What Men Were Taught About Strength That Hurts Relationships

You can be tough, capable, and respected and still feel lost when it comes to relationships. I’m talking about the gap between the version of “strength” we were taught growing up versus the kind of strength a healthy relationship actually needs. 

In this episode, I unpack the old rules many men inherit.  I also share “Rico's” story, a strong man who knew exactly how to survive a tough life in prison but had a hard time being vulnerable with a partner, and how learning what true strength is changed everything. 

You’ll walk away with a clear picture of what strength looks like in real life. I’ll give you three ways to start rewiring your definition of strength today, plus two reflection questions that can change how you show up in relationship. Check out the What Men Were Taught About Strength That Hurts Relationships, episode.

Transcript

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Welcome And The Strength Question

Bill Simpson 0:13

Hi, and welcome to the men on the path to love again. The what men were taught about strength that hurts relationships episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are rebuilding their lives and relationships after breakup or divorce, helping them understand their relationship patterns, grow into the best version of themselves, and create deeper love and real connection, showing up differently for the next chapter of their lives so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson 0:50

So, as part of this series on building a healthy relationship, I've talked about communication, emotional safety, conflict, trust, and the foundations that help relationships thrive. But in this episode, I want to talk about something that subtly influences all of those things, and that's strength. Because for many men, what we learned about strength helped us survive in life, but it often hurt our relationships. And if you've ever found yourself feeling confused about where you stand as a man in relationship, you know, wanting to be strong, but not knowing what that actually means, well, this episode is for you.

How Old Strength Rules Harm Love

Bill Simpson 1:36

You see, for most of my life, I thought strength meant being in control and you know keeping my emotions close, handle my problems myself. Don't let people see me struggle. Be the one with the answers, you know, fix the problem, push through whatever you're going through, and stay composed, man. Don't lose it. And if I showed too much emotion, if I admitted that I was afraid, if I cried, if I didn't have it all together, part of me felt weak. I felt ashamed, like somehow I was failing at being a man. The strange thing is that when I lived that way, it felt like I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do, right? Nobody handed me a rule book, but the messages were everywhere, you know?

Bill Simpson 2:31

And as I began doing my own healing work and later started working with men, I realized I wasn't alone. Far from it. As a matter of fact, so many men find themselves stuck in this emotional limbo. You know, they want to connect, they want intimacy, they want healthy relationships. But they also carry these old messages about strength that tell them vulnerability is dangerous, that expressing emotions is weakness, and that needing support means they're failing. And man, I was one of those men. And while I've done a tremendous amount of work around this, I'll be honest, I still catch myself slipping into old patterns from time to time, because conditioning runs deep.

Rico’s Story From Survival To Openness

Bill Simpson 3:24

I think of a man who I'll call Rico, not his real name. Years ago, Rico joined a group I was facilitating. When he first arrived, he kept his cards very close to his chest. He was very supportive of everyone else, you know, encouraging and respectful, but he didn't say a whole lot about himself. Over time, as he began to trust the group more, Rico slowly started opening up. Eventually, he shared something that was amazing, and I mean, he told us that he had spent more than 20 years in and out of prison. Inside prison, he said he knew exactly how to survive. He was physically strong, he knew how to fight, he knew how to protect himself, he knew how to act, and he knew how to keep people at a distance. But in the outside real world, he admitted that he had no idea how to be vulnerable. He didn't know how to share his feelings, he didn't know how to ask for support, and the thought of doing those things terrified him.

Bill Simpson 4:38

Well, over the years, as the group continued, I would model what it looked like to talk openly about feelings or fears, uh, mistakes and challenges. Um I taught mindfulness, mindful communication, vulnerability, compassion, and and these are the very things that many men are taught to avoid, right? And one day Rico looked at me and said something I'll never forget. He said, Bill, you're the strongest man I know. And man, that hit me deep. Yeah, because he wasn't talking about physical strength. I'm a relatively small guy. So he he wasn't talking about toughness, he was talking about emotional courage, the willingness to express my feelings, to be vulnerable, to communicate honestly and compassionately, and to stay open-hearted. And I gotta tell you, hearing from Rico that I was the strongest man he knew, you know, this guy who had survived most things people couldn't imagine. I know I couldn't. It was an incredible gift, man.

Bill Simpson 5:57

And even though I knew those qualities represented real strength, a part of me still carried the old conditioning that vulnerability was weakness. And his words validated something I spent years learning: that strength isn't the absence of vulnerability. Strength is having the courage to be vulnerable. And today, Rico continues doing the work. He practices the skills he learned, he communicates differently, and he shows up differently. And I'm happy to say his relationship with his partner is healthier than it's ever been. And man, watching his growth has been one of the greatest privileges of my work.

The Research Case For Vulnerability

Bill Simpson 6:44

Yeah, man, Rico's story reminds us that surviving life and succeeding in relationships require different skills. The toughness that helps endure hardship isn't always the same strength that creates intimacy. Healthy relationships require a different kind of courage. You know, it's the courage to be seen, the courage to be honest, the courage to stay emotionally present when everything inside you wants to shut down. And here's the thing the reality is that many men were taught messages like don't cry, man up, handle yourself, don't be weak, you don't need anyone. Be tough, push through it. And oftentimes these messages came from parents or coaches, peers, the media, or the culture.

Bill Simpson 7:41

Here's what's important to understand, most people who taught us these things weren't trying to harm us, they were just passing down what they had learned themselves. And that's why I say over and over, yo man, it's not your fault. Yeah, most men were never taught the relationship skills they needed. And women too, for that matter, but I'm talking about us guys. And even though we weren't taught these skills, it is our responsibility to learn them now.

Bill Simpson 8:16

Researcher and author Brene Brown has spent decades studying vulnerability and courage. And one of her most important findings is that vulnerability is not weakness. In fact, vulnerability is the foundation of courage, connection, trust, and love. And relationship researchers like Dr. John Gottman have found that emotional responsiveness and openness are among the strongest predictors of relationship success. Yeah, partners don't feel close because one person always has the answers. They feel close because they feel seen and heard, understood, and emotionally safe. And emotional safety cannot exist where emotional honesty isn't there.

What Real Strength Looks Like

Bill Simpson 9:11

So what does strength actually look like? Well, real strength looks like taking responsibility for your actions, being accountable, you know, owning your mistakes without getting defensive. Express your feelings and emotions without blaming others. Ask for support when you need it. Set healthy boundaries. Have those difficult conversations. Stay present during a conflict or an argument. Repair after mistakes. And choosing growth over your ego. And man, none of these things I mentioned are easy. In fact, it's much easier shutting down, you know, avoiding, controlling, or pretending everything is fine. Yeah, that's the easy route. So what do we

Three Practices To Redefine Strength

Bill Simpson 10:12

do? Well, I'm gonna give you three ways you can start rewriting your definition of strength. Okay? The first thing is to notice your conditioning. What you were taught, the old stories. Ask yourself, what was I taught about being a man? What emotions were acceptable for men? And what emotions were forbidden, you know, like what we couldn't do. Because when you have the awareness of these conditionings, that's where the change begins. And just because you were conditioned that way doesn't mean you have to keep that conditioning, that narrative, that story going. Think about it. Is that old way of conditioning working for you now in your relationship? The second thing is to practice naming your feelings. I talk about this a lot. So many men jump right from thoughts into solving the problem.

Bill Simpson 11:16

So before you do any of that, pause and ask yourself, what am I actually feeling right now? Because a lot of times jumping right into solutions, it's a way of avoiding our feelings. So when you can identify what you're actually feeling, you may not have to solve that problem, recognize how you feel. And I always recommend Googling "feelings chart." Google that and you'll get all kinds of you know emojis that show different emotions, and it can help you identify those feelings and then practice identifying them. And the more you practice, the easier it gets. Building your emotional vocabulary builds emotional intelligence and it takes practice.

Bill Simpson 12:06

Now, the last but not least, number three, is take one small vulnerable risk. It doesn't have to be a big, huge thing. Just tell someone how you're really doing when they ask you. You know, share one of your fears, it can be a minor one. Um show and express appreciation. And do it a lot. This is big, man. And I've mentioned this before. My wife and I have been saying three appreciations to each other every night before going to sleep. And we've been doing this for over 17 years, and it's so effective in keeping the connection going. Another way to be vulnerable is to ask for help. And so many of us guys don't. We think we can do it ourselves, and then we get ourselves into a lot of trouble trying to bail our way out. So there's no shame in asking for help.

Bill Simpson 13:02

And with these small moments of vulnerability, it lets your nervous system know and gives you evidence that being open and vulnerable is okay. It's safe. Now, some partners may take advantage of that and make it not feel safe, and that's on them for not creating that emotional safety that you need. So those are the three things. Notice your conditioning, practice naming your feelings, and take one small vulnerable risk.

Questions To Rethink Masculinity

Bill Simpson 13:37

And this might be helpful for you. I have two questions to ask yourself in terms of what strength means, okay? What definition of strength have you been carrying that may no longer be serving your relationships? Alright? And what would change if you gave yourself permission to redefine it? Just because you were conditioned that way and much of our society has doesn't mean you have to. Alright?

Bill Simpson 14:09

And listen, I want you to really hear what I'm about to say. If you've struggled with this, you know, this whole uh identity of around strength, understand that you're not broken and you're not alone. You're likely carrying messages that were handed to you long before you knew how to even question them. And the good news is strength can be redefined. Not by becoming less masculine. No, that's not what this is about. It's about becoming more whole. Because the strongest men I know aren't the ones who never feel fear. They're the ones who are willing to stay open, honest, and connected in the middle of it all.

Coaching Resources Quote And Closing

Bill Simpson 14:56

And if this episode resonated with you and you're rebuilding after a breakup or divorce, or you're trying to become the kind of man who can create a healthy, long lasting relationship, then please visit my website men on the path to love.com. You'll find resources, coaching opportunities, podcast episodes, and tools designed to help you grow into the strongest version of yourself, not through control or guarding your emotions, but through awareness, courage, and connection.

Bill Simpson 15:34

All right, it is time now for my quote of the week, and it comes from author and musician Chris Jamy. He says "To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable. To make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength." Yeah, man, real strength isn't pretending you have it all together. It's having the courage to let others see the parts of you that aren't. Vulnerability doesn't make you weak, it actually reveals the strength that was there all along.

Bill Simpson 16:12

And that's going to do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast. The what men were taught about strength that hurts relationships episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you so much for listening. Now, coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, as I wrap up this series on building a healthy relationship, there's one final piece I need to talk about. Because after learning about communication, conflict, emotional safety, trust, commitment, and redefining strength, many men discover something that surprises them.

Bill Simpson 16:54

When they finally find themselves in a healthy relationship, it doesn't always feel the way they expect it. In fact, sometimes healthy feels unfamiliar, and sometimes it even feels uncomfortable. Why? Well, that's exactly what I'll be exploring in the next episode. And I'll leave you with this to think about. If a healthy relationship felt different from what you're used to, would you recognize it or would you mistake it for something being wrong? Give that some thought.

Bill Simpson 17:28

And please join me next time for the Why Healthy Relationships Can Feel Uncomfortable at First episode. And look, if you found value in what you heard in this episode, then please share the link and share the love. Share it with another man who might need to hear it. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.