Self-Worth vs. Self-Sacrifice: Where Men Lose Themselves in Relationship

What if your biggest relationship problem isn’t effort, but you losing yourself? In this episode, I explain the difference between healthy self-worth and the kind of self-sacrifice that slowly takes away your identity, desire, and connection in relationship.

I share "Lee's" story,  a man who did everything for his partner and neglected himself. Once he was asked the question “What do you need?" it changed everything. If you feel like you're losing yourself in your relationship or know someone who is,  this episode is for you. Check out the Self-Worth vs. Self-Sacrifice: Where Men Lose Themselves in Relationship, episode.

Chapters

• 0:00 Setting The Stage: Love Vs. Self
• 0:45 Defining Self-Worth
• 2:07 Defining Self-Sacrifice
• 3:26 Real-Life Shift Toward Self
• 5:17 Lee’s Story: Pleasing To Clarity
• 7:21 Signs You’re Self-Sacrificing
• 9:12 Steps To Reclaim Yourself
• 10:31 Quote Of The Week
• 11:01 Resources, Next Topic, Closing

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:04

Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the self-worth versus self-sacrifice, where men lose themselves in relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection, and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson: 0:42

So, yeah, man, this is a big one. Because many men believe that giving more, trying harder, and sacrificing themselves is what love requires. But often what looks like love is actually the slow shrinking of your self-worth. Now, I'm going to start by distinguishing the difference between self-worth and self-sacrifice, because they are definitely not the same thing. Self-worth is your internal sense of value. This is separate from anyone's approval, from how you perform, or your relationship status.

Bill Simpson: 1:24

From a psychological standpoint, self-worth is tied to healthy self-esteem, secure attachment, and living in alignment with your values, like I've talked about with acceptance commitment therapy from Stephen Hayes. Now, a man who has a strong sense of self-worth knows that his needs matter. He can say no without feeling guilty. He expresses himself honestly, and he doesn't give up his sense of self in order to keep the peace.

Bill Simpson: 1:59

Now, self-sacrifice, on the other hand, is when a man constantly suppresses his needs, his feelings, and his values in order to keep the relationship. Research on codependency and people pleasing shows that excessive self-sacrifice is often driven by the fear of abandonment, which I can certainly relate to, the fear of conflict, and that conditional self-worth. You know, like I'm lovable only if I'm useful, that kind of thing. And a man stuck in self-sacrifice will avoid conflict at all costs. He tends to be over-emotional, feels responsible for his partner's happiness, and he loses clarity about who he is. And I can relate to that too. So I'll sum up the key difference between self-worth and self-sacrifice this way. Self-worth strengthens relationships. Self-sacrifice slowly destroys the man in the relationship.

Bill Simpson: 3:07

And I'll give you some examples. Self-worth looks like saying, you know, that doesn't work for me. Or actually asking for emotional or physical connection. And setting and holding boundaries even when it's uncomfortable. Getting out of your comfort zone to take care of yourself, to set and hold those boundaries. Now, some examples of self-sacrifice that could look like always saying yes when you mean no. It could be giving up your interests, you know, your hobbies or your friendships or values. And it could also look like measuring your worth by your partner's mood.

Bill Simpson: 3:53

Now, I can relate to the whole self-sacrifice, man. I mean, there was a time in my life when I lost myself in relationship. I allowed my identity to be defined by who I was to my partner rather than who I was as a man to myself. Um and and I became more focused on being accepted than being real or authentic. And I was more focused on avoiding an argument or conflict than honoring my truth. And it wasn't until a therapist helped me see what was happening that I woke up. And for the first time, I realized that my worth wasn't something I had to earn. I just had to be me and, you know, go for the best version of me. I also learned that my values mattered, and that I didn't have to lose my identity to be loved. And when I reclaimed my identity, my true self, man, there was no going back to who I was before. I became a more refined version of myself, my true self. I became more grounded, more honest. I was more emotionally available. Again, being my best self.

Bill Simpson: 5:17

This takes me to a story about a guy I was in a men's group with, and I'll call him Lee. Okay. Lee was in a relationship with a woman I'll call Kim. Lee tried everything to please Kim. Some examples he would say if Kim said he wasn't emotionally available enough that he stopped spending time with his friends and he focused entirely on her. If she said he wasn't doing enough around the house, he took over nearly all the responsibilities. If she said he needed to work on himself, he would apologize over and over and tried to change without ever asking Kim what he needed. And still, no matter what he did, it was never good enough.

Bill Simpson: 6:08

Well, over time, Lee became depressed and withdrawn. A fellow church member noticed the change in Lee and he gently approached him. Lee finally admitted that he felt like a failure in his relationship. His friend encouraged Lee to speak with the church pastor, someone who was experienced in couples counseling. And when Lee explained his story and everything he had been doing to please Kim, the pastor said something to Lee that changed everything. He said, I hear you saying everything Kim needs, but I haven't heard a single word about what you need. And that was the moment Lee realized what happened. He had completely sacrificed himself for the relationship.

Bill Simpson: 7:01

Well, with that awareness, Lee continued his counseling. His confidence grew, he began to set boundaries, and he started expressing his needs more clearly. And eventually the relationship ended. Kim didn't like the changes she saw in Lee, and she chose to leave. And I've seen this happen many times. You know, when one partner does the work and the other doesn't or stays the same, the relationship often ends or it becomes stagnant. So when Lee shared his story with our men's group, he said something that really struck me. It was very powerful. He said, I'm okay with the breakup. I know now who I am. And he promised himself and us that he wouldn't lose himself again in the next relationship. So here's the truth I take away from Lee's story. Losing a relationship hurts, right? Yet losing yourself hurts a lot more. And the way I see it, Lee didn't fail, he just woke up. He became aware. And that's where the healing begins.

Bill Simpson: 8:24

So if you're wondering whether this might be happening to you, if you're self-sacrificing, be honest with yourself here. And here are some signs for you to look for. You feel anxious about expressing your needs. You avoid conflict at all costs. You've abandoned your interest or what makes you feel alive, you know, your passions, your friendships, or your values. Your sense of worth depends on your partner's approval. Or maybe you feel resentful but you don't know why.

Bill Simpson: 9:01

Now listen, if you feel like any of this is you, it's okay, man. You're okay. And know that there is a way out. And here's a good place to start. Take some time to get clear about your values, what's important to you, what actually matters to you. Give yourself plenty of time to do this. And you can find resources online to do values clarification. Another thing is to give yourself grace and compassion for what you didn't know, and be grateful for what you are aware of now. And you can take some steps here, you know, by practicing expressing your needs without having to defend yourself or apologize. Um and set some small consistent boundaries. And I know this can be hard at first, but it gets easier the more you do it. And by all means, if you're struggling here, get support, whether through therapy, coaching, join a men's group, go to your place of worship, what have you, get some support. And remember this your needs are not the problem. Okay? Healthy relationships really demands two whole people, not one person losing himself.

Bill Simpson: 10:31

Alright, it's time now for my quote of the week, and it comes from author Alice Walker. She says, quote, the most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any. Yeah, and when a man believes he doesn't have power in a relationship, he gives it away. And that's where self-worth often turns into self-sacrifice.

Bill Simpson: 11:01

And that will do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, self-worth versus self-sacrifice, where men lose themselves in relationship episode. My name is Bill Simpson. I thank you for listening. And if you need support and want to go deeper in your own work, please visit my website, men on the path to love.com. That's where you'll find resources, coaching, and support for men who are ready to stop losing themselves and start showing up fully for themselves and for their relationship.

Bill Simpson: 11:39

Now, coming up on the next Men on the Path to Love podcast, I've got something for you to think about. If being a good provider was enough, why do so many men who work hard, show up financially, and do everything right still feel emotionally disconnected in their relationship? Well, in the next episode, I'm gonna talk about why just being the provider isn't enough anymore, what partners are really asking for today, and how men can stretch themselves beyond providing without losing their strength or identity. I hope you'll join me for more than a paycheck, why being the provider isn't enough anymore.

Bill Simpson: 12:24

And if this episode spoke to you or you know someone who needs to hear it, then please share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.