Why Personal Growth Sometimes Feels Like You’re Going Backwards

Personal growth can mess with your head. You start therapy or coaching, read the books, join the men’s group, and suddenly it feels like everything is getting worse. That can spark the scary thought: was I better off before I did this personal growth stuff?

In this episode, I let you in on the real reason this happens using a practical blend of psychology and neuroscience. I also share "Dimitri's" story, about how he hit the wall, felt defeated, and learned that the “two steps back” feeling is often the exact moment the real change begins.

You'll get tools you can use right away will keep you going on your path to personal growth for yourself and your relationships. Check out the Why Personal Growth Sometimes Feels Like You’re Going Backwards, episode.

Transcript

Welcome And The Backwards Feeling

Bill Simpson 0:08

Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Panth to Love Podcast. My personal growth sometimes feels like you're going backwards. Episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection, and to finally feel like themselves again. I help men become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson 0:44

Have you ever started doing some inner work, you know, personal growth, whether through therapy, coaching, maybe a men's group, maybe you just read some self-help books, and you get all inspired and suddenly it felt like things were getting worse instead of better. You know, you became more aware of how you react in certain situations, more aware of your triggers and more aware of your patterns, and instead of feeling stronger, you started to question yourself. You might have thought, you know, was I actually better off before I started all this stuff?

Awareness Creates Responsibility

Bill Simpson 1:20

Well, if you've ever felt that way, man, you're not alone. And in this episode, I'm going to talk about why personal growth sometimes feels like you're going backwards even when you're actually moving forward. And I can totally relate to this. I I remember in my own personal growth journey something that really surprised me. And I remember having this epiphany, and there's a part of me that thought, you know what? I kind of liked it better when I didn't know all this stuff. You know, before I understood attachment patterns, and before I understood trauma responses, and before I understood how I was showing up in relationships. But the thing is, once I became aware, I couldn't become unaware, right? And that meant I had to do something. Yeah, that awareness meant responsibility, you know, I had to take action. And sometimes taking action from that awareness is the hardest part of growth.

Why The Brain Resists Change

Bill Simpson 2:24

And what I learned later on in doing the work that I do is that a lot of men start their journey of personal growth expecting, you know, smooth sailing, you know, like a a straight line to success. You know, you learn something, you apply it, your life gets better, boom, and that's it. But that's not how it usually works. No. Personal growth often feels complicated and messy. You know, you make progress, then you fall into an old pattern. You handle one situation well, and then you react in a way that surprises you. And when this happens, men can get discouraged and think, well, maybe I'm not cut out for all this stuff. And that's why a lot of men stop because it gets hard and they don't want to do this. Men and women, frankly. But the thing is, what they're experiencing isn't failure. It's actually a part of the process of rewiring the brain and nervous system.

Bill Simpson 3:24

Psychology and neuroscience gives us a clear explanation for why growth can feel like you're going backwards. You see, our brains are wired for what's familiar and efficient, not necessarily for growth. You know, the brain develops neuropathways based on repeated experiences. And these pathways become the brain's default settings. Neuroscientists call this neuroplasticity. It's the brain's ability to change through experience.

Dimitri Hits The Wall

Bill Simpson 3:55

But here's the catch. Old pathways don't go away overnight. Those old patterns, you know. Research shows that when people try to change habits, their emotional responses, or even their behaviors in relationship, the brain often goes back to the familiar patterns, especially under stress. So, in other words, your brain doesn't necessarily choose what's best for you or what's the healthiest for you. It chooses what it knows. And when you try to change what it knows, you know, change those patterns, your nervous system can push back and fight you hard. I see this a lot in the work that I do with men. I saw it play out with a client of mine who I'll call Dimitri, not his real name. Dimitri showed up consistently to our sessions every week. At first, he was really excited about doing the work. You know, he was learning about attachment patterns, understanding how his childhood experiences shaped his relationships. He was understanding the concepts intellectually, but after a while he noticed something starting to shift, and it was not like he thought it was going to be. He started falling behind on the work we were doing, you know, the self-reflection and self-compassion, the journaling, his practicing new ways of communicating, the meditation, the mindfulness practices, all the things that actually turn awareness into change.

Tools That Turn Awareness Into Change

Bill Simpson 5:33

And I remember one day during a session, I could tell something was off with Dimitri. When I asked him how things were going, he paused for a bit. And he said something very real. He was like, Bill, I don't know if I'm cut out for all this personal growth stuff. And when I asked him to tell me more, he said something that I've heard many men over the years say. He said, for every step forward, it feels like I'm taking two steps back. He would feel good about something new he tried, only to fall back to an old pattern. He felt discouraged and frankly defeated. So I explained something important to Dimitri, that what he was experiencing was completely normal. Like I said, it's what the brain and nervous system do. They want what's familiar. They want the patterns that we've been practicing a thousand times, even if those patterns aren't healthy, even if those patterns hurt ourselves or our relationships. And the brain's like, look, this is what we know, so we're gonna stick with it. So when we try to change those patterns, the system pushes back. And sometimes it pushes back hard, like I said. And Dimitri asked me a very honest question. He's like, so what do I do about it? So I shared a few things with him that I want to share with you as well.

Bill Simpson 6:58

The first was to accept that resistance and pushback is part of the process. When your brain resists change, it doesn't mean you're failing. It means you're stretching beyond what's familiar. And growth almost always feels uncomfortable at first. So it's getting comfortable with getting out of your comfort zone, if that makes sense. Another thing I talked about was practicing self-compassion. A lot of men respond to setbacks, you know, being really hard on themselves, you know, a lot of harsh self-criticism. But research that I've referenced here on this podcast from psychologist Krista Neff, and whose work I experienced firsthand, her research shows that self-compassion actually improves motivation and resilience, and that growth requires patience and kindness towards yourself.

Bill Simpson 7:57

Another thing you hear me talk about a lot is act according to your values. And this is where acceptance and commitment therapy or technique, it's called act for short. ACT teaches us to act according to our values, not according to our old patterns or our old conditioning. Even when it feels uncomfortable, or I should say, especially when it feels uncomfortable. And even when those old patterns feel easier, you get to choose the action that aligns with the man you want to become. Not who you were, not those old patterns, not those old programs, conditionings, paradigms, whatever, but the man you want to become.

Bill Simpson 8:42

Another thing is to focus on taking small steps towards your progress. You know, instead of expecting a hundred percent change immediately, just focus on one percent progress each day. You know, think of personal growth like climbing a mountain. You don't reach the summit in one leap, right? No, you take one step, then another, and then another. And over time, those small steps become real transformation.

What Progress Really Looks Like

Bill Simpson 9:14

So after hearing this, Dimitri understood what was happening in his brain and nervous system. And something inside him changed. And I could actually see it physically too. You know, his shoulders were relaxed, I could see the tension in his face soften, and it was like this pressure lifted from him. He got it. And once he gave himself permission to move through this personal growth process with patience and compassion, his growth accelerated. Our sessions became smoother, his confidence grew, and the patterns and conditioning that once felt automatic began to loosen their grip on him. And that's how the process works. Now the takeaway from Dimitri's story is that growth doesn't mean you stop falling into old patterns or conditioning, it means you recognize them faster, recover faster, and choose differently more often. That's progress. And listen, if you're on a personal growth journey right now and it feels frustrating, keep going, man. If it feels slow, keep going. And if it feels like you're moving backwards at times, you may actually be moving forward in ways you can't see yet. Because having that awareness is the first step. Every time you choose a more healthy response, you are literally rewiring your brain. So that's not failure, man, that's transformation.

Coaching Invite Quote And Next Series

Bill Simpson 10:51

And look, if you're a man who wants support in doing this deeper work, you know, understanding your patterns, healing from those attachment wounds, and building healthier relationships, I'm here to help you. Just visit Man on the Path to Love dot com to learn more about coaching and other resources that can support you on your path. All right. All right, now my quote of the week comes from American author, speaker, and pastor John C. Maxwell. He says, "Small disciplines repeated with consistency lead to great achievements." And that's exactly what personal growth looks like. Not one big breakthrough that changes everything overnight. No. Small disciplines, you know, showing up, self-reflection, trying again, and even when it feels like you're going backwards or starting over.

Bill Simpson 11:52

And that will take care of business with this episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, my personal growth sometimes feels like you're going backwards episode. My name is Bill Simpson. Thank you so much for listening. You could have been doing a hundred other things and you decided to listen, and I do appreciate it.

Bill Simpson 12:12

Now, coming up next on the Men on the Path to Love podcast, as I wrap up this series on doing the inner work, you know, attachment, trauma, and healing, I'm gonna talk about where these issues often show up most clearly, and that's in the aftermath of a breakup or divorce. I'll be doing a mini-series, if you will, on rebuilding after breakup or divorce. And if you've been through a breakup or divorce, here's a question for you. What if your breakup or divorce wasn't just an ending, but a mirror showing the relationship patterns you've never truly seen? Think about it.

Bill Simpson 12:52

And please join me for the "Why Breakups or Divorce Show Us Our Deepest Relationship P atterns" episode. And if you know someone who's gone through a breakup or divorce and could really benefit from listening to this podcast, then please share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.