Who You Need to Become Before Your Next Relationship

Most relationship advice tells men to communicate better, choose better, or “heal” so the next relationship finally works. In this episode, I'm going to take it a little deeper: What if the reason your last relationship didn’t work isn’t just about what happened between you and her or your partner…but about who you were being in the relationship?

If you’re rebuilding after a breakup or divorce, this is the crossroads where learning turns into transformation.  I share my own turning point, plus a client story that exposes the gap between “I know all that” and the courage it takes to actually do the work.

I'll give you a clear framework of six evidence-based attributes to build before your next relationship. If you want healthier love, start building the version of you that can create it. Check out the Who You Need to Become Before Your Next Relationship, episode.

Transcript

Welcome And The Core Question

Bill Simpson 0:11

Hi and welcome to the men on the past love podcast. Who do you need to become before your next relationship episode? I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are rebuilding their lives after breakup or divorce, helping them understand their relationship matters, grow into the best version of themselves, and create deeper love and real connections, showing up differently for the next chapter of their lives. So they can live the life they love.

Rebuilding Shifts Toward The Future

Bill Simpson 0:46

So, what if the reason your last relationship didn't work isn't just about what happened between you and her or your partner, but about who you were being in that relationship. Not because you're broken, but because you were never shown what it actually takes to become the man a healthy relationship requires. And here's the truth, man. Most men go into their next relationship focused on finding the right partner, avoiding the same mistakes, and then hoping it turns out differently. But very few ask the deeper question, and that is who do I need to become for a relationship like that to actually work? And that's what I'll be talking about in this episode. Now, as I wrap up this series on rebuilding after breakup or divorce, I'm going to take a quick look at what I've covered so far. In case you haven't listened to the series so far, or just to remind you, if you have, I talked about why relationships end. I explored the patterns that lead us there. I looked at rebound versus rebuild. And I talked about what to do with the space in between relationships. Each of those episodes were to help you to understand what happened, why it happened, and how to begin healing. But in this episode, this is where it all shifts. Because rebuilding isn't just about understanding the past, it's about preparing for your future.

Identity Change And Relationship Psychology

Bill Simpson 2:32

Now, up to this point, we've talked a lot about you know awareness, communication, emotional health, healing, all that. Yeah, these are all important. But at some point, growth has to move beyond skills into something deeper. And I'm talking about your values, your standards, and your behaviors. This is where real transformation happens. And this is where real commitment begins. Because it's one thing to know what to do, it's another thing to become the kind of man who actually does it. And there's some powerful research in psychology that speaks directly to this. There's James Clear's work on identity-based change, where real change doesn't happen when you focus on outcomes. It happens when you shift your identity. And he uses the example: the goal is not to read books, the goal is to become a reader. So it's the same thing with relationships. Not I want a healthy relationship, but I'm a man who shows up in a healthy relationship. You see the difference? Then there's the old attachment theory that I talk about a lot from John Bowlby. Your internal working model that he talks about. It doesn't change just because you understand it, it changes through having new experiences, having consistent behavior, and taking an emotional risk. In other words, you don't heal your patterns by thinking differently, you heal them by showing up differently.

My Turning Point After Heartbreak

Bill Simpson 4:23

Then there's research from Ronald Levant, another term I've talked about before, and that's normative male alexothymia, which is where men aren't in touch with their emotions. And that's because many men were never taught how to identify those emotions, to express their vulnerability, or stay present in uncomfortable situations. So what do we do? We default to avoidance, control, and we shut down. And becoming the right partner means that you develop your emotional awareness, not just intellectually, but behaviorally. And man, that's where it gets hard for most of us. u

When Knowing Becomes Doing

Bill Simpson 5:12

I know because I've been there. Yeah, man, there was a point in my own life where I realized something that made a huge difference for me. Because for the longest I had been focused on finding the right partner, but that wasn't working for me. So I had to ask myself a hard question, and this is what made the huge difference. What if the issue isn't who I'm finding, but who I'm being? And man, that's when it hit me. You know, if I want the relationship I've been searching for, I have to become the man who can actually create it. So I had to change, I had to grow, and I had to become a better version of myself. And like I said, man, rebuilding was hard. Yeah, I mean, it took a lot of time, it took a lot of effort, and it took a lot of money too. And I'm not gonna lie to you, there were moments I questioned everything. Like, what the hell am I doing? But now I can tell you this. It's been absolutely worth it. Because today I have the relationship I was looking for all along, and that's why I do this work. Because I know what's possible for men when they commit to becoming the man their life and their relationship requires. I had a client, I'll call him Misha. When he came to me, he was already on the path. Sort of. You know, he had read the books, he listened to the podcasts, uh, he even used AI. So intellectually, he got it, which made my job easier and harder at the same time. Because every time I brought something up, you know, whether it was attachment theory, communications, vulnerability, accountability, and all that, he'd say, Yeah, Bill, I know all that. And then he'd explain it to me, you know, almost like he was teaching me. And I could see that he understood the concepts. But here was the problem. He wasn't doing any of it. It was all in his head, no action.

Bill Simpson 7:40

So one day when he said, Yeah, I know all that, Bill, I stopped him. And I said, No, Misha, you know about it. If you really knew it, you'd be doing it. And frankly, I wasn't sure how he was going to take it. But something shifted inside of him. He put his head down and and I started to apologize, but he interrupted me and he looked me right in the eye and said, No, Bill, you're right. I've been studying all this because I want to be better, but I'm scared shitless to do the real work. Well, man, that moment, that was courage, that was honesty, and that was the beginning of real change for Misha. So I asked him, Are you ready to do the work? And he said, Yes, but I'm going to need your help. And that's where everything changed. That's when Misha started becoming the man he needed to be. And I'm happy to say he found the relationship he was looking for. Not overnight, mind you. It did take time, and it took a lot of commitment and effort on his part. But he got there.

Six Traits To Build Before Dating

Bill Simpson 9:05

Now, in hearing Misha's story, I hope you're getting a better sense of what this episode is about. The question still remains, though, and that's what do you need to become? What does this actually look like? Well, I'm going to give you some evidence-based attributes to focus on to be who you need to become before your next relationship. And if you listen to this podcast on the regular, you'll probably recognize a lot of these. I'm going to start with being emotionally aware. This is where you can identify and express your emotions. It's about practicing self-reflection and being present, you know, in the moment. I suggest starting with journaling, something I do every morning. You know, write out your emotions, what you're feeling, uh, you know, your past patterns, things like that. And start naming your emotions. And I know a lot of guys struggle with this, and I did myself. What can be really helpful is to Google feelings chart. You'll get these charts with all kinds of feelings on there. So when you're trying to figure out what you're feeling, use the chart. And oftentimes they'll have an emoji on there that expresses that feeling, and that can help you. A

Bill Simpson 10:30

I also suggest practicing mindfulness, you know, being present with your feelings, with your thoughts, and your urges without any judgment. Just being aware of what is in the moment. Next is to be accountable. Yeah, man, you've got to own your own shit. Own your own behavior without getting defensive. And take responsibility instead of blaming all the time. So to help with that, start asking yourself, what was my part in that? What role did I play? So that you look at yourself first.

Bill Simpson 11:16

Another important attribute is to be consistent. Yeah, when you show up the same way over time, this builds trust and safety through being reliable. You're predictable, and that helps the relationship feel safe. And to help with this is to start focusing on small repeatable actions first and then expand as you get better. Be consistent, man. It makes a huge difference. And here's a big one, uh, and and again, this can be really challenging, and that is be vulnerable. I heard someone call it being courageously open. And this means sharing what's going on with you, being open and doing it honestly and respectfully, even when it's uncomfortable. Or I should say especially when it's uncomfortable.

Bill Simpson 12:17

Being vulnerable is not hiding behind having to control, you know, be in control of everything, or hiding by avoiding or shutting down. Be open. And again, start small with this. Telling the truth in low-risk moments and build up to the higher risk ones. And again, I'm not gonna lie to you, it can be scary doing this, especially for a lot of guys. And at the same time, it can be very liberating. You know, they say the truth will set you free, right?

Bill Simpson 12:53

Another attribute that I reference often when I talk about acceptance commitment therapy or technique, and that is be values driven. A man who's values driven knows what matters and he lives by it. He makes his decisions based on standards and values, not his emotions, thoughts, or physical urges. So I'm gonna suggest you start with Googling values clarification and start small with this by defining your top three relationship values and expand those values as you grow.

Invitation Quote And Next Series

Bill Simpson 13:32

And one last one I'll leave you with is being self-led. Personal leadership. A man who is self-led regulates his emotions. He responds instead of reacts. And one easy way, well, in theory it's easy, but it's something to practice, and it's this simple formula of pause or breathe, reflect and respond. So yeah, you take a moment to pause and breathe, and then you reflect on what you're about to say or want to say, and then respond instead of reacting the old way, respond from how you want to be, your higher self, right? So those are just some attributes to work on. And look, I gave you six, okay. So it's not to do them all at once. No, man. Just pick one and work on it for 30 days and then go to the next one. I want to make you aware of something. The relationship you want requires a version of you that may not even exist yet. And know that that's not being a failure. That's an invitation for you to take it to the next level, to become the man you want to be. And man, if this episode landed for you and you're realizing that becoming this new version of yourself is where the real work begins, I want to invite you to take the next step. Simply go to my website, men on the path to love.com. You can learn more about how I help men rebuild themselves so they can create deeper connection, stronger relationships, and a life they actually feel proud of, and live the life they love. It's time now for my quote of the week, and it comes from James Clear, who I referenced earlier in this episode around his work with identity based change. He says, " every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become." Yeah, in other words, who you become isn't defined by your big intentions. It's built through small, consistent actions. So every time you show up, you're reinforcing an identity. Either the man you want to be or the one you're trying to outgrow. You hear me?

Bill Simpson 16:17

And that will bring to a close this episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, the who you need to become before your next relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thanks for listening. Now, this also brings a close to my series on rebuilding after breakup or divorce. And as I do, I want you to recognize something. Rebuilding isn't the end, it's the foundation. Because becoming the man you need to be is what allows you to create something different next time.

Bill Simpson 16:54

So in the next series, I'm gonna move beyond rebuilding and get into how to actually create a healthy relationship. Starting with this question. If you've already done the work, why do you still find yourself repeating the same patterns? Well, that's what I'll be talking about in the next episode. So please join me for the Why You Still Repeat Relationship Patterns even After Doing the Work episode. If this episode made you think of someone who needs to hear it, then please share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.