The Mask We Wear: How Men Learn to Hide in Relationships

You can feel it the moment it happens—your chest tightens, your voice goes flat, and the urge to fix or deflect takes over. That move worked for years. It kept you safe, respected, maybe even admired. But with the person you love, not so much. It builds walls instead of bridges.

In this episode, I talk about the real story behind the “mask” many men wear in relationships: the learned habit of hiding feelings, needs, and vulnerability to appear strong or in control. I share my own experience as well as "Sean's" story, whose partner "Cherie" felt unseen and gave him an ultimatum to get help or the relationship was over. 

I share some practical tools to help peel back the layers of the mask we wear in relationships. If you’ve ever said “I’m fine” when you know damn well you're not, this episode is for you. Check out The Mask We Wear: How Men Learn to Hide in Relationships, episode.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Core Theme
• 0:47 What Wearing A Mask Means
• 1:49 Social Conditioning And Emotional Suppression
• 3:04 How Masks Show Up In Conflict
• 3:36 The Cost Of Masks In Intimacy
• 4:05 Bill’s Story And Turning Point
• 5:19 Sean And Cherie: The Ultimatum
• 7:20 Naming The Mask And The Fear
• 9:07 Tools To Peel Back The Layers
• 10:48 Results, Research, And Reframes
• 12:26 Questions For Self-Reflection
• 13:31 Quote Of The Week: Hamlet
• 14:17 Reassurance And Coaching CTA
• 15:06 Teaser: Self-Worth Vs Self-Sacrifice
• 15:51 Share The Show And Close

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:11

Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast. The Mask We Wear. How Men Learn to Hide in Relationships episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships. Men who want deeper love, real connection, and to finally feel like themselves again. I help men become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson: 0:47

So what do I mean by wearing a mask in a relationship? Well, wearing a mask in a relationship means that you're hiding your true thoughts, your feelings, your needs, or your vulnerabilities in order to appear strong or in control or being accepted. And it's usually out of the fear that if you were to be your true full self, it would lead to rejection, conflict, or the loss of the love you have.

Bill Simpson: 1:20

And here's the hard truth, man. Most men don't choose to wear masks in relationship. They learn to. Yeah, from an early age, many boys get that clear message, and sometimes it's subtle and sometimes it's blunt. But you're not allowed to cry, you know, don't be weak, don't be needy, handle it yourself. You don't need anybody's help and stay in control. And research backs this up. Studies on male gender role socialization show that men are often conditioned to suppress vulnerability and emotional expression in order to maintain a sense of masculinity. It's what it means to be a man.

Bill Simpson: 2:07

Psychologist Ronald Levant actually came up with the term and he called it normative male elixothymia. Say that three times fast. Well, it it's it this normative male elixothymia is the learned difficulty men have in identifying and expressing emotions. It's a thing, y'all. So instead of showing fear, sadness, shame, or uncertainty, men learn to wear masks, such as you know, the strong one, the stoic one, the fixer, you know, the one who's not effective, the one who's in control.

Bill Simpson: 2:47

Now, these masks often help men to survive early in life. You know, it gets us through it. But what happens later in life, these masks cost us when it comes to intimate relationships. And here's how we do it. This is what wearing a mask often looks like in relationship. It's getting too much in our heads, intellectualizing everything instead of just feeling, um having to solve the problem instead of having empathy, shutting down or withdrawing during a conflict, getting defensive when a partner is hurting, minimizing emotions, yours or hers. And the classic saying, I'm fine when you're anything but.

Bill Simpson: 3:36

Research from Dr. John Gottman shows that emotional unavailability and defensiveness are two of the strongest predictors of relationship dissatisfaction and eventual the breakdown of the relationship. And here's the paradox that's so painful. What once protected you, you know, survival, now prevents intimacy. Think about that. Now I want to be transparent here. I was absolutely guilty of wearing a mask in my past relationships. You know, the mask I wore that said I was strong in control, you know, and not because I was trying to deceive anyone or be manipulative, it was simply how I had been conditioned, what I believed it meant to be a man. And let me tell you, that mindset didn't work out so well for me. Three divorces later, right?

Bill Simpson: 4:36

And honestly, I can't remember where I first heard the concept of wearing a mask, but I do remember the moment I realized I was wearing one and how much it was hurting my relationship. And once I became aware of it, I made a decision to take the mask off. And it took some time, I'm not gonna lie to you. That's when my true growth and freedom in relationship began just to be me, warts and all, with a willingness to grow, right? And today I feel more free than ever in my relationship with my wife. We've been together for 17 years and we're still going strong. Not because we're perfect, but because we're real, and she loves me in spite of it. Go figure.

Bill Simpson: 5:31

Now I'm gonna share a story about a client, I'll call him Sean, not his real name. When Sean came to me, he was really hurting. His partner, Cherie, also not her real name. Cherie had given him an ultimatum. She said, get some help, or the relationship was over. Not always the best approach, but it happens. And Sean told me that he loved Cherie a lot and he wanted to do better. He told me that what she needed from him was to really see her. And he said, you know, Bill, I try, but it never works. She just gets frustrated and starts crying. The first thing I told Sean was that it wasn't his fault. And he looked at me like I had three heads. He was like, of course it's my fault. And I told him that he wasn't alone, that many men struggle with empathy and vulnerability because of how they've been raised and conditioned. And I'm one of those men.

Bill Simpson: 6:38

And I also commended him for having the courage to seek help. And he said that he had to or he was going to lose her. So I asked him, Sean, are you ready to make some changes and grow? He said, sure, but I could feel it. His walls were up. He was holding back. I told him I appreciated that he was seeing me because of Cherie's ultimatum, but I asked him a deeper question. I asked him if he was willing to do this for himself. And he was honest with me. He said, Bill, if it wasn't for Cherie, I wouldn't be here. Fair enough. At least he had a reason, right? So I introduced Sean to the concept of empathy and vulnerability. We did some role-playing and he actually caught on pretty quickly. And I reminded him to take baby steps because, like I say all the time, insight alone doesn't create change. It takes time, it's a process.

Bill Simpson: 7:46

Well, at our next session, I asked him how it went. And he said that he couldn't do it. He said it just goes against who he is as a man. So I reminded him that he had done it with me during our roleplay. He said something to me that was really important. He says, I can do it with you, but not with Cherie. And that's when I seized the moment. And I told him, Sounds like you're wearing a mask around Cherie. At first he didn't get it. But as I explained that his beliefs about masculinity and what it means to be a man were acting like a mask, you know, keeping him from showing up as his true, authentic, higher self. And after hearing that, he got quiet. And he said, Bill, "that scares the shit out of me." And and I smiled and I pointed out to him that he did it right there. That was vulnerability. No mask, just the truth. And he smiled back. That's when I asked him if he was ready to go all in. And he said yes. So we got to work.

Bill Simpson: 9:07

Sean and I worked on slowly peeling away the layers of the mask he was wearing, you know, using mindfulness to notice what he was feeling without judgment, using self-compassion to kind of soften and quiet that inner critic. We talked about acting like the man he wanted to be by aligning with his values, what mattered to him. I gave him language to be able to communicate his feelings and his needs. And we worked on creating safety and building trust in the relationship by being vulnerable. And that it was not only safe for him to be vulnerable, it was necessary.

Bill Simpson: 9:52

Well, over time, Sean made real strides, and Cherie noticed, and she acknowledged his efforts. And, you know, their relationship wasn't perfect, because no relationship is, but they were both willing to keep growing, and that changed everything. So here's the takeaway from Sean's story. About the whole mask thing. It's that the mask didn't make Sean strong, it kept him disconnected, which weakened the relationship. And man, his courage to take that mask off and and peel away the layers created the emotional safety their relationship needed in order to grow.

Bill Simpson: 10:40

So hopefully you're starting to see how important it is to remove our masks in relationship and why it matters. Again, research consistently shows that being real and having emotional authenticity is absolutely essential for building trust, creating emotional safety, having true intimacy, and maintaining long-term relationship satisfaction. Now, contrary to what a lot of men believe, and I'll say this over and over, vulnerability is not weakness. It's where real connection begins. And if you think about it, have you ever been around someone you know who is wearing a mask and saying a bunch of bullshit, you know it's not real? It's like they're empty and you can see right through them, and you don't feel a real connection, right? Now think about someone who's being authentic and vulnerable. You feel them. First thing that comes to my mind is this seeing this big 300-pound defensive lineman crying because his team lost the game. You know, and and the thing is I can feel his pain because it's real. That's how we connect around those feelings, that vulnerability. And look, to be clear, it doesn't mean you have to cry and fall apart, you know, when your team loses to be vulnerable. I mean, it's just being real instead of trying to be something you're not. If you feel a certain thing and try to hide it and stuff it, no, that's the mask. It's about removing that mask to be vulnerable. And I know from experience when men remove the mask, they don't lose respect, they gain strength, they gain depth, they gain real intimacy, and that's what it's all about.

Bill Simpson: 12:43

So I have a question for you I want you to sit with. Ask yourself, what mask do I wear in my relationship? And what am I afraid would happen if I took it off? Be honest with yourself here without judging yourself, right? Just be curious and see what comes up for you. And remember, change starts with awareness and that's where we begin. And if all this stuff seems too overwhelming to even think about doing, that's okay. I get it. But remember, baby steps, it's a process and it takes time, peeling the layers of that mask one layer at a time.

Bill Simpson: 13:30

It's time now for my quote of the week. And in searching for my quote this week, I found a line from Shakespeare's Hamlet where he says to Ophelia, " God has given you one face and you make yourself another." And I love that because so many of us learn to change our faces or you know, put on that mask, not because we're dishonest, but because we're trying to protect ourselves. Yet here's the thing real connection begins when we no longer feel we have to hide.

Bill Simpson: 14:08

Have the courage to peel off that mask one layer at a time, man, and set yourself free. Now, if this episode hit home with you, just know that you're not broken and you're not alone. Taking off the mask isn't about becoming someone else. It's about becoming more authentically you. And if you're ready to explore that journey, please visit my website, men on the pathtop.com, to learn more about my coaching and resources for men who want real change for themselves and for their relationships.

Bill Simpson: 14:50

And that will do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast. The Mask We Wear: How L earn to Hide in R relationships, episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you so much for listening. Now, coming up next on the Men on the Path to Love podcast, I continue the theme of doing the inner work. Got a question for you. Have you ever told yourself, ah, I'll just let it go? Or it's not worth the fight, or I'll deal with it later. Only to slowly feel like you're disappearing in your relationship? Well, in the next episode, I'll explore the fine line between being a loving, committed partner and giving up parts of yourself in the name of peace, approval, or keeping the relationship intact. Please join me for the self-worth versus self-sacrifice, where men lose themselves in relationship episode. And if you like what you're hearing on this podcast and know someone you think needs to hear it, then please share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.