, you know, leading to behaviors that create more shame. You know, these avoidant coping mechanisms to distract you and numb you, like workaholism, um, maybe it's porn or drugs and alcohol and things like that. And when you do these activities or do these behaviors, it only adds to the shame. Because you feel a shame, so you numb and distract with these other shameful things, and then that adds to the shame and you see the cycle. And the thing is, your partner feels the disconnect, they react to it, and then when you experience that, the cycle gets even worse.

Bill Simpson: 6:00

And the third thing I'm gonna say is that shame destroys self-worth. Yeah, I mean, if deep down you believe that you're not enough, then all the good moments get filtered through that sense of doubt that you're not enough. You know, like does she really love me, or what if I screw this up? Or she deserves better than me, that kind of thing. And what happens with this mindset is that shame becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Bill Simpson: 6:33

I'm gonna illustrate this with a story about Cliff and Claire, not their real names, okay? Um Cliff grew up with a loving but very strict mother who was a devout Jehovah's Witness. And as a young boy, he would accompany her in the field of service, you know, where they go door-to-door preaching. He actually enjoyed it when he was little. It was time with mom, and it felt purposeful. But as he grew into his teenage years, he became less and less interested in the church. He still attended, but mostly because he knew there'd be girls there.

Bill Simpson: 7:14

So let's fast forward to where he did meet a girl from church. You know, they were young, they were exploring love, and she became pregnant, and she chose to have an abortion. And when the church elders found out about it, both she and Cliff were excommunicated, you know, thrown out of the church. And Cliff remembered the moment his mother found out, how humiliated she felt, how deeply she shamed him. And that shame, those words of shame, cut right to Cliff's core. And the pain of that shame in that moment was so great that Cliff left home. And he didn't speak to his mother for the longest.

Bill Simpson: 8:01

And this shame followed him into adulthood, into every relationship he was in. And he stayed because that shame felt familiar. And he fell into cycles of behaviors he was ashamed of. He was lying, he was hiding things to avoid conflict, he was numbing out with porn and alcohol when he felt unworthy, and he would pick fights or withdraw to protect himself from what he imagined could be rejection. Every behavior would deepen that shame loop, that cycle over and over again. Eventually, Cliff fell into a depression that was so heavy that he thought about ending his life. Now, he never made a plan, but the thought was there.

Bill Simpson: 9:06

And then one day he was listening to a podcast. A guy was telling a story that was eerily similar to his own story. And for the first time, Cliff felt validated. He felt seen and not alone. And in listening to the podcast, he heard how this guy had dealt with his shame, and something clicked inside him. And he thought, hmm, maybe I can heal too. And that was the beginning of Cliff's path to love. The love for himself first, and eventually love for someone else. It was only after he committed to his personal growth, you know, the therapy, his coaching, doing the spiritual work, assuming accountability and being vulnerable.

Bill Simpson: 9:56

That's when he met Claire. And the funny thing is, Claire also had her own story with shame and had done her healing work too. But here's the beautiful part. They didn't bond around that shame, that trauma. They bonded around their growth, their healing, their self-compassion, and spiritual growth. A connection my wife and I share as well. And it's a beautiful thing.

Bill Simpson: 10:28

Now I want to take a pause and make something very clear. I'm not here to bash religion, okay? Not Jehovah's Witnesses, not any faith tradition. Religion can be a beautiful thing, meaningful, grounding, and healing, but shame can arise from religious teachings. It can also arise from social expectations, family systems and values, cultural norms, gender roles, early childhood experiences, internal beliefs about their worthiness. Anywhere there is judgment and pressure to be perfect is where shame can grow. So to be clear, this conversation is about shame, not about any specific religion or group. Okay?

Bill Simpson: 11:22

So with shame being so prevalent and impactful in relationship, how do we heal from it? Well, healing shame isn't about getting rid of it. It's about learning how to respond to it with a sense of compassion instead of fear. So the first thing on your path to healing is to name the shame. Yeah, when you can say, I'm feeling shame right now, you start to take away its power. It only builds when you keep it in and stuff it. So name that shame first and foremost.

Bill Simpson: 12:01

And then practice self-compassion. I'm really big on this, and it's certainly what helped me heal. And research backs this up. It shows that self-compassion is one of the strongest antidotes to shame. So in practicing self-compassion, try asking yourself this. What would I say to a friend or someone I love who felt this way? Would I judge him and put him down? No. You would support him with compassion. Do that for yourself. That's self-compassion in a nutshell. So when you find yourself shaming yourself, stop and ask yourself, what would I say to someone I care about who feels this way? And say that to yourself. It's so important.

Bill Simpson: 12:54

Another thing you can do is to rewrite your shame story. Yeah. Shame is built on old narratives, old stories, childhood beliefs, things you were told. As an adult, you can challenge them now and ask yourself, is this really true or is this just familiar? Is this triggering something from my past or is it real? And challenge that. And you can shift your mindset around it, rewrite that shame story and say, you did the best you can, you had nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of thing. And love yourself. Going back to self-compassion. And by doing this, it's leading up to breaking the shame cycle. And when you do this, it's important to understand to start slow.

Bill Simpson: 13:48

Just identify maybe one or two behaviors you use to avoid shame. It could be porn, it could be doom scrolling on social media, it could be alcohol, whatever. Just pick one and maybe an easy one, okay? And then replace it with some healthy and grounding habits like journaling, something I do every morning. Um you could call a trusted friend or go out for a walk, do some self-reflecting, meditation, uh, read personal growth books or articles, or listen to a podcast like this, right? Yeah. Start to break the cycle slowly.

Bill Simpson: 14:28

And another thing is to let your true self be seen slowly. Do it little by little. And what I'm talking about is making yourself vulnerable. And make yourself vulnerable in small, manageable doses, not all at once. And certainly don't make yourself vulnerable with people who haven't earned it. You know, people who are shameful, people who are insensitive or not trustworthy. But make it a value to build relationships where it's safe to be vulnerable. Because healing happens when there's a connection. And healthy partners don't use wounds as weapons. They make it safe for you to be vulnerable.

Bill Simpson: 15:16

And listen, if you continue to struggle with shame and you're spiraling downward, then please get some support, man. Therapy, coaching, men's groups. Because shame fades when it's met with support and empathy. If I hadn't had the support, I wouldn't have healed from it. Support makes all the difference in the world. You don't have to do this alone. And know that I'm here to support you in any way that I can. So my quote this week is from author Brene' Brown. She says, "shame is the intensely painful feeling that you're unworthy of love and belonging. It's universal. And the less we talk about it, the more control it has over us." Yeah, man, and that's why I'm talking about it on the Men on the Path to Love podcast. It's so important. So keep talking about it.

Bill Simpson: 16:19

And if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, share the link to this podcast and share the love. And that's gonna bring this episode to a close. The When You Don't Feel Like You're Enough, the Impact of Shame on Relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you for listening.

Bill Simpson: 16:43

Now, with this being my season four finale, I'll be taking a brief hiatus during the holidays. And I'll return soon with season five with even more ways to support you on your path to life. And in the meantime, I'll be sharing the best of 2025 episodes. Because repetition is the key to real growth. And sometimes hearing something again is exactly what we need. Listen, I am sending you love, peace, and joy for this holiday season. Thank you so much for being here, supporting the podcast. Thank you for doing the work you're doing on yourself to show up, to grow, to be your best self, and thank you for taking the journey along this path. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.