The Version of You That Created Your Last Relationship Can’t Create Your Next One

In this week's episode, I start a new series for men rebuilding after breakup or divorce with one clear message: the version of you that created your last relationship can’t create your next one.

I talk about why so many men were never taught the core relationship skills that actually sustain healthy love. This distinction is important. Because understanding what healthy relationships look like is one thing…

Becoming the version of yourself capable of creating and sustaining one is another.

I share something that changed my life after my third divorce. I also share the story of an old high school friend “Howard,” who reached out to me years later after multiple failed relationships and divorces, and how a deep conversation about what it really takes to create a healthier relationship, changed his trajectory on his path to love. 

I explore:

• Why old emotional patterns recreate old outcomes
• The difference between intention and real transformation
• Emotional maturity and accountability
• Survival mode vs intentional relationships
• Why healing requires more than just wanting something different

Check out The Version of You That Created Your Last Relationship Can’t Create Your Next One, episode.

Transcript

The Big Shift From Finding

Bill Simpson 0:17

Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast. The version of you that created your last relationship can't create your next one episode. Damn, that's a mouthful. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are rebuilding their lives and relationships after breakup or divorce, helping them understand their relationship patterns, grow into the best version of themselves, and create deeper love and real connections, showing up differently for the next chapter of their lives so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson 0:55

In this episode, I begin a brand new series. It's called Becoming the Man Capable of a Healthy Relationship. Now, in my last series, I talked about what healthy relationships actually look like. We explored emotional safety, communication, conflict, trust, vulnerability, consistency, and why healthy relationships can sometimes feel uncomfortable at first. But understanding healthy relationships is one thing. Becoming the version of yourself that's capable of creating and sustaining one is another thing entirely. And that's where we're headed.

Bill Simpson 1:34

Because many men after breakup or divorce focus almost entirely on finding the right person. But the deeper question often becomes who do I need to become in order to create the kind of a relationship I truly want? And listen, man, I want to say this up front. This conversation is not about blaming men. It's not about saying men are the problem. And it's not about shame. In fact, I think what's real is a lot of men were just never taught the emotional skills, the awareness, or relationship tools necessary to create healthy connection in the first place.

Bill Simpson 2:14

A lot of men were taught the usual stuff I talk about, you know, to be strong, don't cry, push through it, handle it yourself, don't look weak, uh, you gotta provide, you gotta perform, all that. But very few men were taught about how to process emotions, to communicate

Third Divorce And A Hard Question

Bill Simpson 2:35

openly and vulnerably, uh, to repair after a conflict, to create that emotional safety, um, to understand their emotional patterns, or even how to build healthy intimacy and what it's all about. And because of that, a lot of men end up repeating relationship patterns that they don't fully understand.

Bill Simpson 2:59

And I know, man, because I lived it myself. After my third divorce, I was honestly at the point where a part of me wanted to just give up relationships altogether. Because each time I got married, I genuinely believed I had found the right one. And yet somehow I kept ending up in the same place alone. And that was painful to sit with. And eventually I had to stop asking, why does this keep happening to me, and start asking, what is my part in this? And that was a huge turning point for me.

Bill Simpson 3:41

During that period of being alone, I made a decision to focus deeply on myself, not just finding another relationship. Like I said, I was almost done, but focusing on myself. I committed to doing even more of the deep work necessary to become the kind of man capable of creating a healthier relationship. I did a lot of stuff, man. I went to therapy, couples counseling, coaching, I did workshops, read a lot of books, did a lot of self-reflection, learned about my patterns, my attachment, learned about what emotional safety is. I learned about how my fears and wounds and communication habits and my emotional reactions impacted relationships. And frankly, it was a lot, man.

Bill Simpson 4:35

And it took a lot of commitment, it took patience, humility, uh, practice and grace. But eventually something changed. Instead of chasing connection and relationship from a wounded place, I started becoming more emotionally grounded, self-aware and intentional. And eventually I met the woman who became my wife, a woman who was aligned with the work I had done, who appreciated my commitment to growth, and a woman who valued emotional connection and authenticity. She had done the work too.

What Doing The Work Looks Like

Bill Simpson 5:15

And I'm grateful to say that we've now been together for over 17 years and we're still going strong. Now I want to make something clear. I'm not sharing that because I think I'm better than anyone, and I definitely don't have all the answers. I still struggle sometimes. I still have growing to do, and I'm still learning. But what I do know is this the version of me in my previous relationships could not have maintained what I have today. No, man, that old version of me didn't yet have the emotional awareness, um, the emotional maturity, the communication skills, or the self-understanding that was necessary to create the kind of relationship I truly wanted. What changed that was growth. And that growth still continues.

Bill Simpson 6:12

Now that brings me to someone I'll call Howard, not his real name. Howard was an old high school friend I reconnected with years ago after a reunion. Howard had been married twice and had gone through a series of unsuccessful relationships. And honestly, by that point, he had become pretty cynical about relationships altogether. Well, after seeing the work I was doing with men and some of my posts on social media, he DM'd me. Now, in typical Howard fashion, he started by busting my balls a little bit. He joked that being a relationship coach must mean that I was pussy whipped, right? And

Howard Hears The Truth

Bill Simpson 6:55

honestly, it made me laugh because it reminded me that Howard really hadn't changed much since high school. He was always the ball buster. But eventually our conversation got serious. And he started opening up about his divorces, his failed relationships, and how frustrated and exhausted he felt, you know, tired of the dating apps and all that stuff. And I could hear the pain underneath the sarcasm. So I validated his feelings and shared some of my own experiences with him. I wanted him to know that he wasn't alone. At one point, he said that he genuinely wanted a solid relationship. Then he asked me, Bill, how did you do it? Well, I told him, I did the work. And he paused and was like, Well, what do you mean by that? The work?

Bill Simpson 7:52

So I explained to him all the work I had done. You know, I told him about the therapy, the couples counseling, the coaches, all the books I read, workshops, self-reflection, learning about my relationship patterns, learning how those patterns impacted my relationships, learning how to communicate differently, and learning how to become more emotionally aware and intentional. And there was this big pause, and Howard was like, Man, that sounds like a lot. And I told him the truth. I said, Yeah, Howard, it is. But let me tell you, it's worth it. And then I shared something with him that became one of the biggest realizations of my own life. I told him, Howard, the version of me that created my previous relationships was not going to create my next one. So I had to change. And again, Howard got quiet, and then he said, Well, damn, Bill, I guess I have to change then.

Bill Simpson 9:00

That was pretty much the end of the conversation. And after that, we mostly just exchanged occasional likes on social media posts. But some time had gone by and I noticed Howard had posted a picture with a woman. So I reached out and asked him how things were going. And he told me, great. He said that he had started DBT therapy, he joined a men's group, and he started working on himself. And then he said something I'll never forget. He told me, I feel like a new person, and I owe you a big thank you for that conversation we had. And what struck me the most was this: Howard didn't just want a different relationship anymore. He became willing to become a different version of himself. And that right there is really the heart of this episode. Because many people want different outcomes while still holding on to the same exact

Survival Patterns That Block Intimacy

Bill Simpson 10:05

emotional patterns, coping mechanisms, and survival strategies that created pain in their past relationships. And unfortunately, that often recreates the same outcomes with different people. And that's why identity matters so much. Because many men confuse intention with actual transformation. You know, they say, I want a healthy relationship, or I want peace, or I want to communicate better, or I want someone who's emotionally available. But wanting something different and becoming someone different are not the same thing. Healthy relationships require a certain amount of emotional capacity. The capacity to do th the capacity to do a lot of the things that I talk about over and over, and that's about communicating honestly, staying emotionally present during conflict, regulating your emotions, being accountable, expressing your vulnerability, creating emotional safety, maintaining good boundaries, and repairing after conflict. And I'll say this stuff over and over again because uh the brain needs to hear it in order for us to really change and take it in.

Bill Simpson 11:28

And those capacities that I talk about often require us to outgrow our old survival patterns because being in survival mode may protect us, but it doesn't create healthy intimacy. And for some men, survival mode looks like just shutting down emotionally. For others, it's people pleasing or wanting and seeking validation, it's being independent or hyper-independent, you know. Uh it's avoidance, um wanting to be in control, being angry, and and and afraid of being vulnerable. And listen, this survival mode stuff, it's not because someone is broken.

Bill Simpson 12:16

A lot of things we struggle with in relationships didn't come out of nowhere. There are often ways we learn to protect ourselves emotionally over time. But eventually we have to ask ourselves, are these relationship patterns helping me to create the relationship I truly want? Because if we don't grow beyond them, we often stay trapped, repeating the same emotional experiences over and over again. And that's why emotional maturity matters. It's so important. And I'm not talking about perfection, but just being aware, being responsible, being intentional, having the willingness to self-reflect instead of constantly blame, and having the willingness to take accountability without drowning in shame. And I think that distinction is really important because shame says I'm bad. Healthy accountability says I've got patterns that no longer serve me, and those are very different things.

Bill Simpson 13:27

And here's the hopeful part people can grow, men can grow, relationships can change, and emotional patterns can change at any stage of life. I've seen it in myself, I've seen it in my clients, and I've seen it in men who thought they were too far gone emotionally. No man, growth is always possible.

Accountability Grace And Next Steps

Bill Simpson 13:55

Yet understand that growth requires you to be honest, to be committed, to be patient, to practice, practice, practice, and by all means give yourself some grace through this process because change takes time. It's a marathon, not a sprint, you know, that kind of thing. So yeah, have some grace in this process. So important. Now, if this episode resonates with you and you want support rebuilding after breakup or divorce, if you want more understanding of your relationship patterns, or being more intentional in your relationships moving forward, then please visit my website at Men on the Path to Love dot com. You'll find coaching information there, podcast episodes, and resources to support you on your path to love.

Bill Simpson 14:52

All right, it is Quote of the Week time. And this week's quote comes from therapist and author Esther Perrell. I think originally I said this quote was from Tony Robbins. But anyway, wherever it came from, it says, " the quality of your relationships reflects the quality of your relationship with yourself."' And I think that ties in perfectly with this episode, because healthy relationships aren't created simply by finding the right person. They're also shaped by how we see ourselves and how willing we are to grow. Yeah, because the relationships we have with ourselves often become the foundation for the relationships we create with others.

Bill Simpson 15:41

And that will bring a close to this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. The version of you that created your last relationship can't create the next one episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you for listening. Now, as I continue this series on becoming the man capable of a healthy relationship, next time we're going to explore something incredibly important. Why self-awareness is actually more attractive than confidence. Because confidence can attract attention. But self-awareness is often what sustains an emotional connection.

Bill Simpson 16:23

In the next episode, I'll talk about the difference between performance and emotional presence, why emotional awareness creates emotional safety, and why self-awareness may actually be one of the most attractive qualities a person can develop. And I'll leave you with this to think about. Are you more focused on appearing confident or becoming more aware of how you impact the people you love? Give that some thought, and please join me next time for the Why Self-Awareness is More Attractive Than Confidence episode. And if you got something out of listening to this episode, then please share it with someone who may need to hear it. Share the link and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.