Becoming a Safe Man

If you’ve ever thought, “I’m a good man. I provide. I don't hit or yell. So why does my partner still shut down around me?” this conversation goes straight to the uncomfortable answer: emotional safety is not the same as having good intentions. 

In this episode, I’m closing out my series on becoming the man capable of a healthy relationship by unpacking what it means to be a safe man in relationship.  I talk about what emotional safety actually feels like from the other side, and how a man can be nonviolent and still be emotionally unsafe through defensiveness, control, interruption, or conflict avoidance. 

I share a personal wake up call from couples therapy that forced me to see myself more honestly, and a coaching story about “CJ” and “Nina” where one pattern changed everything. Then I offer a clear path forward using practical relationship tools you can start using to create emotional safety in your current or future relationships. Check out the Becoming a Safe Man, episode.

Transcript

Welcome

Bill Simpson 0:08

Hi and welcome to the men on the path to the podcast. The Becoming a Safe Man episode. I 'm Bill Simpson your host. I coach men who are rebuilding their lives and relationships after breakup or divorce, helping them understand their relationship patterns, grow into the best version of themselves, and create deeper love and real connection, showing up differently for the next chapter of their lives so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson 0:39

So in this episode, I'm wrapping up my series on becoming the man capable of a healthy relationship. Over the past several weeks, I've talked about becoming a different man, not just simply finding a different partner. We've talked about self-awareness, emotional habits, relationship skills, validation versus connection. All of those things matter, of course. But in this episode, I want to talk about something that lies underneath every healthy relationship, and that is emotional safety.

What Emotional Safety Really Means

Bill Simpson 1:05

Now, when most men hear the phrase safe man, they usually think physical safety. You know, like I don't I don't hit women, I I've never been violent, I don't scream, I'm a good guy. And again, those things absolutely matter. But emotional safety goes much deeper than that. Because someone can feel physically safe with you while at the same time feeling emotionally unsafe. Yeah, they don't feel comfortable expressing themselves. They don't feel heard or seen, they don't feel accepted, and they don't feel emotionally free around you.

Couples Therapy Reality Check

Bill Simpson 2:16

And until I experienced this personally, I honestly thought I was a safe man. I didn't get physical, I rarely yelled or raised my voice, and I didn't give someone the silent treatment for days. So in my mind, I felt like I was a safe partner. Then I found myself sitting in couples therapy, and that's where everything changed. Through that process, I discovered something that completely changed how I saw myself. I found out that I could be controlling. I got defensive. Instead of expressing what I was really feeling, I would keep it inside. And rather than setting healthy boundaries, I'd people please because I thought I was keeping the peace.

Bill Simpson 2:47

But that wasn't how my wife at the time experienced me. She experienced me very differently than I experienced myself. And I gotta be honest here, that realization crushed me, man. Yeah, my ego took a huge hit. I felt exposed and I felt ashamed. And I remember thinking to myself, is this really who I've been? And thankfully my therapist was incredibly gracious. She didn't shame me. She told me something that I'll never forget. She told me not to beat myself up, and that I was actually showing my courage by staying open to the feedback and owning what I knew deep down inside was true.

Bill Simpson 3:39

Well, that didn't get rid of the shame or guilt right away. No, man, it took time, it took work, and it also took a lot of self-compassion and grace for myself. And eventually I was able to hold my head high again. Now, that marriage didn't survive, but that experience absolutely became part of the man I would eventually become. It helped me become a better man for myself and for every relationship that came afterward.

Bill Simpson 4:13

Because here's what I've learned coaching men. When I tell someone that they may not be emotionally safe, I never know what's going to happen. Sometimes there's curiosity, but often the very first response is defensiveness. Yeah, man, denial, explaining, justifying, all that. And I understand that completely. I get it because I've been there myself. And the real question isn't whether we become defensive. The question is what do we do after that? Dowe stay there or do we become curious enough to grow?

CJ Learns Why Nina Shut Down

Bill Simpson 4:50

I remember one client, I'll call CJ, not his real name, of course. He had been referred to me through the health center where I work. And from our very first meeting, I just knew he was a good guy. He's a good man. He was so genuine about how much he loved his partner. And I'll call her Nina, okay? He would have done almost anything for Nina. He told me that he had never been physically violent, although he admitted that he yelled sometimes. But underneath everything, I could hear how badly he wanted the relationship to work.

Bill Simpson 5:34

The challenge was that Nina still worked with her ex-husband. And early in the relationship, during a period where she and CJ had broken up, she had slept with her ex. And she told CJ that it happened once and it was out of pity. She was deeply remorseful, she apologized, and she promised that it would never happen again. But for CJ, that situation touched something much older. His previous partner, his wife, had cheated on him. And that betrayal had wounded him deeply. He'd always been loyal in his relationships, always faithful. So together we started working on the fear underneath that anger he had towards Nina, the fear of the infidelity. We worked on self-compassion, his boundaries, regulating his emotions, and understanding his triggers. And little by little he was making progress.

Bill Simpson 6:38

Then one day, CJ asked if I would be willing to meet with both of them. He wanted help expressing himself to Nina. I agreed with one condition. I told him, I'm not here to take sides. I'm here to support both of you. He understood, so we scheduled the session. And at first, things actually went well. Nina listened carefully. She was able to reflect back what she had heard CJ say, and CJ felt heard and seen. But when it came to Nina's turn, everything changed, and CJ kept interrupting her, correcting her, defending himself, explaining why she was wrong. So I had to gently redirect him. And he stopped for a few minutes, but then he'd start up again. And eventually Nina just shut down. She said that she was done, and she left the call.

Bill Simpson 7:43

Well, needless to say, CJ was incredibly frustrated. And at first, I supported him in that frustration. And then I asked him if it would be okay if I gave him some feedback. He agreed. I told him something he wasn't expecting. I said, look, man, I don't blame Nina for leaving. You weren't giving her space to tell her experience. You kept interrupting. You got defensive. And you kept trying to control the conversation. And I told him without realizing it, he made it emotionally unsafe for her to express herself. Well, he didn't want to hear it. No man, he ended the call. That was it.

Bill Simpson 8:32

Well, about a week later, CJ scheduled another appointment. And the first thing he said was he was sorry. He told me that he'd been thinking about what had happened, and he realized that I was right. He said, in fact, Nina had been trying to tell him the same thing. So I acknowledged him right away because I knew that took courage to come back and say what he had to say to me. And then I told him something else. And I told him, before you hung up last week, I never got the chance to tell you that Nina has her own work to do too around this. And that we'll never ignore that. But I'm your coach, and my responsibility is helping you grow. And he got it. He said that was the kick in the butt he needed. And that's when I asked him, are you ready to become emotionally safe now for Nina or for any relationship that you have in the future? And he didn't hesitate. He said right away, yes. And that's when the real work began.

Bill Simpson 9:46

Now I think there's an important lesson here. Being a good man doesn't automatically make us a safe man. Good intentions don't always create good experiences. And love doesn't always create emotional safety. Because sometimes without even realizing it, our fear, our defensiveness, our need to be right, and our inability to regulate our emotions creates an environment where the person we love no longer feels safe enough to be honest. I hear this a lot. And guys, it's not because we're bad men. No, it's because we haven't developed the emotional skills healthy relationships need. And the beautiful part in all this is, and I'll say it again, these skills can be learned. Just like I learned them, just like CJ learned them, and just like so many of the men I now work with continue learning every day. So that brings up the important question here. If emotional safety isn't simply about being a nice guy, then what actually makes someone feel safe in a relationship? What does a safe man actually do? Maybe even more importantly, is how do we become a safe man? Well, that's where we're heading.

The Skills That Create Safety

Bill Simpson 11:19

Alright, so let's talk about what becoming a safe man actually looks like. I'll tell you what it's not. It's not being perfect, not being passive, not someone who never gets angry or never makes mistakes. A safe man still gets hurt. He still feels disappointment, he still gets frustrated, he still has fears and insecurities just like everyone else. But the difference is a safe man learns how to manage those emotions instead of making someone else carry them. That's emotional safety. And what I mean by that is if we're not expressing our feelings and sharing with our partner, chances are they're gonna take on those feelings, and that's not fair.

Bill Simpson 12:11

So what does it look like in everyday life to be a safe man? Well, first is to decide to become curious instead of getting defensive. And this one changed my life, man, because when someone gives us feedback, especially someone we love, that's not what I meant, or you're misunderstanding me. No, you you got it wrong. And I know that voice very well because I've heard it in my own head. But here's the question I learned to ask instead. What if there's something here for me to learn? Now that doesn't mean the other person's right about everything. It simply means they're telling you how they experienced you. And if you love them, their experience matters. So that curiosity I was talking about, that creates connection. And when you're defensive, that usually creates distance, disconnection.

Bill Simpson 13:17

The second thing is learn to regulate your emotions before you communicate. You know, one of the greatest gifts you can give a relationship is your ability to pause, not to suppress what you're feeling, not to avoid what you're feeling, but to simply pause and notice what's happening inside you before you react. And it's asking yourself questions like, what am I feeling right now? Or what story am I telling myself? What do I actually need? And when we slow ourselves down and ask ourselves those questions, we give ourselves a chance to respond instead of just reacting. And that's what emotional maturity is all about.

Bill Simpson 14:09

Now, the third thing I'll mention is to make it safe for someone to tell you the truth. Yeah, think about the people in your life. Would they feel comfortable telling you something that's difficult for them? Could they disagree with you without worrying about how you'll respond? Could they tell you they were hurt without fearing you'll interrupt them or have to justify or shut them down? And man, let me tell you, that's a difficult question, but it's one worth asking. Because emotional safety isn't determined by our intentions. I don't think any of us intend to hurt the other person. It's determined by the experience we create for someone else. And this one really surprised me because for years I thought people pleasing made me a better partner, but it didn't. No, man. It made me less authentic, less real. And instead of expressing what I really needed, I would avoid conflict. And instead of setting healthy boundaries, I'd say yes when I meant no. And eventually resentment would build and that wasn't safe for either one of us. Healthy relationships aren't built on pleasing, they're built on honesty. Even when honesty feels uncomfortable. Well, and especially when honesty feels uncomfortable, that's when it really matters.

Bill Simpson 15:53

And finally, remember that emotional safety isn't a destination, it's not somewhere you're trying to go. It's just a practice. And to be honest, there's still moments when I catch myself becoming defensive. And there's still times when I have to pause and take a breath and remind myself to stay curious instead of trying to be right. And listen, man, growth isn't about never slipping back into old patterns because we're gonna do that. You know, it's about recognizing them sooner, taking responsibility for them and repairing when necessary, and choosing to do it differently the next time. That's what emotionally healthy men do. It's not because they're perfect, it's because they're committed to becoming better. And that's all you can ask for.

Bill Simpson 16:50

And here's something I want to share with you that I've learned after all these years about safety. The safest man in the room isn't usually the loudest or the strongest or the most confident. He's the one who helps people around him feel seen and heard, accepted, and emotionally safe enough to be themselves. And let me tell you, when you become that man, you don't just change your relationships, you change the kind of relationship people are able to have with you. Think about that.

Quote, Resources, And What’s Next

Bill Simpson 17:29

All right, that brings us to this week's quote of the week, and it comes from relationship therapist Terry Real. He said, "maturity is the ability to tolerate discomfort without making someone else pay for it."

Bill Simpson 17:43

Yeah, man, I love this quote because becoming a safe man isn't about never feeling hurt or afraid, jealous, or insecure. It's about learning not to make someone else carry those emotions for us. Yeah, it's learning to stay present, to be curious, to regulate ourselves, to listen, and to own our stuff, own our reactions, and repair if necessary. Because that's what emotional safety really is.

Bill Simpson 18:18

This is some deep stuff. And if you feel like you need some support with creating emotional safety in your relationships, then I suggest you check out my website, men on the paththouse.com. I've got resources and coaching opportunities right there for you. And listen, you don't have to do this alone. Just go to men on the path to love.com. And that will bring this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast to an end. The Becoming a Safe Man episode. My name is Bill Simpson. I thank you for listening.

Bill Simpson 18:58

Now, as I wrap up this series on becoming the man capable of a healthy relationship, I hope one thing has become clear to you. Healthy relationships don't begin when we meet the right person. They begin when we become the kind of person who can create one. Over the past several weeks, we've talked about self-awareness, emotional habits, relationship skills, difference between attention and real connection, and in this episode, what it means to become a safe man. None of this is about becoming perfect. It's about becoming more aware, more emotionally mature, and more intentional in the way we show up every day. Because that's really what growth is. It's not one big breakthrough, you know, hallelujah moment. It's a thousand small decisions that gradually shape the man you become.

Bill Simpson 19:53

And that brings me to a question I'd like you to think about this week. What is one small way you can consistently show up that strengthens your relationships? Or one small habit that might still be getting in the way? Because the quality of our relationships is rarely determined by one big moment, like a set. Most often it's the small choices we make every day. And that's where we're headed next.

Bill Simpson 20:22

In my new series, living as an emotionally healthy man, we're gonna move beyond becoming and begin talking about what it actually looks like to live as the man you've been working to become. I'll explore the everyday attitudes, choices, and practices that build stronger relationships, deeper connection, and a more meaningful life. Please join me next time for the first episode in the series. It's called The Small Things Emotionally Healthy Men Do Differently. And if you found the episode you're listening to right now helpful, then please share the link with someone who needs to hear it. Share the link and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.