The Skills That Make or Break a Relationship (That Most Men Never Learn)

Most men don’t fail at relationships because they’re “bad at relationships.” They fail at them because nobody ever taught them the skills that make relationships work when life gets real. The good news is that skills can be learned, practiced, and mastered Learning them is well worth the effort.

In this episode, I continue my series on rebuilding after breakup or divorce. I share evidence-based, core relationship skills that can make or break a relationship. Skills that have helped me, and the men I've coached. If you (or someone you know) are serious about building or rebuilding a healthy, connected, lasting relationship, this episode is a must-listen. Check out The Skills That Make or Break a Relationship (That Most Men Were Never Taught) episode. 

Transcript

Bill Simpson 0:09

Hi and welcome to the men of the past love again. The skills that make or break relationships that most men never learn. Episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are rebuilding their lives after breakup or divorce, helping them understand their relationship patterns, grow into the best version of themselves, and create deeper love and real connection, showing up differently for the next chapter of their lives so they can live the life they love.

Skills Build Lasting Love

Bill Simpson 0:46

So think about this. What if the reason your relationship didn't work wasn't because you were broken, but because you were never taught the skills that actually make a relationship work. Not from your parents, not in school, not from society. Yeah man, nobody sat me down and said, here's how to communicate, Bill, here's how to handle conflict, here's how to be emotionally present. No, and yet we're expected to just figure it out. So a lot of men do what they think is right. They show up, they provide, they stay loyal, and still something feels off. It just doesn't feel right. Yeah, communication breaks down, more and more arguments, the connection starts to fade, and you're left feeling lost and thinking, what am I missing here? Well, that's what I'll be talking about in this episode. As I continue this series on rebuilding after breakup or divorce, this episode is about something that helps to create a solid foundation in relationship. Because if you've been following this series, once you've reflected on your patterns, once you've taken time and that space between relationships, the next step is learning skills that actually create a healthy, connected, and lasting relationship.

Bill Simpson 2:23

And here's the truth, man. Most men were never taught these skills. Like I said, I was never taught. And this isn't about blame or fault. It's about awareness and growth. Because when you learn new skills, everything changes. And I can tell you from my own experience, there was a time where I truly believed I was showing up well in my relationships. I thought to myself, I'm committed, I care, I'm doing what a man is supposed to do. But looking back, I didn't have a clue, man. I didn't understand how to communicate effectively or emotionally. I avoided vulnerability, and I didn't know a thing about how to really repair after an argument. And I definitely didn't know how to create emotional safety. And man, it just kept showing up again and again and again in my relationships. Same stuff.

Bill Simpson 3:29

It wasn't until I became open, really open to learning new skills. That's when things began to change. And it didn't happen overnight, no. But over time, those skills transformed how I showed up in relationship. And eventually, they led to the relationship I have today with my wife. A relationship that continues to grow, deepens, and thrives. And it was really learning the skills is where it all changed. And I gotta be honest, it's still a work in progress. Research from John Gottman, one of the leading relationship experts, shows that successful relationships aren't built on luck or compatibility alone. They're built on skills. And I'm gonna give you some of those skills, the ones that have helped me and the clients I serve.

Self-Compassion Stops Shutdowns

Clear Communication Creates Connection

Emotional Awareness And Vulnerability

Bill Simpson 4:27

And I'll start with what almost everyone, men and women, have never been taught, and that's self-compassion. Being kind to yourself as you would someone you care about. And most men are harder on themselves than anyone else. And that inner critic, it doesn't stay internal, it can leak into relationships. I worked with a guy who would beat himself up after every argument he had with his wife. He thought it made him accountable, but it actually made him shut down. And when he learned self-compassion, something shifted in him. He could stay present with where he was instead of taking it all on after an argument. Self-compassion allows you to grow without shutting down. Another thing is open communication, not just talking, but being clear, honest, and direct. I I had a guy tell me, I thought she should just know how I feel. Well, good luck with that. Yeah, and I the thing is when he finally learned to express his needs clearly, when he could actually say what he felt and what he needed, the relationship dynamic completely changed. Clear communication creates connection. Silence or shutting down creates confusion. The next one is about emotional awareness and expression. Many men were never taught how to identify what they feel, much less how to express it, right? Research calls this normative male alexithymia, a learned difficulty in recognizing and describing emotions. I had a client who could only say that he felt fine or stressed. You know, and I, how are you doing? I'm fine. What do you I'm stressed? Well, once he took the time to learn and expand his emotional vocabulary, his partner finally said to him, There you are. I finally feel you. I'll never forget that. And guys, I know this is a tough one for a lot of you, but it's a skill that is more than worth the effort.

Boundaries Prevent Resentment

Repair After Conflict

Emotional Safety Changes Everything

Next Steps And Quote Of Week

Bill Simpson 6:58

Now, to go along with emotional awareness and expression is vulnerability. Yeah, man, this is where real connection lives. And yet, again, it's often the hardest skill for men to learn. It sure was for me. And being in a therapy group really helped me with that. I remember my first real glimpse seeing a man be vulnerable was when a guy in my group shared that he told his partner for the first time he was afraid of losing her. And that moment didn't push her away. It actually brought them closer than ever. Remember, vulnerability builds trust. Guarding yourself and shutting down builds distance. Another one that is so important, and that is boundary setting. Yeah, man, it's what separates you from your partner in a healthy way, and it helps to prevent codependency. Without boundaries, resentment builds. With boundaries, respect grows. One of the guys I worked with said yes to everything his wife wanted. And that was to avoid conflict at all cost. But over time, he became frustrated and distant and shut down. When he learned about setting boundaries, and when he learned to say no with respect, his partner actually trusted him more and respected him more. Remember this boundaries protect both you and the relationship. Alright, I have a couple more here. Um the next one is conflict resolution and repair. Now, let's be real. Conflict is gonna happen in relationships, it's inevitable. And John Gottman's research about conflict shows that conflict isn't the problem. Lack of repair is the problem, and it can make all the difference in the world. And I see this a lot where couples have the same argument over and over and over. And with that, it can slowly wear away a relationship. And when I show my clients how to handle conflict and how to repair them, they often see that the breakthrough wasn't avoiding the conflict, it was learning how to repair it by saying something like, Hey, I realize I got defensive and I'm sorry. Can we reset? Yeah, man. Repair is such a valuable skill, and it's what keeps relationships strong. Now, one last skill that I think is the foundation of everything, and that is creating emotional safety. When a partner feels emotionally safe, they open up. It's so important for men and women in relationships. When a partner feels emotionally safe, they open up. When they don't feel safe, they shut down. And when men learn this skill, man, it can be a real game changer. Yeah, I I remember working with a client and creating this safety in his relationship, and when he learned to listen without interrupting or trying to fix the problem, which may not seem like a big deal to a lot of guys, but man, when he learned this, his partner actually said to him, For the first time, I feel safe talking to you. Creating emotional safety is where connection grows. You're building trust and intimacy there. So those are some basic skills that can change everything in a relationship. These are skills that every guy should learn. And if you're hearing this and thinking, oh yeah, I never learned these, well, you're not alone. And more importantly, it's not too late. These are skills, which means they can be learned, they can be practiced, and they can be mastered. And when they are, you don't just change your relationships, you change yourself. Now, if you're realizing the skills I talked about, you know, these things that you were never taught, and you're ready to learn them and apply them in your life, I want to invite you to take the next step. Check out my website, men on the path to love.com. That's where you can learn more about how I help men rebuild after breakup or divorce, and how to become the kind of man who creates a healthy, connected, and lasting relationship. That's men on the path to love.com.

Next Episode Teaser And Closing

Bill Simpson 12:21

Okay, it's time now to jump into my quote of the week. It comes from relationship expert Harville Hendricks. It's short and sweet and to the point. He says, "We are born into relationship, but we are not born knowing how to do relationship." Yeah, again, nobody sat us down and said, here's how to handle conflict, here's how to communicate, here's how to be emotionally present. No, man, so we just did the best we could until we realized we needed to learn what we were never taught. And that's a wrap for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast. The skills that make or break relationships that most men never learn. Episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you so much for listening. Now, coming up next time on the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, as I continue my series on rebuilding after breakup or divorce, I want you to think about something. If relationships require skills, and now you're starting to learn those skills, who do you become in your next relationship?

Bill Simpson 13:44

Well, that's what I'm going to be talking about next time. So please join me for the who you need to become before your next relationship episode. Because it's not just about what you do, it's about who you become. Yeah, and if this episode helped you see relationships in a new way, or you know someone who needs to hear about these skills, then please share the link, share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path below.