Choosing To Be Happy In Relationship

In this episode, you’ll hear a story about a guy named Garrett, who after complaining about his wife over and over again, decided one day to just be happy in his relationship. Find out if it worked, you just might be surprised. Check out the Choosing to Be Happy in Relationship, episode.

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Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, the Choosing to Be Happy in Relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are struggling in relationship and how to communicate effectively, build trust, and deepen intimacy so they can be the best version of themselves in relationship and live the life they love. There's a sentence in the Declaration of Independence that says, quote, We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. So years ago, I read a book by psychologist Russ Harris called The Happiness Trap that absolutely shifted my perspective about happiness. In the book, he basically talks about how the pursuit of happiness can often lead to dissatisfaction and distress. He came up with the idea of the happiness trap, where those who get caught up in striving for happiness through external rewards or achievements and positive experiences only to find themselves feeling unfulfilled, anxious, or even depressed. Harris makes the argument that true happiness is not about not having any negative emotions or challenges in life. It's the learning to accept and embrace these experiences as part of what it means to be human. And in his book, he offers mindfulness and acceptance tips as a part of the acceptance and commitment therapy or technique, which therapists and coaches use, including myself, to help our clients develop a more flexible and compassionate relationship with their thoughts and emotions and ultimately themselves and others. Now I bring up this book because it relates to a story about one of my clients, Garrett, not his real name. He found himself in a different kind of happiness trap. He had been married for several years to Gabby, not her real name, and Gary found himself constantly complaining about Gabby to his friends and family. And even to her, he would nitpick at every little thing she did, from how she handled money to the way she cooked and so on. Well, despite Gabby's patience and desire to please, Garrett couldn't seem to let go of his negative attitude. Then one day, Garrett read a quote about happiness being a choice, and that we can just choose to be happy in relationships. And for whatever reason, this idea really resonated with him, and he decided right then and there to make a conscious effort to choose happiness in his marriage rather than focusing on all the negative things about Gabby. Well, this is when he fell into the happiness trap. He really tried hard and was sincere, and yet it didn't work out the way he thought it would. He tried to change his negative thinking by focusing on other things like his work and hobbies and other interests. Yet no matter how much he tried to distract himself, he still felt dissatisfied with Gabby. He tried to hold back his complaints and put on a happy face, but on the inside he was feeling resentment towards Gabby. It was like he had to put on a front, and this only led to frustration and feeling disconnected. He even tried to talk about the issues he had with Gabby in a more constructive way, hoping that it would lead to greater happiness in their relationship. But this often turned into arguments, leaving both of them feeling hurt and misunderstood. Well, when Garrett realized that trying to choose happiness wasn't working for him, he decided to seek help at the clinic where I work. His therapist referred him to me for support. And I explained to Garrett that true happiness in relationship or life in general wasn't about choosing to be positive or happy, it was about living a vital, authentic life that's in alignment with what's important to him, what matters to him. In other words, his values. So with Garrett, I said, you know, it could it could sound like even though I feel judgmental towards Gabby, I love her and I know she's doing the best she can, and so am I. Well, when Garrett heard this, he got it. And with this new perspective, Garrett was committed to his personal growth, wanting to be his best self for himself and in the context of his relationship with Gabby. He learned to communicate more effectively, to be more empathetic and vulnerable, to set boundaries and more. Over time, Garrett's relationship with Gabby really began to transform. You know, with his commitment to his personal growth and being authentic, Garrett no longer felt the need to complain as much about Gabby or find some sort of external happiness. He escaped the happiness trap, and he found a deeper sense of fulfillment and contentment within himself, which showed up in his relationship with Gabby. They both grew through this as their relationship found a deeper sense of love, understanding, and satisfaction. So, do you find yourself stuck in the happiness trap? It's easy to chase all the things that make us happy. I mean, why wouldn't we, right? Yet if we're depending on something outside of ourselves to make us happy, we can be setting ourselves up for disappointment. And that includes relationships. You know, depending on someone else for your happiness can be a setup for failure or disappointment. And if you keep getting disappointed, then over time the relationship can fall apart. So it's looking within yourself, being okay with yourself, accepting that life has its ups and downs, accepting the feelings of the joy and pain of life, and responding to them in alignment with your values, and knowing that you will be okay no matter what happens. That's living a vital life, and that gives me a sense of overall peace and happiness. Here's a quote from the Happiness Trap author Russ Harris. He says, quote, the purpose of life is not to be happy, it is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well. Unquote. And you can apply that to your relationship as well. Some deep words to think about, right? And that's going to do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, the choosing to be happy in relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thanks for listening. Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, I have a bonus episode for you. You'll hear my conversation with financial coach Tyler Fleming about the importance of having a money talk in your relationship. Please join me for the Money Talk, a conversation with the financial coach episode. Now, if you have any feedback or suggestions for topics for the show, any issues in your relationship you need help with, or just want to connect, just visit my website, men on the path to love.com. You can email me from there or sign up for a free call. Just go to menonthepatholove.com. Oh, and I just added a free cheat sheet called Five Ways to Communicate Better in Relationship. And with communication being one of the biggest challenges couples face, it is worth taking the time to grab it. You can put it on your fridge or a place where you'll see it to remind you, take a picture of it, whatever. Just go to men on the path to love.com and get your free cheat sheet today. And if you know someone you think might get something out of listening to this podcast, please share the link and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.