Why Breakups or Divorce Show Us Our Deepest Relationship Patterns

I'm starting a "mini-series" on this podcast about rebuilding after breakup or divorce. A breakup or divorce can feel like the end of your story, but it can also be the first moment you see what’s been running the script all along. In this episode, I talk about why breakups and divorce often expose the patterns we can’t see while we’re in the relationship dynamic, and how once you're out of that dynamic, clarity can become the turning point for real healing.

I share my own experience rebuilding after multiple divorces and the relationship pattern I didn’t recognize for years. You’ll also hear "Daryl's" story, who assumed his partners were the problem until he recognized how his patterns had shaped his relationships. I'll walk you through a three-step process to help your identify the patterns you may be repeating and not even know it. Check out the Why Breakups or Divorce Show Us Our Deepest Relationship Patterns, episode.

Transcript

Bill Simpson 0:12

Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love Podcast. But why breakups or divorce? Show us our deepest relationship patterns episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are rebuilding their lives after breakup or divorce, helping them understand their relationship patterns, grow into the best version of themselves, and create deeper love and real connection, showing up differently for the next chapter of their lives so they can live the life they love.

Bill’s Pattern And Abandonment Story

Why Breakups Expose Relational Schemas

Daryl’s Golden Child Wake Up Call

Bill Simpson 0:45

So this episode is the beginning of a new mini-series, if you want to call it, on the podcast about rebuilding after breakup or divorce. And in this series, I'll be talking about why relationships end, the patterns that often lead us there, how to heal and grow from the experiences, and how to build something healthier the next time in the next chapter. And I know a thing or two about rebuilding because I've been through three divorces, man. And there were times when I honestly wondered if I would ever get it right. But today, my wife and I have been together for 17 years and our relationship continues to grow stronger every day. So what made the difference, you may ask? Well, for one, understanding my relationship patterns. And man, for a long time I didn't realize I had a pattern, but looking back, it became obvious. My pattern was overlapping relationships. I would move from one relationship to the next without ever really being alone. Why? Because I was afraid of abandonment. And that fear had deep roots, and going back to when I was eight years old, that's when my mother left and gave custody to my father. Five years later she passed away, and I never saw her during that time. And what I eventually realized through doing the inner work was this. That unresolved abandonment wound was quietly shaping my adult relationships. Without realizing it, I was trying to make sure I was never left alone again. And once I became aware of that pattern, everything started to shift. Because man, awareness changes everything. You see, breakups often reveal these patterns because they force us to step outside the relationship dynamic. Because when we're in a relationship, it's really easy to focus on what the other person is doing wrong, right? But when the relationship ends, the question becomes harder to avoid. It's asking yourself, what was my role in that relationship dynamic? Psychologists refer to these recurring dynamics as relationship schemas or relational patterns. And in research around attachment theory, which I talk about a lot and it bears repeating, attachment theory shows that our early experiences with our caregivers shape how we love, how we handle conflict, how we trust, and how we deal with emotional closeness later on in life. And the guy who developed attachment theory, John Bowby, explains that we form internal models of how relationships work very early in our lives. And these internal models can end up guiding our behavior for decades. That's until we become aware of them. Take Daryl, for example, not his real name. When he first came to coaching, he was convinced his problem was simple. You know, he just kept choosing bad partners. He would say things like, Oh, she was controlling, or she was needy, or she was always complaining. And when I asked about his role in the dynamic, he would say something like, I was a good partner. I just keep picking the wrong women.

Bill Simpson 4:22

Well, next we started exploring his background. You know, what was his family like growing up? And at first he said it was mostly good. And then he laughed and said something interesting. He said, I was definitely a mama's boy. He remembered his father getting frustrated with his mother, saying things like, The boy gets away with too much. And when Daryl was a teenager, his parents got divorced and he went to live with his mother. I asked him if his mother ever gave him consequences or set boundaries. And he looked at me all confused and was like, Consequences? For what?

Bill Simpson 5:03

And then I asked him another question. I asked him, What kind of feedback have you heard from your partners in relationship? And he thought about it for a moment, and he he laughed, and he said, They say I act like my shit doesn't stink. And I smiled, and then I got serious with him, and I asked him, What if growing up as the golden child, you know, never being challenged, never being held accountable, how did that shape how you show up in relationships? If someone grows up believing they can do no wrong, it can lead to a pattern where feedback feels like criticism, or accountability feels unfair, or having their partners feel unseen or dismissed. Well, that was a hard moment for Daryl. He had this deer in the headlights look, right? But to his credit, he paused and he actually reflected and he said something that I thought took a lot of courage. And he said, Yeah, that could be it. And that was it. That was the beginning of real change for Daryl. Now, Daryl's story illustrates something very important. Sometimes our relationship patterns are not about trauma or abandonment. Sometimes they come from overindulgence, lack of accountability, or a learned sense of entitlement. But the principle is the same. Patterns that were invisible become visible once we are willing to look honestly at ourselves.

Bill Simpson 6:46

And over time, through doing the inner work, Daryl slowly shifted his mindset. He began practicing listening instead of defending himself. He was taking responsibility and respecting boundaries. And eventually he created the healthy relationship he had always wanted. So hopefully you're starting to get an idea of how breakups or divorce can reveal our relationship patterns. Breakups bring those patterns to the surface because they disrupt the familiar cycle, you know, what we're used to.

Three Steps To Change The Pattern

Bill Simpson 7:22

And psychologists who study relationship dynamics note that people often repeat the same emotional patterns with different partners. And that's why many people experience what feels like, you know, the same relationship, different person. And I've talked about this many times on this podcast. And without awareness, we just repeat the same dynamics because they feel emotionally familiar, even if they're unhealthy. But here's the silver lining because breakups or divorce can become a powerful turning point if you approach it with a sense of curiosity instead of blame. I'm going to give you three things that can help a lot after going through a breakup or divorce. The first thing, which may seem obvious, but it's to look for the pattern, you know, because most guys aren't aware they have one, and I sure didn't know I had one. So now that you know that there could be a pattern, ask yourself, what kind of partners do I consistently choose? What conflicts repeat in my relationships? And what feedback have I heard more than once from my exes? Because all those establish a pattern. And patterns usually reveal themselves through repetition. Hearing the same thing over and over, doing the same thing over and over.

Bill Simpson 8:53

The next thing is to explore the origin of that pattern. Because many patterns begin in childhood experiences. And when you understand where a relationship pattern began, something important happens to you psychologically. When I became aware that I had this abandonment issue, it made a lot of sense why I was overlapping these relationships, and that's where the real change began. So when you realize this pattern, the pattern stops feeling like what's wrong with me, you know, and starts looking more like what happened to me or like something you learned. And the good news here is that anything that was learned can be unlearned or reshaped. Many of the ways we show up in relationships were originally adaptations of how we were raised, you know, to our early environment.

Bill Simpson 9:48

For example, a child who experienced abandonment, like I did, may learn to cling or overlap relationships to avoid being alone. A child who had to fend for himself may become emotionally distant to stay safe. And a child who was overly praised and never challenged may grow up struggling with accountability or criticism, like Darryl. And here's something important too is that at one point those adaptations made sense to you. They helped you cope, survive, or feel secure. But the problem is what helped you survive as a child can become a limitation as an adult in relationships. And once you see that pattern clearly, it begins to loosen its grip because now you're no longer reacting automatically. You are aware. And man, I'm not gonna lie to you, this work can get a little complicated.

Exercise Prompts Plus Replace The Pattern

Bill Simpson 10:50

So I'm gonna give you an exercise I sometimes suggest men to do to help simplify the process, and that's to ask yourself these two questions. The first question is what keeps showing up in my relationships that I wish didn't? Think about that. Then ask yourself, when is the first time in my life I remember feeling something like this? And these are two great journal prompts that you can work with to really explore where those patterns came from. And especially that second question, it can be really powerful because it often reveals the moment when those patterns first began. And once you see that connection, it's like this light bulb goes off, and you begin to realize something important. Your pattern is not your destiny, it's simply a story that started a long time ago. The good news is today you have the opportunity to rewrite that story or start a different chapter. And that's where the next step comes in, and that's to replace the pattern. Awareness alone isn't enough. You know, it's great to have the awareness, but real change happens when we intentionally practice these new ways of being in relationship. You know, things like being emotionally honest with yourself and your partner, um, having compassion for yourself and your partner, being accountable, setting boundaries, and doing your self-reflection, and so on. And that's the work I help men do. And if you're rebuilding after breakup or divorce and want support and understanding your relationship patterns, check out my website, men on the path to love.com. You'll find coaching resources and tools designed to help men grow into the best version of themselves and build healthier relationships moving forward. Okay, here we go. This week's quote of the week is simple and to the point. It's from a famous psychoanalyst, James Hollis. He says, quote, your patterns in love reveal what you still need to heal. Unquote. Yeah, so instead of asking yourself, you know, why do I keep meeting the wrong person? A more powerful question might be, what pattern do I see in me that's asking to be understood? Think about it.

Bill Simpson 13:28

And that will bring an end to this episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast. Why breakups or divorce show us our deepest relationship patterns ever. I'm Bill Simpson, your host, and thank you for listening. And if you got something out of listening to this episode and you know someone else who really needs to hear it, then please share the link to this podcast and share the love.

Bill Simpson 13:55

Now, coming up next on the Men on the Path to Love podcast, let me ask you a question. After a breakup or divorce, do you take time to heal or do you rush into the next relationship hoping it will fix the pain? Because many men unknowingly repeat the same patterns simply because they move on too quickly. So next time I'll explore why taking time between relationships can be one of the most important steps in rebuilding your life. Please join me for the rebound or rebuild while rushing into the next relationship eat men stuff episode. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the pastel love.