Independent or Emotionally Distant? What Men Need to Understand

Have you (or someone you know) ever thought about how being independent shows strength because you didn't need anyone? And yet wondered why relationships didn't work out? In this episode, I explore the thin line between healthy self-reliance and quiet emotional distance, and then show how small, shifts can turn “I don't need anybody” into real intimacy without losing yourself. 

I share "Ted’s" journey—from escaping an abusive home as a teenager to excelling in the military and tech—and how being "independent" kept him from finding true intimacy and commitment in relationship. Learn how a shift in mindset changed everything, you don’t have to need someone to choose them. Check out the Independent or Emotionally Distant? What Men Need to Understand, episode. 

Transcript

Welcome And Series Context

Bill Simpson 0:10

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast. Independent or emotionally distant, what men need to understand episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection, and to finally feel like themselves again. I help men become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Independence Versus Avoidance

Attachment Theory: Dismissive Avoidant

Ted’s Backstory And Identity

Hitting A Wall With Intimacy

Reframing Independence As Choice

Building Emotional Openness And EQ

Small Steps Toward Vulnerability

Conversation With Kate And Outcome

Independence As Defense Mechanism

Choosing Over Needing

Self-Inquiry For Men

Coaching Invitation And Website

Both-And Masculinity

Quote Of The Week

Series Recap And Next Topic

Father Wound Teaser And Closing CTA

Bill Simpson 0:48

So I want to say that this episode wraps up our series on doing the inner work, you know, the emotional self-regulation, self-leadership, and all that. And the last episode being strength or checking out, the hidden cost of emotional avoidance in relationships, where I talked about emotional avoidance, you know, how it looks calm and controlled on the outside, even strong from the outside. But underneath it's often checking out or shutting down and basically disconnecting. Right? Well, this episode is different because not every emotionally distant man looks avoidant. Some look independent. And I gotta tell you, independence is a powerful characteristic to have. You know, it can mean being self-reliant, have personal responsibility, a strong identity, and be emotionally resilient. But here's the question when does being independent turn into being emotionally distant? I go back to the research I talk about a lot with attachment theory. Some people develop what's called dismissive avoidant attachment. These are people who often pride themselves on not needing anyone. You know, they value having autonomy over feeling close. Uh they downplay emotional needs, and they shut down when intimacy gets deeper or increases. And it doesn't look like drama. It looks like, no, I'm good, I got this, I don't need anyone, I handle my own. And frankly, sometimes that mindset was necessary, it was survival. Now, I've shared before that I've been emotionally avoidant at times in my life, but I wouldn't say that I ever saw myself as independent in the way I'm referring to it. What I see more often in my practice is men who identify with being independent as a part of their core identity. Men like Ted. Yeah, Ted, not his real name, left home when he was fifteen. His father was abusive physically and emotionally to both him and his mother. His mother wouldn't leave. She never left. And Ted couldn't take it anymore, so he left. And he ended up bouncing around for years, sleeping on friends' couches, staying with girlfriends. He was even homeless at times, until he enlisted in the army. And the military man just changed his life. He found discipline, structure, and purpose. And he also discovered that he had a gift for computer programming. And when he got out of the service, he eventually started his own computer security company. And from the outside, Ted looked very successful, very competent, very independent. And when it came to relationships, he would say, I don't need anybody, or I'm with a woman long enough to get what I need. When it gets serious, I'm out. And that was his pattern for years, until he met Kate. And for the first time in his life, he was the one who wanted to get serious. And that's when the problem showed up. He couldn't talk about it. Every time he tried to express how he felt, he'd shut down. He couldn't do it. But because the part of him who saw himself as this independent man wouldn't let him say, I love you. I want you. Well, here was the turning point. I asked Ted, what if you didn't need Kate, but you just wanted to be with her? Not because she completed you, not because you depended on her, but because you chose her. What if you could be independent and be serious with Kate? And that stopped him, man. Because he had never had anyone show him that being independent was different from saying you don't need anyone. I explained to Ted something I work on with every client, with every man. We start with the relationship with himself. We get clear about who you are, what your values are, and what kind of man you want to be. You see, independence means having clarity of all that. It doesn't mean emotionally shutting down or isolating. And the truth was, Ted had already pretty much mastered independence. We just needed to work on him being more emotionally open. So we worked on building his emotional intelligence, you know, his EQ, you know, identifying his feelings, more than just, oh, I'm good, you know, I'm fine. We worked on him being aware of his nervous system and what it was telling him, you know, recognizing when he started was recognizing when he was starting to shut down. We worked on values clarification, getting clear about what was important to him, what mattered to him, and using the principles from acceptance and commitment therapy. We gradually introduced being vulnerable, because that's tough for a lot of guys, especially in Ted's case. And we did this by practicing small exposure to being vulnerable, starting with the small stuff instead of like all or nothing emotional dumps, you know. Um we took baby steps there. And we reframed what strength means, him seeing expressing his feelings as strength, not weakness. Well, after doing some good work, Ted eventually had the courage to talk to Kate. And he told her, look, it's hard for me to be emotionally vulnerable. I'm not used to needing anyone, but I care about you, and I'm committed to working on this. And that was it. No huge speech, just honesty. And with that, Kate was all in. And to this day, their relationship continues to grow, and it's not because Ted gave up being independent, but because he added being emotionally available to his independence. So Ted's story illustrates that independence becomes emotional distance when it keeps you from truly connecting. And the truth is, strength is not about not needing anyone, it's choosing someone while still standing strong in who you are. I'm gonna throw in my go-to research here from the Gottman Institute. It says that emotional attunement and responsiveness are among the strongest predictors of long-term relationship success. Not to dominate or be in control, not to be self-sufficient, but being responsive. Now, I I want to go back to what I was saying at the beginning of the podcast. You know, the difference from last episode where I was talking about emotional avoidance, you know, checking out, withdrawing, shutting down. Well, this episode is about something more subtle. It's using independence as a way to protect ourselves, as a defense mechanism. Avoidance says I don't feel, I don't talk about my feelings. And using being independent as a defense says I don't need. I don't need you or anyone. Right? But healthy masculinity and independence says, I choose. I choose to be with you. Okay? So if you are in a mindset where you feel like you don't need anyone, I want you to ask yourself, and and and be honest here, is what I'm feeling is that confidence, or am I trying to protect myself? Also ask, do I avoid expressing what I truly want and desire because it feels too vulnerable? And would choosing someone actually threaten my identity, or would it deepen it, add to it? So look, you don't have to stop being independent. No. You just may need to think again about what independence means. You know, you can be self-led, you know, you can be self-aware and have self-respect and be emotionally available. It's not a either or, it's a both and. And listen, if you need help with being independent and emotionally available, just reach out at men on the path to love.com. That's men on the path to love.com. I'm here to help. All right, here I go with this week's quote of the week by psychiatrist and one of the pioneers of family therapy, Murray Bowen. Murray says, Quote, True masculinity and independence is not about needing no one. It's about choosing someone without losing yourself. I love it. And that will wrap up this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Independent or Emotionally Distant, What Men Need to Understand episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you for listening. Now, this episode also wraps up my series on doing the inner work. No, past few weeks have talked about reaction versus response, human and emotional regulation, self-work versus self-sacrifice. My being the provider also needs some emotional availability. I talked about breaking the cycles of past relationships, checking out versus strength, and then this episode independence versus distance. So to reinforce and to really get what I've covered, I recommend going back and listening to those episodes again. Because the more we hear it, the more it sticks in, and the more we're apt to change. Alright. Now, coming up next, I'm gonna move into something deeper here. I'll be talking more about attachment, trauma, and healing. And I'll be starting with a topic I've covered before, but it bears repeating. The father wound. So I'm gonna leave you with this question. How did your relationship with your father shape how you showed up in relationships today? Think about it. And please join me next time for the father wound, how it shaped men in relationships episode. And hey, if this episode touched you in any way and you know someone who needs to hear it, then please pay it forward. Share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.