The Space Between Relationships: Where Real Growth Begins

One of the most dangerous lies men tell themselves after a breakup or divorce is to “move on” as fast as possible. I’ve coached enough men and lived enough of my own story to know this: when you skip the space between relationships, you don’t skip the pain, you just postpone it and usually repeat it.

In this episode, I walk through why that in-between time is where real breakup or divorce recovery happens. You’ll hear a story about my friend “Ty,” who took too much space, and what changed when he finally got support. I break down what healthy space actually looks like.

If you’re rebuilding after breakup or divorce and or you know someone who is, check out The Space Between Relationships: Where Real Growth Begins, episode. 

Transcript

Welcome And Series Purpose

Bill Simpson 0:16

Hi, and welcome to the men on the back love on the cast, the space between relationships, where real growth begins in this episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are rebuilding their lives after a breakup or divorce, helping them understand their relationship patterns, grow into the best version of themselves, and create deeper love and real connection, showing up differently for the next chapter of their lives, so they can live the life they love. So as I continue my series on rebuilding after breakup or divorce, I think this episode might be one of the most important in this series. Because this is where everything either changes or it repeats. The same old, same old. And I've found that most men think the goal after breakup or divorce is to move on, you know, right away. But what if the real growth doesn't happen in the next relationship, but in the space before the next relationship? Because here's the truth, man. Some men move on too fast and repeat the same patterns. And I'm certainly guilty of that. And some men stay stuck too long and never risk love again. And I almost went down that path. So the question becomes what do you do with the space in between relationships? Well, that's what this episode is about.

Bill Simpson 1:53

Now I'm gonna bring up the research and attachment theory again because it's so important. It shows that our early and repeated relationship experiences create what's called internal working models. And these models shape how we choose our partners, how we respond to an argument or conflict, and how we interpret love and connection. And here's the key. If you don't take time to reflect after your relationship ends, you don't update that model. You just keep rerunning it over and over again and wondering how the hell did I get here again?

Two Traps Rebound Or Shutdown

Bill Simpson 2:36

And other research on post-relationship recovery and what's called self-concept clarity after breakups, the self-concept clarity is the extent to which self-beliefs are clearly defined, internally consistent, and stable across time and different situations. And the research shows that people who take intentional time alone develop greater emotional awareness, and they're more likely to form healthier future relationships. And they also experience less anxiety and dependency in the next relationship. And from a neuroscience standpoint, breakups and divorce actually activate the brain similar to withdrawal from addiction. You know, the brain wants that high. So jumping into a new relationship too fast can act as a dopamine boost or substitute, but not true healing. Okay. Now, like I said at the beginning, there are two extremes that men can fall into. You know, the the rebounding too fast, as I mentioned in the last episode. And that rebounding is to avoid pain, to get relief, and you end up repeating patterns. And then there is the avoid love altogether extreme. And this is the other side, with the fear of getting hurt again, um, shutting down emotionally, or convincing yourself you don't need connection, you don't need a relationship. And the thing is, both of these extremes are reactions, not growth.

Ty’s Story From Hurt To Healing

Bill Simpson 4:23

And I know I've been there, done that. Again, as I've mentioned in previous episodes, you know, there was a time in my life from my teens up to my first marriage where I didn't allow myself any space in between relationships. I would move from one relationship to the next without really being alone. And looking back now, understanding my patterns, it makes complete sense why those relationships didn't last. Because I never gave myself the opportunity to reflect, uh, to reset, you know, get regrounded, uh, or reconnect to who I actually was. And it wasn't until I started doing the work, you know, learning to be okay with myself and learning to be okay alone, that's when everything began to shift. And that path led me to the relationship I have today with my wife. And it's been over 17 years together and we're still thriving. Now, I want to share a different kind of story. It's about a friend of mine who I'll call Ty, not his real name. Ty was a lot like me in one way. He didn't leave space between relationships until life forced him to. He got engaged to a woman he believed was the one. And then everything changed. She left him for another woman, her best friend. And even though he respected her honesty before having to go through the wedding and all that, it still completely floored him. He felt betrayed, he was angry, he felt confused, and he was really deeply hurt. He questioned everything, wondering how he didn't see it, you know, how he missed the signs.

Bill Simpson 6:21

And after that, he just stopped dating completely. He poured himself into his work, his health, and he had this side hustle as a recording engineer. And so time passed. A year went by, and then another. And we had kind of lost touch for a little bit. And one day I ran into him at the grocery store, and I asked him how he was doing. And he was like, Oh, I'm good, I'm good. I asked him if he was seeing anyone, and he was like, Nah, man, I've given up on relationships. And when I heard him say that, frankly, it hit me hard because I recognized it, not as strength, but as him protecting himself. And after I left, I just couldn't get him off my mind. And what he told me really concerned me. So the next day I reached out and took a risk, gave him a call, and I told him of my concern.

Bill Simpson 7:26

I shared how at one point I had felt the same way, ready to give up on love and relationship altogether, you know, that I was ready to live a monk's life, you know. And I told him how grateful I was that I didn't. And I suggested that he consider getting some therapy or coaching. And not for me, but because therapy and coaching had helped me. And I told him that I'd hate to see him miss out on what was possible for him. And that's when he admitted to me deep down that he was lonely and that he wanted connection, but he was terrified of getting hurt again. And I understood that. And he actually took my advice and took a step and he got support.

Healthy Space Versus Avoidance

Bill Simpson 8:20

And to make a long story short, I'm just gonna say that over time, Ty was able to rebuild his confidence, he got reconnected with himself, and he eventually he did get himself back out there, and he found the love that he was looking for. Now, here's the takeaway from Ty's story: taking that space in between those relationships is very powerful, but too much unintentional space becomes avoidance. And there's a big difference between healing and hiding or avoiding. So, what does healthy space in between relationships actually look like? Well, this is where I feel a lot of men need clarity. I sure did. So I'm gonna break it down for you. First is to know what healthy space is not. It's not isolating, it's not numbing out, it's not distracting yourself endlessly, and it's not avoiding. And in case you're wondering, some of the signs that you may be avoiding include that whole I'm done with relationships mindset, or staying constantly busy to avoid any feelings that you're having. It's shutting down emotionally, and also being cynical about love or relationships.

Readiness Beats Waiting A Set Time

Practical Tools To Rebuild Yourself

Bill Simpson 9:57

Now, healthy space is intentional. So here are some signs you're using the space in a healthy way. You're reflecting on your patterns, not just blaming your ex. Okay? Looking at yourself, your patterns. You know, how did you get here? You're also processing your emotions instead of stuffing them. You're reconnecting with your identity outside of a relationship. Oftentimes we identify ourselves as being in that relationship, and it's time to identify yourself outside of that, who you are individually. You're also building emotional awareness. That's hard for a lot of guys, yet that's part of the healing process. You're also taking responsibility and accountability for your role in past dynamics. And it's not taking all the blame, you know, that it's all your fault. It's just owning your part of it, owning your shit. Okay. So when it comes to allowing space in between relationships, the question everyone asks is how long should I wait? How much space? Well, frankly, it's not about time, it's about readiness. And there is research on this, and research and clinical experience suggests that a few months is often not enough for meaningful reflection after a serious relationship. They're saying more like six to twelve months is a more common range for doing that intentional inner healing work. But again, it's about readiness, right? So how do you know when you're ready? Well, you'll know when you're ready when you're no longer driven by relieving your pain, your loneliness, or or your fear. Um, you'll know you're ready when you're not looking for someone to fix how you're feeling. And you'll also know you're ready when you can enter a relationship because you choose to, not because you feel like you need to or feel desperate to. Now, I'm gonna give you some tips on what to do in between relationships, that space. And guys, here's where the real work happens. Okay? So, one thing that's been helpful for me and a lot of my clients is journaling about your patterns. What kept showing up? What were the common denominators in these relationships? And notice the pattern. What did I bring into the relationship? And where did I lose myself? So you can journal with these prompts and see where it takes you.

Bill Simpson 12:59

Another thing is to, and as I mentioned earlier, work on your emotional awareness, your EQ, your emotional intelligence. And that means to start by identifying or naming those emotions, you know, what you're feeling. And I and again, this can be a challenge for a lot of men, but I encourage you to stick with it because it's so important. It's also being aware and understanding your emotional triggers, your memories, your experiences or events that create that strong emotional reaction no matter what your current mood is. You know, all of a sudden everything's cool, and then boom, you get triggered and you snap, or you react in a way you don't want to. And working with these triggers can be really helpful, and getting therapy or some coaching can really help you with this and how you respond to your triggers.

Coaching Offer And Support

Quote Of The Week And Closing

Bill Simpson 14:01

And as I mentioned earlier, it's about rebuilding your identity, who you are outside of a relationship. We often can become attached to our identity as a partner or a husband or identify as a part of a couple. So working on who you are outside a relationship is so important in moving forward. Another thing is to get clear about your values or your standards and what really matters to you, and asking yourself, what kind of partner do I want to be? And the last thing I'll say is to try to maintain a healthy social connection and not social media, you know, don't isolate. You want to connect with family, friends, and community, and that can be really helpful as well to get you back in your shoes. And I want to say, I know how challenging it can be to hold that space for yourself as you navigate rebuilding after breakup or divorce. So if you need some help with creating that space, that's the work I do with men. So check out my website, men on the path to love.com, for resources, coaching options, and more. That's men on the path to love.com. All right, it's about time for my quote of the week. And it comes from author, life coach, and fellow podcaster Jay Shetty. He says, " the longer you wait for the right person, the more you learn to become the right person.". Yeah, man, because the time you spend waiting and rebuilding isn't wasted. It's shaping the man who's finally ready for the relationship he's been asking for. And that's gonna bring an end to this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Space Between Relationships, where real growth begins episode. My name is Bill Simpson, and I appreciate you listening.

Bill Simpson 16:20

Now, in the next episode, I continue my series on rebuilding after breakup or divorce. And have a question for you to consider. What if the real reason your relationships haven't worked isn't who you chose what you would never talk? And that's why a lot of this isn't our thought. So think about that question. And join me next time as I break down to few relationship skills that are essential for a healthy, long-lasting relationship that most men never talk. Don't miss "The Skills That Make or Break Relationships That Most Men Never Learn."

Bill Simpson 16:58

And listen, if this episode was helpful for you or you know someone who needs to hear it, then please share the link to this podcast and share the like. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.