What Emotionally Healthy Men Do When They Get Triggered

Triggers happen. They don’t just suddenly stop showing up, but we can stop letting them run our relationships. In this episode, I talk about what a trigger really is, why your body can react before your mind can think, and how old experiences like abandonment, criticism, loss, or unpredictability can show up as defensiveness, shutdown, or anger in the present.

I share my own journey of how childhood trauma shaped my reactions in relationships and why getting help changed everything. Then I tell "Keith's" story. His biggest trigger was being told what to do.  When he finally connected the dots between his controlling mother and how he reacted in relationships, it made all the difference.

From there, I offer the acronym PATH you can use today to help you when you get emotionally triggered... and you will be triggered. We ALL do! Check out the What Emotionally Healthy Men Do When They Get Triggered, episode.

Transcript

Welcome And Why Triggers Matter

Bill Simpson 0:17

Welcome to the Men on the Path to Love Podcast of what emotionally healthy men do when they're triggered episodes. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are rebuilding their lives and relationships after breakup or divorce, helping them understand their relationship patterns, grow into the best version of themselves, and create deeper love and real connection, showing up differently for the next chapter of their lives so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson 0:51

As I continue my series on living as an emotionally healthy man, we've been exploring what emotional health actually looks like in everyday life. So far, I've talked about the small things emotionally healthy men do differently, why emotionally healthy men don't need to win every argument. And in this episode, I want to build on what we've done so far by talking about something that affects every one of us. Our triggers. Because it doesn't matter how emotionally healthy you become, you will still get triggered. The difference is that emotionally healthy men learn what to do when it happens.

What A Trigger Really Means

Bill Simpson 1:20

Because it doesn't matter how emotionally healthy you become, you will still get triggered. Thehappens. Now, before I go any further, I just want to define what I mean by a trigger. A trigger is anything that sparks a strong emotional reaction that feels bigger than the actual situation itself. Say somebody criticizes you, maybe they raise their voice or yell at you, they pull away emotionally, somebody ignores you or rejects you, or someone says something that all of a sudden makes you feel angry or ashamed or maybe afraid or that you're not good enough. Well, when that happens, it can feel like your body reacts before your mind even has a chance to think. It's like being on automatic pilot, instant reaction. And that's because a lot of the time we're not just reacting to what's happening in the present, we're reacting to something much older, and that's our past. And until we become aware of that, we'll usually just keep repeating the same patterns over and over again in our relationships. That's why think this episode is so important. Not because the goal is to stop getting triggered, because that's probably never going to happen. The goal is learning what to do when you are triggered. I want to say this topic is very personal for me.

When The Past Hijacks The Present

Bill Simpson 2:45

As someone who's experienced significant childhood trauma, there were a lot of things that would trigger me in relationships. Growing up, I didn't always feel emotionally safe. And without getting into a lot of detail, just to let you know that there was a lot of unpredictability in my family, in the family dynamics. There was divorce, there was loss. I lost my mom and my brother, oldest brother, within months of each other. There was abandonment, there was some alcoholism in my family. And what I learned is all those early experiences actually shaped the way my nervous system learned to respond to the world.

Bill Simpson 3:50

So as an adult, certain situations hit me a lot harder than I realized. If someone yelled, I could get overwhelmed. Or if I sent someone pulling away emotionally in my relationship, my fear of abandonment would kick in. If someone misunderstood me or judged me or shamed me, I could feel myself shutting down almost right away. Even witnessing someone's behavior changing after they'd been drinking alcohol would bring up feelings for me, feelings that I really didn't understand at the time. And when I would get triggered, most of the time my reaction was to shut down emotionally and withdraw.

Bill Simpson 4:31

Now, occasionally I would react with anger. I yelled at times, you know, stomp around, have a little temper tantrum, slam a door. Um I was never physically abusive, but certainly not emotionally healthy. All right. And the truth is I had no idea why I reacted the way I did. You know, I felt guilty about it, I felt ashamed of it, but I didn't know why I would react the way I did. I just kind of came to terms with, well, this is who I am. Well, I remember at one point in my life I was co-hosting a popular morning radio show. You know, every day my job was to be upbeat, to be funny, to be positive, and all that was certainly a part of me. But behind the scenes, there were times I felt overwhelmed. I was struggling in my marriage, trying to hold everything together, trying to be the strong one, trying to convince myself that I was okay.

Bill Simpson 5:38

One day I opened up to a good friend of mine. I shared with her what I was going through and how overwhelmed I felt, and how exhausted I was from trying to keep it all together. And she was very open and honest with me and said that she thought it would be a good idea for me to talk with someone. She recommended a therapist she trusted.

Therapy And Learning The Pattern

Bill Simpson 6:00

And I was hesitant at first, but I trusted my friend and I made the call. And looking back now, that decision absolutely changed my life. Because for the first time I began understanding how my childhood experiences had impacted my adult relationships. I learned what emotional triggers actually were. And before that, I I didn't even know the word trigger, other than it was a part of a gun, you know, much less what to do with a trigger, right? And as I became aware of my patterns, everything started to make sense to me. Not overnight, mind you. No, because I struggled with that awareness at first. It was uncomfortable. It was hard to face. And frankly, doing the work afterward was even harder.

Bill Simpson 6:54

But little by little my relationship with myself began to change. And as my relationship with myself changed, so did my relationships with others. And looking back, I can see that I wasn't reacting to the present moment nearly as much as I was reacting to my old wounds that hadn't healed yet. That's why this work means so much to me, because I lived it. And it's become a big part of the work I do now with men. In fact, I'd say that almost every client I've ever worked with eventually comes face to face with his emotional triggers. You know, maybe different stories, different childhoods, you know, different relationships, but the process is pretty much the same.

Keith And The Control Trigger

Bill Simpson 7:45

Now, one client in particular to mind. I'll call him Keith. Not his real name, of course. Um Keith's biggest trigger was being told what to do. You know, if his partner suggested something, he'd get defensive. If she reminded him about something, he felt controlled. If she offered him advice, he felt criticized. What would happen is they'd have these arguments that would blow up over things that didn't seem to make sense. And during these arguments, sometimes Keith would storm off, you know, or he'd yell, and sometimes he'd end the relationship altogether because he couldn't tolerate what he experienced as constant nagging.

Bill Simpson 8:28

And as I heard more of Keith's story, I found out that Keith had grown up with an extremely controlling mother. Yeah, man, she decided what he wore, what he ate, what he watched, who he could spend time with, and so on. And this went on into his early twenties. She controlled much of his life. So as an adult in relationship, every time a partner made what most people would consider a simple request, Keith would snap. And what was happening was his nervous system wasn't responding to his partner, it was responding to his childhood. Yeah, and without realizing it, it was that little boy inside of him thinking, ah, I'm being controlled again. When Keith was able to connect the dots and saw that connection, everything changed. Not because his trigger disappeared, but because now it finally made sense to him. And if you think about it, once something makes sense, you can start working with it instead of constantly fighting it or getting lost in it. And that was the beginning of real change for Keith.

Bill Simpson 9:43

Now, Keith's story reminds me of something I wish every man understood. Our triggers aren't the problem. Our lack of awareness of them is. Yeah, when we don't understand our triggers, we tend to think that everyone else is causing our emotional reactions. You made me angry, you hurt me, you, you, you, you, you. But when we become aware of our triggers, we begin to realize that a lot of our strong reactions have roots that go much deeper than the present moment. And that's actually good news because awareness gives us a choice. It gives us a chance to create space between what happened to us, our past, and what we do next and the present moment.

The PATH Framework To Use

Bill Simpson 10:30

So over the years I've found myself coming back to four simple steps to get me through my triggers. And I got to thinking of them as a path. And because my podcast is called Men on the Path to Love, I thought it might be helpful to use the acronym PATH. All right. Now, I don't expect you to remember all this the first time you hear it. Growth doesn't happen by hearing something one time. No, it happens by practicing it over and over again. So if all you remember from this episode is the word path, that's enough. And over time, these four steps can become a new way of getting you through those difficult moments when you're triggered. All right?

Pause Before You React

Bill Simpson 11:20

So let's start with the letter P. P is for pause. The first thing emotionally healthy men do is pause. I know I talk about that a lot. And it may sound simple, but when we're triggered, when we're in it, it's one of the hardest things to do. What's happening is our nervous system is trying to protect us. It wants to act right away. You know, that knee-jerk reaction. It wants to fight, defend ourselves, withdraw, or shut down like I used to do, or walk away like Keith, or even say something we'll regret. So, pause, man. And I think it's important to understand that the pause isn't about pretending you're okay. And it isn't about stuffing your emotions. It's about interrupting that automatic knee-jerk reaction long enough to remember that you do have a choice. Sometimes that pause is one deep, slow breath. Um, sometimes it's maybe counting to ten. Or it could be simply saying, you know, I need a minute before we continue this conversation. And by doing this, you're not avoiding the moment. You're creating enough space so that your emotions don't make the decision for you. So you don't say or do something you might regret. That little pause may only last a few seconds, but it can completely change the direction of a conversation.

Acknowledge Feelings And Body Signals

Bill Simpson 12:55

Next is A, and A is for acknowledge. Once you've paused, acknowledge what's happening inside of you. Instead of pushing your feelings away, stuffing them, or pretending everything is fine, just get curious. Ask yourself, what am I feeling right now? You know, maybe you're angry, and maybe underneath your anger is fear or sadness. Maybe you're feeling defensive, and maybe underneath that is shame or guilt. Maybe you're feeling frustrated, and underneath that is you feel hurt. Or if you don't know what you're feeling, ask yourself what's happening in my body? Maybe your chest feels tight, maybe you're clenching your jaw, or maybe your stomach drops or feels weird.

Bill Simpson 13:47

No matter what's going on, there's no need to judge or shame yourself for any of it. Just see it as information. All right. You're just becoming aware and honest of your experience with compassion instead of beating yourself up or suffering. Because here's another thing I've learned. You can't change what you refuse to notice about yourself. Awareness doesn't solve everything, but without awareness, nothing really changes. So acknowledge. Moving on to T.

Turn Toward Your Values

Bill Simpson 14:25

T stands for turn toward your values. So now that you've created a little space and you've acknowledged what's happening inside of you, ask yourself one simple question. Who do I want to be in this moment? Not how do I win or how do I prove I'm right? Or how do I make her understand me? Instead, simply ask yourself, who do I want to be in this moment? Do I want to be patient? Do I want to be respectful? Do I want to be honest? Courageous? Do I want to be compassionate or empathetic? Do I want to be emotionally present? Think about that. Think about what matters to you and who you want to be.

Bill Simpson 15:15

Because that's what emotionally healthy men do. They don't let their triggers run the show and decide who they become, but they let their values decide what's important to them, what matters. And I want to be clear here. Choosing your values doesn't mean your feelings magically disappear. It just means your feelings no longer take over. An analogy I like to use is to imagine the person you want to be or the way you want to live is a bus. You can let your feelings, your thoughts, and your urges on the bus, but you drive the bus. So you can still feel angry and choose kindness. You can still feel hurt and choose honesty. And you can still feel afraid and choose courage. See where I'm going with that? Because that's emotional maturity.

Honor The Relationship And Yourself

Bill Simpson 16:25

And then there's H. H stands for honor the relationship.And I'm not only talking about your relationship just with your partner, I'm also talking about the relationship with yourself. Most importantly, with yourself, I should say. Honoring the relationship could look like slowing down, you know, pausing instead of escalating. Or becoming curious instead of getting defensive. It may mean that recognizing that person in front of you isn't the person who hurt you years ago, you know, not the controlling mother like with Keith, right? Um sometimes honoring the relationship is a simple, I'm sorry, you know, an apology. Or taking a break to recalibrate so you can connect on a more authentic and healthy way. Um sometimes honoring the relationship means setting a healthy boundary, or just staying present instead of shutting down.

Bill Simpson 17:26

And again, honoring the relationship doesn't mean pretending everything is okay. And it doesn't mean you're giving in. It means remembering what matters most. It means protecting trust, respect, and connection whenever possible. Because when we're triggered, man, our ego wants to protect us. That's all it wants to do. But emotionally healthy men learn to protect something much more valuable, and that's the relationship itself. Alright, so let me bring it all together for you. The next time you find yourself emotionally triggered, remember,

Practice, Resources, And Frankl Quote

Bill Simpson 18:05

P is for pause. You know, create that little space. A is to acknowledge. Notice what's happening inside of you without judging yourself. T is to turn toward your values. Remember, ask yourself, who do I want to be right now? And finally, H honor the relationship. Protect what matters most. Path. Alright? So now that you've heard this, will you do it perfectly? Oh, hell no. Of course not. Neither do I. This isn't about being perfect. It's about practice. Because every time you practice and walk this path, you're strengthening new emotional habits. Little by little, you're becoming the emotionally healthy man you're capable of becoming.

Bill Simpson 19:03

Now, if you're struggling with emotional triggers, you know, if you find yourself reacting in ways you later regret, or you simply want to become more emotionally healthy in your relationships, well, I'd love to help you. Visit my website, men on the paththow.com. That's where you'll find free resources, information about my coaching programs, and different ways we can work together. And remember, you don't have to figure this out alone. Again, that's men on the path to love.com.

Bill Simpson 19:40

All right, I'd like to leave you with my quote of the week. And I've used this one a few times on this podcast, and it bears repeating. It's from Victor Frankel, author, psychiatrist, and Holocaust survivor. He says, "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. "

Bill Simpson 20:10

I chose this quote again because it really does capture the heart of this week's episode. You know, when we're triggered, it can feel like there's no space because everything happens so fast, right? But emotional health isn't about never feeling triggered. It's about learning how to find that space. It could be that one breath or pausing for a few seconds. But in that space, we remember we have a choice. And over time and through practice, we become the man we truly want to be. And that will bring this episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast to an end. The what emotionally healthy men do when they're triggered episode.

Weekly Question And What Is Next

Bill Simpson 20:55

I'm Bill Simpson. Thank you so much for listening. Now, as I keep my series going on living as an emotionally healthy man, I'd like for you to remember something. Learning what to do when you're triggered is only the first step. Awareness alone doesn't change relationships. What changes relationships is what happens next. What you actually say and what you actually do. So here's a question I'd like for you to think about this week. The next time you find yourself emotionally triggered, ask yourself: will your first reaction strengthen your relationship or weaken it?

Bill Simpson 21:38

Give that some thought. Because next time, we're going to explore one of the most important skills emotionally healthy men can develop. And that's the difference between reacting and responding. And believe me, that difference can change every hard conversation you'll ever have. Please join me for the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, The Difference Between Reacting and Responding episode. And if this episode made you think of someone who could benefit from hearing it, then please share the link and share the love. And if you enjoyed reading as much as listening, every Tuesday I publish a companion letter on Substack that explains on each week's episode. You'll find the link in the show notes. And I'd love for you to join me. And remember, until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.