From Reaction to Response: Emotional Self-Regulation for Men in Relationship

Ever wish you could hit pause before the blowup? In this first episode of season 5, I explore how men can shift from knee jerk reaction to a steady response using practical tools that strengthen self-leadership, deepen intimacy, and create emotional safety at home. 

I share my own journey from defensiveness to accountability, and unpack the real difference between reacting and responding, and show how values—not fleeting urges—can guide your choices when emotions run high. 

You’ll hear my client "Reggie's" powerful story that proves one regulated nervous system can reset an entire relationship dynamic. Check out the From Reaction to Response: Emotional Self-Regulation for Men in Relationship, episode.

Chapters

• 0:00 New Season And Core Theme
• 1:01 Why Inner Work Comes First
• 2:04 Bill’s Reactive Past And Insight
• 3:21 Reaction Versus Response Defined
• 5:10 ACT And Psychological Flexibility
• 6:27 Practicing The Pause And Values
• 7:29 Client Story: Reggie And Change
• 9:33 Nervous System, Defensiveness, Research
• 11:23 Quote, Reflection, And Next Steps
• 13:16 Teaser On The Masks Men Wear

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:16

Alright, welcome to a brand new season of the men of the love again. So from reaction to response, emotional self-regulation for men in relationship episodes. I'm Bill Simpson your host. I coach men who are done with suffering in their relationships. Men who want deeper love, real connection, and to finally feel like themselves again. I help men become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship for the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson: 0:56

So before I dive into this episode, I want to share something new. For season five, I've decided to take more of a thematic approach to the podcast. And the beginning of this season is all about foundations, you know, doing the inner work, self-reflecting, developing a sense of self-leadership, and building the emotional capacity that's required for healthy, long-lasting relationships. But here's the truth, man. You can't communicate well if you are flooded with emotions or if you shut down. You can't repair a relationship if you're reacting all the time and getting defensive. And you can't lead a relationship if you can't lead yourself first. Alright? So this season starts where real change begins, and that's on the inside. You know, it's the inner work, as they say.

Bill Simpson: 1:55

And that brings us to today's episode from reaction to response, emotional self-regulation for men in relationships. And I'll start by being honest and transparent about my own journey. Man, I used to be very reactive, especially in relationships. If I got caught out on something, or if a partner brought up a concern or told me I hurt her or asked me to look at my behavior, man, I would get defensive, I would push back, I would deny, uh, try to justify and explain and all that. And there was no ounce of humility in there. It was like all ego, man, no vulnerability, no empathy, just straight up reaction. And at the time, I thought I was standing up for myself, you know, and what I realized was that I was actually protecting myself from the discomfort, from the shame, and from the fear. Yeah, fear of losing my ego, you know, protecting my precious male ego. Well, everything began to change when I joined a therapy group. And that's where I first learned the difference between reacting and responding.

Bill Simpson: 3:17

So, what is the difference, you may be asking? Well, I'm gonna tell you. And listen carefully because it can be a real game changer for you. I like to think of reaction this way. Reaction is automatic, it's emotionally driven, deeply rooted in old conditioning and old patterns, and it's subconscious. We're not fully aware. When we react, our nervous system takes over because we're trying to protect ourselves, right? It's a survival technique. We're not trying to connect, we're trying to survive.

Bill Simpson: 3:59

Now, response, on the other hand, is conscious, it's intentional, it's grounded, and it's value-based, meaning it's based on what's important to you. So responding means there's a pause. And inside that pause, there's a choice we get to make. And that was the big realization for me. I had a choice, but I can't lie, man. The truth is I didn't always choose to respond. Why? Because much of my reacting was subconscious. The old patterns I had instilled over time. Just having insight alone wasn't enough.

Bill Simpson: 4:44

And what truly shifted things for me was learning about mindfulness and acceptance and commitment practices. And what I mean by that is instead of trying to get rid of my anger or that defensiveness or control my thoughts or suppress my feelings or emotions, I learned to accept what was coming up. My thoughts, my feelings, even my body sensations. I learned to notice urges, but not acting on them. And I also learned to commit to acting from my values, not my thoughts, feelings, or my body. And I've talked about this before in earlier seasons in this podcast. This approach that I'm talking about comes from what's called acceptance and commitment therapy. The acronym is ACT. It was developed by psychologist Stephen Hayes, who I've had the pleasure of meeting, actually. Uh he's amazing. And what I'm talking about here, and what Stephen talks about, is having psychological flexibility. It's the ability to adapt to certain situations, especially stressful situations.

Bill Simpson: 5:59

So let me break it down for you and show you how it looks in real life. The first thing is having that awareness. So say I'm angry, okay? The first thing is awareness. I'm noticing I'm angry, okay? Then I become aware that I want to react, you know, get defensive, yell, deny, what have you. Instead, I pause. And then I'm choosing to respond in a way that aligns with who I want to be, my best self, right? And what happened was I learned to train my brain to respond from my values, like I mentioned, you know, what's important to me instead of reacting from my feelings or thoughts in the moment, or even a bodily urge to have a tantrum or be physically aggressive. And man, when I got that concept of responding instead of reacting, that changed everything.

Bill Simpson: 7:02

But I gotta tell you, and here's the important truth for men, and and anybody really it's not easy, man. It takes practice, a lot of practice. And I gotta tell you, after all these years, I'm talking decades of practice, I still react sometimes. I got so much better at it, and yet it continues to be a work in progress. And this process is exactly what I teach my clients.

Bill Simpson: 7:34

A powerful example of this is Reggie. Not his real name. Reggie was a hothead, man, and his therapist at the clinic where I work referred him to me. The good news? Reggie knew he was reacting, and he wanted to change, especially in his relationship with Charlotte. Also, not her real name. Reggie loved Charlotte. He didn't want to lose her, but he felt like he couldn't help himself from reacting. Well, the first thing I did was to commend Reggie for his openness. Takes a lot of courage for men to own up to that, right? That first step really matters. And then I normalized his experience. I told him that I used to be reactive and that a lot of men are. And women too, for that matter. And in me normalizing his experience, he realized that he was not alone and that he wasn't broken.

Bill Simpson: 8:37

And when I introduced him to mindfulness and acceptance commitment practices, it was like a neon sign lit up in his brain. And he was like, I can do that. And frankly, I was moved by his passion, man. He was so excited to hear this. But I had to be honest with him. I told him, look, keep your passion and be patient with yourself. That it is a process and it takes time and commitment. A marathon, not a sprint, as they say. Well, in our sessions, we practiced developing his watcher. In other words, the observing part of him. The part of him that was aware that he wanted to act out or react. We practiced visualization and mindfulness meditation. And we also did role-playing around triggering conversations. Over time, Reggie got really good at it. And something unexpected happened. Charlotte noticed. And as Reggie became less reactive, she did too. You know, when one partner changes and the other one changes too.

Bill Simpson: 9:52

So here's the takeaway from Reggie's story. One regulated nervous system can change the entire dynamic of the relationship. Think about that. When a man learns to pause, observe, and respond from his values, again, from what's important to him, what matters to him, he creates emotional safety. He breaks his old patterns and he invites connection instead of conflict and chaos. And that's self-leadership.

Bill Simpson: 10:29

Now there's research behind all this, and in a nutshell, neuroscience says that when we're emotionally flooded, the brain's alarm system takes over and the thinking brain goes offline. A concept described by psychiatrist Dan Siegel. You know, basically our brain shuts down and we stop thinking. And that's why it's so important to pause and observe before you react and regret it. Saying something or doing something you might regret. That's what separates us as humans.

Bill Simpson: 11:04

Now, one very common form of reacting is defensiveness. I see it a lot. And I've gotten defensive way many more times than I'd like to admit. And man, when you get defensive, you can't rewind and delete it. Yeah, and it can be really hard for the other person or your partner to recover from it, especially if it happens repeatedly, because they don't feel seen or heard or safe in the relationship. Well, according to relationship research by that guy you hear me reference a lot, John Gottman, he says that defensiveness is one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown. What that tells us is self-regulation of that defensiveness isn't optional. It's a key fundamental piece of the foundation of a healthy long-term relationship.

Bill Simpson: 12:02

All right, it's time now for my quote of the week, and it comes from the co-founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Dr. Stephen Hayes, who I mentioned earlier. He sums it up perfectly when we're talking about this psychological flexibility around reacting versus responding. He says, "psychological flexibility is the ability to choose how you act, even when difficult thoughts and emotions are present." That's what it's all about.

Bill Simpson: 12:38

Now, if this episode resonated with you, I invite you to sit with this question to reflect on. Ask yourself, where in my relationships do I tend to react instead of respond? Give that some thought. Be honest with yourself. And if you're ready to learn how to build this skill in a deeper, more supported way, well, that's exactly the work I do with men. You don't have to figure this out alone. Just visit my website, men on the path to love.com, and you can check out the many resources and options I have there. Alright.

Bill Simpson: 13:20

And that's going to do it for this episode of season five, brand new season of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, the From Reaction to Response, Emotional Self-regulation for Men in Relationships episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you for listening.

Bill Simpson: 13:41

Now, coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, I continue with the theme of doing the inner work. So I have a question for you. Do you ever find yourself pretending to be someone you're not, or putting on a mask? Especially in relationships? I was certainly guilty of that in the past. I'll share how removing that mask, the one I wore to appear to be strong, unaffected, or in control. When I removed that mask, that's when my true growth and freedom in relationship began. Coming up next, I'll explore how being emotionally reactive, what I talked about in this episode, is often tied to the masks men wear to protect ourselves, to protect our ego. Please join me for The Mask We Wear: How M en Learn to Hide R elationships episode. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.