Emotionally Healthy Men Set Different Boundaries

In this episode, I talk about the real purpose of healthy boundaries and why they are not walls, threats, or rules for someone else.  A boundary is taking ownership of your emotions: naming what you feel, what you need, what you are willing to do, and what you are not willing to do, so you can stay honest in relationship without losing yourself.

I share about my early struggles with boundaries, and a story about a friend who had horrible boundaries in his relationships, and how he constantly tried to manage his partner’s moods so much that he gave up his plans, hobbies, and self-respect to keep the peace. 

You’ll get practical, clear language you can use right away, plus simple scripts for your every day preferences, time alone, and when conversations get heated so you can start to set boundaries differently. Check out the Emotionally Healthy Men Set Different Boundaries, episode.

Transcript

Why Boundaries Matter For Men

Bill Simpson 0:08

Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, the emotionally healthy men at Different Foundries episode. I'm Bill Simpson your host. I coach men who are rebuilding their lives and relationships after breakup or divorce, helping them understand their relationship patterns, grow into the best version of themselves, and create deeper love and real connection, showing up differently for the next chapter of their lives so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson 0:42

So this episode brings us close to the end of my series Living as an Emotionally Healthy Man. Now, throughout this series, I've talked about some of the small things emotionally healthy men do differently. We've explored why they don't need to win every argument, what they do when they're triggered, and the difference between reacting and responding. And in this episode, I'm talking about another important part of emotional health, and that's boundaries. Now, when some men hear the word boundaries, they imagine drawing a hard line in the sand, right? They think boundaries mean telling someone what they can and cannot do. Or they think boundaries are about keeping people at a distance. But healthy boundaries aren't walls. They're not threats, and they're not a way to control your partner, okay? A healthy boundary is a clear way of saying what you feel, what you need, what you're willing to do, and what you're not willing to do. It's knowing where you end and the other person begins.

Bill Simpson 1:53

And in relationship, not setting boundaries often means putting your partner's needs, preferences, and feelings ahead of your own. Not occasionally as an act of love, but so consistently that you begin to lose yourself. You begin to abandon yourself. You know, maybe saying yes when you want to say no, or maybe you pretend something doesn't bother you when it really does. Maybe you take responsibility for your partner's moods or feelings, or maybe you constantly adjust yourself to avoid disappointing your partner. And on the surface, it may look like you're loving or flexible or easygoing, but underneath the surface, resentment may start to build.

Bill Simpson 2:44

Yeah, man, there was a time in my life when I didn't have a clue of what boundaries were, much less how to set them. I mean, unless the situation was so obvious or so serious that I felt I had no other choice. And when I finally began learning about boundaries, setting them was a real struggle for me, especially at first, because I hated confrontation. Yeah, I tried to avoid conflict whenever I could, because there was a part of me that believed if I rocked the boat, the relationship might fall apart. So if my partner wanted to do something I didn't want to do, I would often just go along with it. But I wouldn't always go along with it freely, you know, because I wanted to. And then I'd end up being miserable or resentful the whole time. And some of the boundaries I did set weren't healthy boundaries at all. No, man, I would come up with some sort of white lie or excuse so I wouldn't have to say no directly. I wouldn't say how I really felt or ask for what I needed.

How Resentment Builds In Silence

Bill Simpson 4:00

At times I would pretend everything was fine I was actually angry or hurt. You know, I would get quiet, shut down, withdraw. Um sometimes I would mope around and hope my partner would somehow figure out what was wrong without me having to say it. And when she didn't figure it out or didn't respond the way I wanted, I would feel even more hurt and resentful. But the truth was I hadn't given her a fair chance to understand what I was feeling or what I needed. I wasn't being clear. I was expecting her to read my mind. And little by little I would lose myself in the relationship. And then I would look around and wonder, damn, how'd I get here? You know, how did I end up doing so many things I didn't want to do? And how did my feelings and needs become so unimportant?

Bill Simpson 4:55

And that was a huge lesson for me to learn. Because what I didn't understand was that every time I said yes when I really meant no, or every time I hid how I was feeling, or every time I expected my partner to figure out something that I had not communicated, I was playing a role in that pattern. That was my part. Now, that doesn't mean the other person had no responsibility for what was happening in the relationship. No. It just meant that I had to take responsibility for my part. And once I learned more about boundaries and started practicing them, it made a huge difference in my confidence, my self-esteem, and my relationships. And I didn't do this overnight, you know, and tackle the big issues. I started with the little things.

Bill Simpson 5:50

Something as simple as expressing which restaurant I preferred. Then I would slowly practice with more meaningful things, like saying when I needed time alone, or when something didn't feel right to me. And I gotta tell you, man, setting boundaries wasn't easy, but I got better at it over time. And even with all the practice I've had, I still occasionally catch myself almost dreading to have to set a boundary. You know, there can still be that moment when part of me thinks, hmm, maybe I should just let this go. Or, you know, thinking it will be easier if I don't say anything, or thinking that I could work around it. But today I'm much more likely to notice that impulse, pause, and set the boundary anyway. And I almost always feel better after I do. Not necessarily because the other person liked the boundary. They may not have liked it. I felt better because I didn't lose myself to avoid the discomfort of it. You know, those few minutes it takes to set the boundary.

Dion’s Story And The Real Trigger

Bill Simpson 7:00

And another thing that helped me understand the importance of healthy boundaries was watching a friend of mine struggle with them. I'll call him Dion. Dion had horrible boundaries in his relationships. Yeah, man, if his partner was in a bad mood, he would immediately jump through hoops trying to change it. You know, he would try to make her laugh, he might offer to take her out to dinner, or he would buy her flowers to cheer her up. Even when her mood had absolutely nothing to do with him. And if any little thing upset her, Dion would jump right in and try to fix it. I remember when some of us were thinking about doing a guy's camping weekend, and Dion was excited about it and was completely on board until he told his partner. She didn't want him to go. Right away, he canceled on us. And that wasn't the only time.

Bill Simpson 8:02

He changed his plans a lot to accommodate his partners. And at one point, he even stopped playing tennis on the weekends just so he could be available to spend that time with his partner. And there were also times when we would be out as a group, and one of his partners would put him down or speak to him in a way that felt verbally abusive. He would just sit there and take it, you know, and I and I remember feeling so frustrated with him because I couldn't understand why he didn't push back.

Bill Simpson 8:35

And one day, in the middle of that frustration, I was just about to let Dion have it, man. I was gonna tell him how I felt, and then I caught myself. I took a deep breath and I asked myself, why am I so triggered by this? And the answer came to me clear as day. Dion was triggering the part of me that had struggled with boundaries. I wasn't only reacting to what he was doing, I was reacting to something I had recognized in myself. And that realization humbled me, man.

Bill Simpson 9:13

Yeah, instead of criticizing him or telling him everything I thought he was doing wrong, I just supported him where he was. And I casually suggested a book on boundaries that had helped me. It was called Where I End and You Begin. And later, he thanked me for it. Now the takeaway from Dion's story for me was this. Sometimes the behavior that frustrates us the most in another person touches the part of ourselves we haven't fully accepted or healed from. I mean, Dion didn't need my judgment, right? He just needed support and some information and the freedom to make his own choices. And I needed to respect the boundary between his life and mine. I could care about him, I could offer him support, but what I couldn't do was set his boundaries for him. That was his work to do.

Bill Simpson 10:17

And that shines light on something important about boundaries. They don't only protect us from being controlled by other people, they also remind us not to take control of what belongs to someone else. Dion's partners were responsible for their feelings and behavior. Dion was responsible for what he chose to accept, what he gave up, and whether he spoke up for himself. And I was responsible for how I responded to what I witnessed.

What Belongs To You And Not

Bill Simpson 10:50

That's where healthy boundaries begin, knowing what belongs to you and what doesn't. And let me tell you, man, the cost of unhealthy boundaries can be high. When you repeatedly put your partner's needs ahead of your own, you may believe you're protecting the relationship. But over time, you may actually be damaging it. Yeah, you may get resentful and blame your partner for choices you never told her you didn't want to make. You may become emotionally burned out from always having to monitor her moods. Um you may stop doing things that matter to you. You know, you may stop seeing your friends or pursuing your hobbies or interests, taking care of yourself, or having that alone time. You may avoid having hard conversations until all that unspoken frustration comes out as anger and criticism, shutting down and creating this emotional distance. Or you may lose touch with your own preferences altogether. You know, she asks you what you want, and your first thought is, what does she want me to want? Yeah, and that's how a man can slowly disappear inside a relationship. You know, and then one day he's like, I've given up everything for you. But the other person may have never fully understood what he was giving up because he never talked about it. He never clearly said it. So healthy boundaries protect against that kind of hidden agreement.

Bill Simpson 12:30

Emotionally healthy men set boundaries differently. They understand that being honest is more loving than quietly holding on to their resentment. You know, they say what they mean instead of hoping their partner will read their mind. Um they recognize that disappointing someone is not the same as harming them. Emotionally healthy men allow their partner to have feelings about a boundary without rushing to have to make those feelings go away. They know that their partner's disappointment doesn't automatically mean the boundary was wrong. And they don't use boundaries to punish, threaten, or control. That's important to understand. Yeah, because there's a big difference between saying, you can't talk to me that way, and saying, you know, if you continue talking to me that way, I'm gonna step away from this conversation when we're both in a calmer space.

Bill Simpson 13:34

The first way was to try to control the other person, right? You can't do this, blah, blah, blah. The second one clearly says how you're gonna take care of yourself and protect the conversation and ultimately the connection. So understand setting a healthy boundary isn't about controlling someone else's choice. It's about being clear about your own. And not every boundary has to involve some huge conflict either. One of the best ways to get more comfortable with boundaries is to start with more benign everyday things.

Bill Simpson 14:11

I'll go back to the restaurant example I mentioned earlier. Let's say your partner wants Indian food and you would prefer Chinese. You could just agree to the Indian, say nothing about what you wanted, and then spend the meal feeling resentful and disconnected because you wanted Chinese. I mean, you may be physically present in the restaurant, but emotionally you're somewhere else. Or you could say, I know you're in the mood for Indian, and I would prefer Chinese. And I'm okay with Indian tonight because it's more important to me that we spend time together. Next time maybe we can do Chinese. And by saying that, it's clear. She knows what you would prefer. You've expressed yourself without making your preferencesmore important than hers, and you're consciously choosing Indian instead of silently caving in.

Boundaries That Protect Connection

Bill Simpson 15:00

And with that, you're much freer to enjoy the meal because you didn't abandon your preference. You acknowledged it, communicated it, and then made a choice based on what mattered most to you in that moment. And even though the difference is subtle, it's important. Because you're not saying, Oh, well, whatever you want, dear No while secretly feeling resentful. No, you're just saying, here's what I want and here's what I'm choosing. And man, that's not weakness. That's emotional maturity, emotional ownership.

Bill Simpson 15:48

Now, of course, some boundaries carry more weight than others. You know, I I mentioned starting with the small stuff, right? But in a more meaningful situation, you may need to say something like, you know, I need some time alone tonight, and it's not about pulling away from you. I just need some time to recharge, and then I can be more present with you. Or maybe it's saying, you know, I want to talk about this, but I'm not willing to continue while we're yelling at each other. Let's take a break and come back to it.

Bill Simpson 16:22

Another way to set a boundary could be, I do care about how you feel. I just can't be responsible for changing your mood. Or like with the group of people, when I feel criticized or put down in front of other people, I feel disrespected. And if there's something you're upset about, I'm willing to talk about it in private. And I'm not gonna lie to you, those conversations may feel uncomfortable. And your partner may be disappointed, frustrated, or even angry. But that doesn't necessarily mean you stated your boundary poorly. It may simply mean that your boundary interrupted a familiar pattern of yours. Yeah, think about it. If you've spent years being the man who always says yes, always fixes everything, and always adjusts himself, the people around you may need time to adjust too when you begin to show up differently by setting those boundaries.

Bill Simpson 17:21

And look, man, you don't have to get harsh or nasty, and you don't have to overexplain yourself, and and you don't have to turn every preference of yours into some big relationship deal. And what a lot of people don't realize is that a healthy boundary can be direct and kind. It can sound like, no, I'm not able to do that. Or I need some time to think about it. Or, um, no, that doesn't work for me. Or I can see that you're upset, and my answer is still no. Um you could say, I want to support you, but I can't solve this for you. Or another healthy boundary could be saying, I'm willing to have this conversation, but not why we're throwing insults at each other. It's clear, respectful, and grounded. And man, one of the hardest lessons for men who struggle with boundaries is accepting that you can be loving without making everything okay for everybody. You can care about your partner's feelings without taking responsibility for them. Those are hers. You can listen without fixing. Chances are she just wants your support, not necessarily to fix it. You can also disagree without disconnecting.

Bill Simpson 18:46

You can say no and still be a good man. And you can ask for what you need and still be a loving partner. In fact, healthy boundaries make deeper connection possible because the person your partner is connecting with is actually you, not the version of you who is constantly editing himself to keep the peace. You hear me? Yeah, so if you want to begin practicing healthy boundaries, start by noticing the moments when your words and feelings don't match. When do you say yes when something inside of you says no? When do you say I'm fine when you're angry or hurt or disappointed? When do you try to change your partner's mood because her discomfort makes you feel uncomfortable? And when do you give up something and then quietly resent her for it later?

Practice Steps Plus The Weekly Question

Bill Simpson 19:40

Think about those questions because it's in those moments that tell you where a boundary may be needed. And look, like I said, you don't have to become an expert overnight. Start small, man. Yeah, choose one small place to practice. State your preference, maybe ask for a little time, say no without making up an excuse. Tell the truth about how something affected you. And I always recommend using I statements. You know, I feel I need rather than you always, you made me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Bill Simpson 20:26

And then you want to allow your partner to have whatever response they have. You know, you can listen to their response, you can care about their feelings, and you can even reconsider a boundary if you realize it doesn't reflect your values. But you don't have to abandon yourself simply because someone else is uncomfortable. That's one of the ways emotionally healthy men set boundaries differently. They don't set boundaries to push people away. They set boundaries so they can remain honest, present, and connected without losing themselves. And when you practice that consistently, something begins to change.

Bill Simpson 21:12

Yeah, man, your your confidence grows, your self-respect grows, and your relationship becomes much more honest and authentic. And your yes starts to mean more because the people who love you know that you're also capable of saying no. That's so important. And listen, man, you know, I squirm just talking about boundaries, man, because it just brings up how I struggled with it in the past. And if you're struggling with boundaries, whether it's saying no, you know, expressing what you need, or separating your partner's feelings from your responsibility, I get it, man. And I invite you to visit my website, men on the paththouse.com. You can learn more about the work I do with men who are ready to understand their relationship patterns, grow into a healthier version of themselves, and show up differently in their relationships. That's men on the path to love.com. All right, that brings us to my quote of the week, and it comes from author Brene Brown, and the quote is short and sweet to the point. She says, quote, choose discomfort over resentment. I'll say it again. Choose discomfort over resentment. Yeah, because setting a boundary may feel uncomfortable for a few minutes, right? But avoiding it may create days, months, or even years of resentment. So the short-term discomfort of being honest is far less damaging than the long-term cost of abandoning yourself. And I know because I've been there.

Bill Simpson 23:07

And that's gonna close out this episode of The Men on the Path to Love podcast, The Emotionally Healthy Men Set Different Boundaries, episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you so much for listening. Now, as I wrap up my series on living as an emotionally healthy man, I want to bring everything I've talked about together. Emotional health isn't about becoming perfect, never being triggered, or always knowing the right thing to say. No, man, it's about trusting yourself to handle difficult moments differently. And that kind of tough trust creates a deeper and steadier kind of confidence.

Bill Simpson 23:50

So, here's my question for you to ponder this week. How might your life and relationship change if your confidence came not from appearing strong, but from trusting the emotionally healthy man you're becoming? Yeah. Think about it, man, and please join me for the Confidence That Comes From Being an Emotionally Healthy Man, episode.

Bill Simpson 24:15

And if this episode you're listening to right now spoke to you, then please share it with the man who needs to hear it. Share the link and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.